I've been having a hard time coping lately. I'm trying to face reality, but it isn't easy. I've been forced to think about
the future (especially next semester) a lot lately. I barely made it through last semester, even with drastically cutting back my course load. I was hoping I'd be a little better by now, but we still haven't found the right medication combo for me. Instead I've been trying to manage side effects, major insomnia, depression, vision problems and of course the ever-persistent pain. I desperately needed this month break off, but because of an unfortunate computer crash just prior to exams, I have to spend the entire break re-doing 3 months of research (which was so very hard on my eye to begin with) and a 20 page paper, in addition to a ton of work for a class for next semester.
I'm just not sure I can get through another semester in my present state, but I desperately don't want to take time off. I'm having a very hard time making any decisions at the moment, which I think is due to my uncontrolled depression. I had a huge break down tonight about
all of this. I don't know what to do.
On top of all this, my back has been bothering me. I hurt it a couple weeks ago, shoveling after a big snow storm. I must have strained it or something, because there are about
five vertebrae that hurt when I bend or arch my back at all & they are all tender to any pressure. I'm pretty sure I didn't do any real damage, but this additional pain is not helping things.
I'm seeing my ophthalmologist in another week, but I know that there is nothing more that he can do for me. But I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, he has thought of something more to try. I'm also seeing another neuro-ophthalmologist again in about
two and a half weeks. I'm praying that he will be able to give me an answer, to help me not to give up hope. I haven't seen a neuro-ophthalmologist in over a year, so maybe something will have changed. Either way, I'll have to make some kind of decision after I see them.
I'm just so upset. What if my eye pain doesn't improve at all in the time off? What if I am in the same situation six months or a year from now. Do I just give up on school? On my dreams? I got into a really prestigious internship program at my school for next semester, and I know that I won't be accepted back into the program if I drop out now.
Sorry for all the ranting. This may seem insignificant to some of you, but it is a huge and hard decision for me, and I'm especially out of whack right now since I haven't seen my psychologist in several weeks. I'd really just appreciate some support right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the positive side of things. I just feel like the world is crashing down on me right now. Everything just seems to be going wrong.
Post Edited (skeye) : 12/28/2008 11:03:51 PM (GMT-7)