I just wanted to keep in touch with everyone here. Most here already know my story (living with mom and sdad, bad situation, in bankruptcy state b/c of huge medical bills, lost my home and have no friends)... Living here with my mom and stepdad is very hard. There's a lot of tension b/c my sdad and I never really got along, both parents are in poor health, both have very bad nerves and are angry b/c they're getting old and can't do the things they used to do. My mom is only happy when she's spending money. They recently had a lot of work done to their home, including getting rid of their tub and getting a nice new delux shower. I needed that tub so badly to soak my muscles when the pain is very bad. I've tried to get medical assistance, food stamps, etc... any kind of help from the county/state, but since I live with my parents, the Dept. of Public Assistance always includes their income with mine. It's crazy. I pay them a lot of money to live here and buy my own groceries, pay for all medical bills and prescriptions out of pocket, etc... My mom is sometimes so nice to me and understanding, then she can change suddenly and act as though she's angry with me and has nothing to say to me. My sdad and I rarely ever talk. He's been cruel and both parents are in poor health. I can't help them. My mom is always busy, cleaning, wanting to go shopping, etc... and I have such guilt feelings b/c I'm just not feeling well enough to take her places. I have absolutely no privacy at all, and there's tension if I don't watch TV with them at night... I need my own space!!! I hurt so bad if I sit in the livingroom with them b/c we have designated chairs and my neck, back, ribs and hips hurt SO bad if I sit on "my chair" for more than a couple of minutes. I feel like I'm 5 years old!!! I've lost friends b/c none of them want to come back into this house after getting their first dose of my sdad's vulger sexual remarks toward them... It's just a huge mess and I feel totally trapped. I did try to get the Medical assistance + at least 4 times. Each time I'm denied. I've s/w my doctor and therapists, all of who did not believe that I would not be eligable for help until they called for me and were all told the same thing. B/c I live with my parents (only b/c I lost everything I had b/c of chronic pain issues). It's certainly not fair, but it's the way it is. All of my doctors and therapists I've seen and Pain Mgmt. doctors and specialists have told me that I'll "never get better at all, but only get worse if I don't get a place of my own where I'd feel safe and have less stress." Since I can't get help, I don't know what to do.
I'd just love it if I could find support and encouragement and folks to email back and forth with, so I'd feel like someone cared. The way I've been living, I feel like no one else even knows I'm alive anymore. I'm also have bad female problems and don't have a GYN, can't afford one and have no medical insurance...therefore, no doctor will take me in as a patient. I have only 1 doctor, who is a regular family practitioner. At least he gives me my meds. He knows about the female problems, very bad family hx of ovarian cancer, and I told him how I've been bleeding and spotting most everyday for a long time now, esp. when I do to much of anything, like grocery shopping, etc... My doctor even told me that there is no doctor that would take me on and that even if they did diagnose something bad, I would not get proper treatment b/c of having no insurance. I've seen it many times as a nurse, how the uninsured are looked down upon by doctors and I've witnessed good people die b/c they could not get proper medical care b/c of having no health insurance. It's not fair, but it's the way it is.
I just need friends and desperately would like to be able to keep in touch. I promise I would not be a total downer and would not be an overwhelming/overbearing kind of email buddy. I'm not usually a complainer! I just need to vent from time to time and I'm feeling so alone that I'm thinking that there will never be anything good in my life ever again. I need someone to talk to/email with...I'm having a hard time dealing with this devastating loneliness and feelings of hopelessness.
Thank you all so much for listening! My thoughts and prayers are with all of you too. I know my problems are small compared to many others.