Just was thinking today
Today as I sat in my house wondering if I was going to be able to make the picnic I was invited to. This got me to thinking about why it seems we can push outsleves to do what we must when we can, weather that be working, taking care of our kids, houses, doc appointments exc. but when it comes to exta cir. activities that we(me really) thinks of every excuse to decline because im tired, depressed, in pain, bla bla bla. I think I could come up with a million and one reasons why.
So me always being one to look inward and analize to death, at times, the whys of life, really starting thinking on this.
I was thinking if I can push myself to work the few hours a week that I do, make my doc appointments, run someone to a sports event, food shop exc. then why dont I push myself to be more involved with the wonderful things life has to offer as well.
Some of the reasons I came up with were...1.. I dont want to feel like Im on the outside looking in, being there but still feeling that lonelyness that has imcompassed my life this last few months and I know for some of you yrs. 2. Im so tired of putting on that face that I can handle everything that life throws at me and just keep going as expected. 3. I just dont want to as I have this time to sit and rest my aches and pain (ya right like I ever get that anyway)
4. Im in pain( well thats a constant anyways what ever Im doing)
So as I sat there thinking about it, it really mad me mad, I felt like in some ways I was letting the CP steal even more from me and this was something That I actually had control over.
That I push myself to do all the ness. things that I need to do to survive but doesnt the emotional asspect of life just as much a ness as the bills, kids, and work. Itsnt survivial emotionaly just as important as the phycial side of life? If not even more so. Without our emotional support or ourselves or others arent we just a shell of just going through the motions of life?
I get up everday and force myself to do the things I know I have to do but I have let go of the simple pleasures of life thinking that I cant have those things anymore at this time.
Why dont we force ourselvses to just to get out and have fun even if its just a once in a while thing. I know for myself im in pain sitting in the house, wouldnt I rather have the pain and experece something wonderful instead of pain and lonelyless without hope of anything thing different than what I have now.
So I fourced myself to get up and go, altho I didnt stay as long as i would have befor the accident, I went and that in its self, I felt was a war won, I talked and interacted, another battle one, I laughed and it felt good, I sat on my neighbors couch with an ice pack stuck down my pants and lived with the pain, the same pain I would have had at home, alone, isolated, lonely and depressed. Instead I endured like I would have if I went to work, or did any orther ness. thing that I have to do.
And you know what, They all understood and accepted and made me feel so much better just to NORMAl in a world of pain that was my own. But I ask you all to define NORMAl? As I think each persons explanation would be simular but differnt to there own exisitance and experiences.
I quess the food for thought for me is that if I can push myself to do what I must to survive, then why dont I push more for the happiness and the wonderful mircles that God has created that are around us everyday and we just pass by them saying, its just a rose!
Why arent we pushing more for the joys of life as well as the ness. of life?
And this is by no means in any way shape or form and insult or attack on anyone just the thoughts of a woman, mother, fiance, warrior trying to find balance and just my little taste of heaven in a world of pain.