Posted 1/29/2009 8:19 PM (GMT -6)
As you all know or most that have read my last post when I went to the doctor the Monday before I left to attend my dad's funeral, my doctor got a little upset with Wyoming Worker's Compensation over their demands to my doctors request to have me evaluated for the Neuro Stimulator. My doctor was furious and gave them an ultimatum saying that they either allow him to treat me like he sees fit to or he would dump me as a patient and WC could find me another doctor that would see things their way. He also stated that it was insane that I have been forced to live with this horrible pain for this amount of time when all along several doctors have seen it viable to place the Neuro Stimulator feeling that it would bring me much relief from my leg pain. As I have stated many many times to all my doctors and to you all if I could decrease the leg pain I could deal with the back pain that I suffer from for this is mild compared to the horrible suffering pain that radiates down my legs each and every day. After so many surgeries I know that I will always be in pain, that is a given, it comes with the territory of having multiple back surgeries and fusions to my lower back. But the leg pains in both legs are getting worse by the day and I am now getting some weakness in my left leg plus "dead" spots in both thighs and pins and needles feelings in my feet on the heels, arches and toes of my feet which I did not have before.
When I told this to my doctor on that Monday she was concerned that we were falling backwards into a really bad situation and wanted to get this ball rolling quickly. Well, after the letter was received by WC I was anxious, thinking that I was going to get a denial letter stating that I was to find a new doctor. But to my surprise this afternoon I received a phone call from a doctor whom my doctor referred me to for my Psych Evaluation for the purpose of determining whether I am a candidate for the Neuro Stimulator! I see him the 6th of March which gives me lots of time to get my mind straight after losing my dad and lets me focus on the task at hand getting through this next two months. I'm ready to move on with the next stage of this treatment and I am hoping for the best. Been through two Psych evaluations before and I think it has given me a good outlook into what to expect from this next one as well. So I figure if everything goes right.....crossing fingers....toes...and whatever else I can cross; I will be approved for the trial and be starting the trial before I head for Wyoming for my sister's wedding. That would be sooooooo sweet!!!
Of course......a little voice in the back of my mind tells me "Noooo stop getting your hopes up!" and I can't help but listen to this voice. I know I should be happy but its really hard to be. After 9 years of jumping through so many hoops and crossing so many drawbridges I can't let myself open that door quite yet. I'm afraid to.......scared to death it will be offered just enough for me to take that one crumb of hope...that one nibble of sweet pain relief and have it snatched away from me and told NO your not stable enough to have the stimulator or NO it doesn't work for people like you. Just can't allow myself to do that....its tooo much for me to take right now after all that I've been through. There seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel here and I'm afraid its going to be snuffed out by the big bad WC dragon that lurks around the corner waiting to take down my last glimmer of some normal life or what is left of it...that last utter piece of dignity that I have and just brush it away from me like I am some nobody on their blipping radar of sacrifices.
Just goes to show ya....we aren't people to the Ins and WC and Medicare people out there guys and gals......we are just blips on their radar waiting to be snuffed out like we don't matter. But we have something that makes us keep shining through their screen.........something that they can never take away.........Our voices! Raise them high my CPers....don't let them hold you down. Shout it out loud that you are not going to take one more second of their tyrant ways and keep fighting for your rights to be PAIN FREE!!!!!
Here's Hoping and prayin...crossing fingers, toes, eyes, hairs and whatever else I can cross for each of my CPers to get some pain relief.
Scarred/Hoping soon to be Healed or somewhat there