Depression is setting in again!

Hello to all my friends. I really haven't told y'all too much about myself except for bits & peices in others threads. Well, I don't know if I'll have time but I'll try as I am headed down hill fast and could use some help or at least a shoulder to cry on. To start with, when I was 21 years old my father died of prostate cancer and my whole world fell apart. I was in collage and a nationally ranked competitive swimmer at the time at Springfield College in Ma. a Phys Ed school where they invented basketball and YMCA. I ended up in the hospital w/ a sever bleeding ulsers in my stomac. This was the third death in my family in 5 months. To make a long story short, after getting out of collage in the middle of the worst resession I had developed some sort of death wish and just knew I wouldn't live till 30, NO WAY! Fast motorcycles, alcohol, drugs & lots of girls are all I cared about. After too many crashes to even remember, I had a big one in a Porsche with my good friend driving durring a heavy drinking & druging night. Head on with a big Olds station wagon. My buddy was cut in half & died and I went up through the T roof but my legs stayed in the car. Broken neck, broken back, shatered my pelvis, dislocated left hip and broken up legs to start with. A comma for 2 1/2 weeks and in traction on both ends for 5 months. One would think that after such an accident, one would slow down. Not Pete! To be cont. later!

Thanks for listening>

Your friend,

Pete      

Sorry Pamela, I'm working and shouldn't have started something now. I just wanted to give a background of myself so you could understand what's going on in my life now. I'm Very sad today.
Thanks for listening!
Pete

Cont.>> Got out of the hospital and travelled (hitch hiked & busses) around the counry on crutches after my Doc told me I'd never walk right again. After the north then the west coast I came back through the south and ended up staying with a cousin in New orleans (owned a jazz/seafood bar) untill I could walk again. Burned the crutches on the big levy of the Great Miss. River. Flew back to N.J. and my bad habits. Bought a bigger faster motor cycle with the settlement I recieved from my dead friend's insurance co. Smart boy, eh? Then I met this girl> More later unless I'm boring everyone to death!!!
Pete

Well it looks like no one cares about one old guys trip down memory lane, I don't blame you! Since all that was written so far took place over 30 years ago it all matters little to anyone but me. How did I get here from there? Lonely, hurting and depressed writing to a bunch of people I don't even know. Thank You Pamela for caring, you are an angel and I will miss you! But I'm out of here, I will bore you no longer!
Pete

Please do continue! I would have replied yesterday but I just quit smoking and can't focus really well yet.

jennifer

Pete,
I apologize for not responding sooner but I've not been doing so well myself. Please try not to take it so personally if you don't get immediate responses. Remember we're in the same boat! And some of us even in the same COLD front boat!! LOL Single digits and below here and you bet it make a difference. My wrists even hurt so I'm not typing as much.

But it's true we are only one part of a support system. Please forgive me if I don't remember (my mind I think is gone, and I hope it went someplace warm) but if you're not talking with a therapist maybe it would be helpful. A good therapist can help you look at your life's story and decide how you're going to put the puzzle pieces together for yourself. I'm still working on mine!

Please don't leave, but know many of us are hurting along with you....as well as shivvering!

PaLady

Awe Pete, I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Dad, I could just imagine that being very
very hard. I saw a lot of death before I was 18 as well had 3 cousin that had cystic fibrosis
anyways the loss of your parent was by far harder and you have my sympathies..
Sorry I couldn't chime in sooner, just had to give a cat back as it got sick and ended up
with feline leukemia and I really wanted that cat too...Funny how I'm closer to my cats than to my own
family..
Lots of soft hugz and please continue your story. I'll try to follow as best as I can...

Aw Pete we are all seeming to have lots of pain going on lately, it has to be all these cold fronts hitting various parts of the country. I know PA had snow along with her cold weather. I can tell ya, when that barometer starts going nuts-so does my body.lol I have ben very fortunate to have no knee pain for 1 yr-well thats over with. It hurts to climb the stairs to get to the puter.

