I usually post on the fibromyalgia forum but one in awhile post here as I have tons of chronic pain issues. I posted a simalar post on the fibro forum. I struggle with the sex issue everyday. It's like I am terrified when my hubby Jayson even hints at sex. I also am no idiot at some of the comments that I know pertain to me not being a willing partner,like last night my hubby and I were watching TV and he made a comment of "at least he's getting some" and then when I was upset he said it wasnt about me and he was only joking ,ya right.
When Jayson and I first got together 9 years ago it was with me getting out of a terribly abusive marriage and him not being with anyone for 3 years so there was sex galore in every room in the house sometimes several times a day. I had lost a bunch of weight right before meeting him and he was 50 pounds lighter too and even though I had some pain from having my tailbone removed several years before,I had been going to a gy 3 times a week and was in the best shape I had been in years. Then 4 months after he moved here I fell down the stairs and broke my back and hurt other multiple things on the way down. So I was thrown into massive pain for many months. The outcome though was chronic pain on a daily basis and weight gain. Then you throw in the deppresion and meds for that and all the pain killers and so no libido. I got to the point where if I never had sex for the rest of my life it would be fine with me. It did not change the way I felt about Jayson though as in how much I still loved him and did want the affection just not sex.
Jayson has been pretty patient in all of this and as the years went by with him gaining the 50 pounds his libido has lowered alot as well but we would have sex every few months and I did throw in pleasuring him every few weeks. I did not feel bad about taking care of just him. It was my only way of feeling close to him in that way on a reg basis and he even said he felt somewhat guilty about it like I was just doing it to make him happy but I was getting some satifaction out of it myself too because it made me feel close to him. Then I got fibromyalgia and even that changed. I now have all over muscle and joint pain and many days I walk around the house looking like an 90 year old lady specially now in the winter as the cold makes me hurt even more. Now when we attempt sex more times then not I have to stop because of pain,mostly pain in my back.
One of the issues we have is that Jayson used to be alot more active when we had sex but since gaining all the wieght we literally have something that has come between us....his stomach. He tires easily and is short on breath too so that leaves me to do all the work. He basically lays back and start to finish its up to me to do all the work. I am very short so being on top of him is impossible its like sitting on a teeter totter. For me to be in a sitting position on him requires me to use my legs for the motion and that kills my legs and low back and he is opposed to any going in from behind because he says it makes him feel "weird" sighhhhh. We have talked about how much better things could be if he lost wieght and became more of an equal partner in out love making but shows no sign of that ever happening as he has become very addicted to food. Its like he acts like he wants more sex but does nothing on his part to make that happen and I just cant do this on my own but he acts for the most part like its because of me that we dont have much sex.
And there have been times when I phych myself up all day to have sex and actually get in the mood and make sure I have just taken my pain meds and then he turns me down. Its usaully some totally bogus excuse too,the old I have a headache or I banged my leg at work and it hurts even though when he first came home he said he was feeling fine and was not limping till later. I take that as he is feeling fat and slugish and just doesnt want to make the effort what little effort there is. It does make me resentful that the reason I have trouble having sex is because of things beyond my control but him losing weight is totally something he can control and that its not worth the effort to get rid of the weight if not for him then for me. He knows how hard it is for me to do everything and he knows how much easier it would be for me if he dropped the pounds but I feel like I a not worth the work of losing this weight. The only time he even seems happy anymore is when he is eating and his gluttony is making me more and more turned off by him.
And its not just about sex in our household. Its about him not putting any effort into anything but his job. He used to help out around the house alot and now its a fight to even get him to vaccum. I do many things at home like dusting,bathroom,dishes,all the cooking and most of the laundry and overall picking up and keeping things tidy. All I ask of him is to vacuum the stairs and landings and to mop the kitchen and bathroom floors. He tired saying "oh I keep forgetting" so we have a dry message board riht on the side of the fridge and I told him anything I need you to do I will write it here. Ya,still doesnt get done and like the vacuuming of the stairs it gets to the point where I was practically begging him to do it and still nothing so I end up doing these things myself and he goes"I said I would do it why did you do it?" sheesh,he knows that those things hurt me like hell and put me in a fibro flare but he doesnt care, obviously. This all in turn causes tons of pain and makes it impossible to even try sex. So where do I go from here? its like we are at a standpoint in our marriage and I frankly dont know how much longer this can last as it is?