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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 9/30/2008 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I am not even quite sure where to start about last night...

Done with pretending that I am okay and that I smile through it. Can't. Couldn't last night, would be the better word. (BTW this is killing me but I GOTTA get this out!)

I found out recently that I have a start date for my pain management program that I am going to - however, I only know this date because I requested my medical documents and it was in there that I found that not only was my employer given a date but it also was stated that someone would be out to speak to me regarding the start date, time and how it would work around my shifts - that was almost 3 weeks ago. No one has been out to see me. I have just been dying to find out when this program starts because I definately need some better coping skills! SOOO, that brings us to last night. I asked my boss, 'has someone emailed you an appt for me' b/c sometimes they will contact you through your immediate supervisor... the answer is no. So, I called down to their office to inquire about this. I feel I was getting the run around from her - she even asked me when I requested my file (what does that have to do with you not getting information to me?). I got off the phone with her and I could not hold back the tears... For the first time during this entire process I could not control my tears! First I thought I'd go to the bathroom --- they will eventually stop right? Nope. I sat there and one of my other supervisors came in asking if I was okay and I could barely say the words 'i'm ok'... She left and I figured I had to go down to my medical centre. I couldn't sit in the washroom crying for much longer. I go there and I barely get the words out but I want my own room to cry in. She leads me to a room and closes the door. For the next hour - I only know this because I know the time I went in and I know the time I came out, there was no clock in the room - 1. I sit there and cry. 2. Pull myself together. 3. Cry. Repeat 1,2,3... some woman I've never seen before comes in and sits down. Say's I can talk or I don't have to. I mutter out some things about how I hate the medical centre and I am just so tired of pretending I am ok. I just can't stop crying... She tells me to lay down... so I lay down... still cry practically the whole time... another 30 min go and she comes back, takes the ice off for me and tells me to go back to the line now. I was like huh? Needless to say, I go back to line... By now I am only crying if I look people in the face and they ask me if I'm okay, or pretty much look at people I know well.... I tell my boss that I need space and I tell him where I am going and what Iwill be doing and he lets me be...

I only a cried a handle full of times more. Then it was 315am and it was time to go home...

What is wrong with me??

Am I losing it??


Sorry this is sooooooo long :( cry cry cry

Bilateral Tennis Elbow, Golfer's Elbow, Myofascial Pain in Forearms, Tendonitis in Wrists and Thumbs and Ulnar Neuropathy bilaterally

Meds: Percocets, Pennsaid and sleep aid Amitriptyline

Pain bottles should have easier lids!


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 9/30/2008 2:01 PM (GMT -6)   
What happened, happened.
You can't go back and undo it.
I do everything in my power
to keep my pain from showing.
I had a terrible stressor the other
day, and it showed.
I kind of couldn't walk. I was
so upset. So lost.
This happened in a hospital, and
I wasn't even the patient.
My daughter helped me through
BUT now she knows the real me -
the me that hurts sooo bad.
I think I can understand your source
of panic there, JR. Anybody could.
What happened may get you to
the clinic and coping skills sooner.
Chronic Pain or Intractible pain is
a beast. We want to keep it a secret,
but sometimes it just gets out to
other people. We are embarassed &
ashamed. I don't know why that is.
It just is.
JR, keep in touch.
Pamela Rambles On

I'm not sure I totally understood
all your post. I'm in pain and can't
think straight. Talk later, k? confused

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 9/30/2008 3:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I'd really like to respond to more of your posts, but have some difficulty reading them on my computer. Could I ask that you delete the long, unbroken "****" in your signature? I think that creates a problem for some of us, in that it extends the rest of the posts and I have a small screen on my computer.


Just to clarify it's not the length of the text - I don't have any problem with your venting, we all need that!! - just the unbroken lines.
Hugs to you!

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 191
   Posted 9/30/2008 10:34 PM (GMT -6)   


I am so sorry to hear all that you are going though and I want to stress to you that there is nothing the matter with you except a broken medical system and that is soooo frustrating to us all and we all have a breaking point when dealing with CP and at times it just takes it tole and you have to let it out.  I know because I am going through the same thing right now.

I to put on the face that I am ok or that I can handle whatever it is that I have to deal with and just go on day after day smiling a fake smile, doing what I have to do and no more.  Then one day the exhaustion just hits you and you find that you just dont have it in you anymore to pretend to help everyone else around you to cope with what you are dealing with phyicaly, emotionaly, and spiritualy.  We all do what we can I think to minamize how are CP effects others with no concern for ourselves and how we deal with it.  And I dont know why it is that we feel like we have to hide what we are going through all the time.  Why cant we just say its a bad day and leave it at that instead of smiling and saying its fine because its not.

When we keep it all bottled up inside always pretending it will evenually find its way out, we all have a breaking point! and when it breaks it breaks, like the crack in a dam, it starts out a slow leak then it just gushes overtaking everything in its path. YOU have every right to let it out and I think it is more healty to do so.  I know we cant walk around always moaning about how much it has cost us on a daily basis and how much we have had to let go or give up because of the CP but I think with all things in life it is important to have balance.  We as CP'er need to find a balance of letting out all the frustrations that we deal with befor they become so overwheleming that we just crack into piecse.  I dont have any answers as to how, im trying to learn that as well.

For me I have been walking around for almost 2 weeks crying all the time over nothing and everything. I go to bed crying and wake up crying.  I dont know how to deal and some days I just want to give up and say **** everyone. pardon the lanaguge, but that just how it is at times.  NO ONE seems to get it! NO one seems to care how much it requires of you to just get through your day, with pain, doc appointments, pain meds, flare ups, stupid jerks that say stupid things that make you hurt because they look at you like ok right just get over it now! Then top it off with sleep depravation and wow your just a walking time bomb.  Even the docs dont get it.

All I know is it is a battle everyday of our lives, and we fight they best fight we can on any given day, and just know that tomorrow is another day, and for me I hold out that at some point I will win the war and all the battles fought is just definnning me as a better person.

We need to get it out so I say cry and release and DO NOT feel quilty for it.  I would say we all have good cause to be anrgy from time to time and upset and down, sometimes we have to loose our selves in order to find ourselves at times.  I really hope that makes some sense to you JR. 

I just wanted to share a bit of me with you so that you know that you are not alone in this and that I feel the same ways at times.  I am strong and always have been, but I must say this have been the hardest thing in my life I have ever had to deal with and I have had alot or crap come my way in my life time but this at times has brought me to my knees.

Its a bit like greiving for the death of someone you love.  Its a process and you go through the steps and sometimes when you think you have come through one of the steps you find yourself back at step one, just like when you loose someone, something just triggers it and its like it was in the beginning where you feel like your heart is being rectched out. 

You have been strong and fought through all that you have been through and I know you will find your way back as we all do, but allow yourself to cry , sometimes it is the best thing we can do, and then we pick ourselves back up and go on to fight the battles to win the war.

I really hope you are ok, I will be praying for you and just know that you are not alone and if you wish to email me you can I do completely understand what you are going through.

Take care


Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 9/30/2008 11:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I just had to say how much your post touched me. So beautifully expressed. JR - know my thoughts
are with you, even though at the moment I don't have Lara's eloquence. I suspect she speaks for many
of us.

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