I can relate to depression-so can alot of others on here. Hang in there, its got to get better. Hugs, Susie

Y'all are such nice people. I feel so bad for acting the way I did. I know so many of you have it worse than I do and thats what makes it so bad. Instead of telling me to get lost, y'all are rallying around me trying to cheer me up and help me. You are special people and I am thankful to have you as my friends. I don't think I can go on with my personal history anymore though, it wasn't a good idea. I don't want anyone the think badly about me from what I did in the past. I'll just say, I made more mistakes than most and alot of my problems were caused by myself and now that I'm older I am paying dearly for them both physically and mentally. I still have my stats from the prostate cancer forum listed at the bottom of my page, that is how I found Healing Well. I have recieved a tremendous amount of help from the good folks there in the last couple years. I don't post there much anymore but do read them every chance I get and have some dear friends there. It is different than here in that we do lose some very good guys there to that retched monster way too often. I'm thinking about changing my stats on my page to my CP info so y'all can see them. I'm not sure it makes a difference though. What do you think? Well, its been a very long day and I'm going to try to get some much needed sleep now. Thank you all for being there for me, it means a lot to me! I hope all y'all get the nice peaseful pain free nights sleep you deserve tonight.
God bless each and everyone of you.
Your Good Friend,
Pete

Hello Pete.

 

I have just read your story and the replies from all the kind people on the form here, it is so nice to have the caring of people we donot know but for the computer bringing them into our lives.  Pete we have all done things in our past that we wish we could change, redo, undo etc. but that is not to be so we do the next best thing we learn from it and we forgive ourself for it and go on and be better for it.

 

I do not know what your life was like but by the sound of your letters you are having a hard time with it, I want you to know that one thing I had to learn was that i am only accountable for the choices i have made not for the choices of someone else.  You are not held accountable for them. and You only need to ask GOD for forgives and You have it.  You can let go of the past and go on knowing that you are Loved for who you are not for what you did or didnot do.

 

Pete each one of us are loved and we need to love ourself to just think of what your letter on the post did for all of us, you not only helped yourself by getting it off your chest buy you found you do have friends that care and understand. but you also brought things out in all of us to, see we do need each other.

Hi, Pete:

I'm terribly late piping in here, so please forgive me that. But I want to tell you that I am very glad you've joined the forum. In the time you've been here you have offered kindness and encouragement to so many of us. I'm so glad you've decided to stick around so we can try to return the favor. As someone said to you in another thread. You are quite a guy. And although I'm sorry for the pain you are in, we are glad to have you as a part of the HW family.

Ry

p.s. Andrea - welcome back. You should start a new thread to re-introduce yourself. I bet everyone would like to "meet" you and hear your story too.

Andrea,
I'm so glad you came back, please stay. There are such great people here as you read on my post. I'm not sure what happened to you last time but I'm sure if it happened again, there would be people here who would have your back this time. Myself being at the head of the list!! I'm going to stick around and you should too, there is alot of love and help here, just what I need right now.
Now for something I failed to mention prior to starting this thread. Some times I just don't pay enough attention to what I'm doing. Maybe it's because I have too many things wirling around in my brain at once or had abused my brain with way too many bad things way too often back when I was young and charter member of the "Just Say Yes Club" or maybe I'm just getting old! What ever the reason, I did something that may have very well caused this funk I'm in right now and never put 2 + 2 together! My wife lives 4 hours away from me, I know I've mentioned this before but there is so much more to it. I have been having problems sexualy ever since my prostate surgery 5 years ago. I'm trying so hard to make a come back but there are lots of hurdles I must jump before my wife and I will have a happy sex life again. She came back home for three weeks over the hollidays because my two sons were home on leave from the Navy. We all had a great time together but there was no sex between she and I. I became depressed because we didn't talk about it or even try to make it happen. Besides my pc problems, the pain thing is always there too along with all the medications and to make the whole thing worse, she is in metapause now! Right after she left I got this brilliant idea to cut my antidepression meds down in hopes of getting some sort of sex drive back. I love my wife dearly and wanted to be close to her. I tapered down 1/4 my daily dose for a week and then anothe 1/4 dose the second week. DA!!!! Thats when my depression started getting bad! I take so many other pills that after 2 weeks I just wasn't paying attention or even thinking that the cutback was causing it! DUMB EH??? Well, I started back to the full dose again. Now I will do it the right way and go see my Doc & Urologist and see what they think. I'm sure that lots of you have sexual side effects from your meds or are just hurting too bad to even think about sex. I haven't seen a thread on the subject here although I'm sure there have been. So maybe now some of you can understand why I've been acting the way I have. I really am a good person, wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose! OK, enough blabbing! Please feel free to coment>
LUV YUZE GIZE!!! (still a Jersey boy at heart)
Pete

Pete:

I don't think that you've hurt anyone here. We understand how the pain and all the life changes that come as a result of it can affect you. You're allowed to vent here. We all do!

Ry