Dear mom9mom thanks for saying it hurt you as well always nice to know your not a whimp lol..
And thanks to everyone for all your imput and friendship it means the world to me right now. I have just been going through so much this last while and I feel like im on the verge of cracking up right now. Im sitting here crying my eyes out just wrighting this. I dont know whats the matter with me any more.
How do you cope all the time when everyday seems to bring new challenges on top of the ones you already have? I cant even deal with what I have let alone the new sh** that keeps coming may way. Im just so tired and worn down to the bone. I feel a bit lifeless right now like everything is such a great effort and there just any place else to drawl from.
I struggle everyday with calling my ex and saying im dropping the kids with him and taking off to europe to be with my fiancee and saying ok you take care of me for awhile because I just cant carry it anymore. I hate this, I have never been like this in my life time and I dont know how to deal with it anymore.
When I talk with people some get it to an extent but others (most) just look at you like ok so get over it or ok what can you do to change things. Well do they not think I have already gone over what can I do to change things. grrrrrrrrrr its so frustrating and then I find myslef freaking out on everyone because these people know me and they know im not a slacker and they know im a problem solver what do they think im doing all the time. What is there to figure out. Im hurt in pain all the time, Im being used as a pin cushion, running back and forth to doc after doc to find answers, i dont sleep, I push myself to the limit everyday. My days off are spent running to doc appointments. I have to take care of my kids, I have to work, I have to do what I have to do. what is there to give up!
I talk with the docs about all this and get no where but more test, the meds im on dont work and no one will try anything else. Im on medicade and no one wants to take new medicade patients anymore because they dont pay. So its get a promise to pay from lawyer which is eating my settlement (what ever that may be) to peices. At this point who knows I might end paying out of pocket by the time its all said and done.
Im still fighting with welfare to get food stamps and they keep giving me the run around and thats been almost 7 weeks now sense I have applied. My marrige visa for my fiancee is still in the works dont know how long its gonna take till thats sorted and hey lets not forget Christmas is right round the corner and I cant even pay my bills anymore let alone think about buying presents for my kids.
What I dont get and sometimes just eats at me is why! Why me? I have worked my whole life, I have lived my life to try and make a difference in this world. I have told the truth worked hard did what I have to do and did it the right way. When i have had made mistakes, I have tried to learn from them to become a better person. I have given to everyone in my life and taken care of everyone else, why when I need help is there no one around to phycail help. My mom and dad right me a check every month sence the acc, but when I call and ask for the phyical its I cant or well why cant your kids do it, you need to make them do it. Then im like mom If I could get them to them I wouldnt be calling you. I just dont have it in me to fight that battel right now. Still nothing. Dont get my wrong im grateful they help out with paying my rent sence the acc but I need some phyical help.
I call my ex and ask him to get the kids for a while till I can get this sorted and all i get from him is excuses and reasons why i need to hold on till April. *** if I could hold on till april then I wouldnt be calling him asking for help!
I have never been a person to wollow in self pity or to stay down but now I find myself in this place and I dont know how to get out of it. I feel like a victim and in ways i know I am but I dont like playing the victim at all. I dont like using things as an excuse for not dealing, but God I just dont know how to deal with this. I feel like I have lost myself completly.
Then there are those odd days that you think you are feeling better and you try to get back to the old self and do things and as soon as you try you realize that ok you feel a bit better but your still bound by pain and limitaions. And it like a ray of hope that just gets snatched away and your left a bit more defeated than you were if you hadnt tried. Hence I was feeling alot better yesterday and then went food shopping by myself and 45 mins later im in my car crying my eyes out because I was in so much pain and thinking what just happened I was feeling better. Is that my limit now I cant walk more than 30 mins without stopping, how am I soposed to live and function life this. How am I supposed to raise my kids like this. grrrrrrr
Im so sorry for going off like this but I feel like im about to expode. I quess my hope is seeing how you all deal with it when you get to your end of your rope. How do you hold on and keep going and keep a postive attitude with it all? What do you do when your so down in the dumps? How do you change who you are into something that your not? I dont know just needed to vent and cry and just let it all out all the fears and worry that has been eating at me this last while.
Thanks for listening