Honey you are going thru the grieving process. Don't worry about when or what you will do with the mirror. For now just put it up so that is does not get broken. There will come a time when you will know exactly where you would like that mirror to go, but for now no, put it up. People grieve in so many ways, there is not one set of grief rules, its a very indivual thing. When I lost each one of my parents it was such a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I would be crying one minute, mad the next, I mean it just happened out of the blue. But, you do need to allow yourself this time. I remember sometimes I felt so cheated. But, then when I started really getting into the funk I would call my sister and her & I would do go down memory lane, we would both be laughing and crying. It helped, mabe you can talk to your sister to see how she is handling things. One word of caution, don't allow yourself to do nothing but sit and think about it, that will drag you into a hole that you really do not need to get in. Remember, you do have some really important thing coming up in the future. Lets try to channel some energy that way. I am not saying don't grieve, not at all its perfectly normal. I know I was hit with so many emtons and I was really in a tail spin.
If you are ever out near a book store please go in and ask if they have this little paper book called "Good Grief". This little book is just pricelss, I told you about my friend giving me a copy when I lost my Dad. Someone she knows gave her a copy when she lost her Mom suddenly. This little book helped me understand all the emotions I was goling thhru cause I really was having a very difficult time. I was the baby of the family and I was very close to my Dad. I fought so hard for him during 6 months of hospitlaizations and heart surgery, only to lose him to a sudden unexpected mass heart attack the day before he was to be released to go home after weeks and weeks of being in the hospital. My Dad had his aortic heart valve replaced and an myriad of events took place from that point including kidney failure. The nurses was over medicating him and keeping him out of his mind, he was halucinating and finally his dr said they just could not continue to keep him in the hospital any longer. I am not going to go into all the hell we went thru with that hospital.My Dad received horrible care the entire time he was there. They told me I needed to put my Dad in a nursing home. When the dr told me that I lost it it. I knew what was wrong with my Dad and I knew I had to get him out of that hospital to prove it. So, I put in a call to a very good friend that was a neurologist. I explained everything that had happened in the previous 4 weeks. He in turn called in a favor to a friend at the Health South in patient Hospital. They sent a nurse liason to the hospital to do an evaluation to see if my Dad was a candidate for their hospital and he was accepted. My Dad was in dire need of extensive rehabilitation, he had been left laying in a bed after open heart surgery with no rehab of any kind. The only thing the the nurses did was make sure they kept my Dad knocked out or out of his mind. I got to noticing all the patients on that floor were elderly people and these people were always sleeping. I cannot tell you how many times he fell out of the wheelchair, he fell cutting his head open. I have to stop there.
Anyway, the head dr put my Dad thru a very extensive evaluation and he called my brother & I in to discuss his findings. The very first thing out of his mouth was he found that our Dad had been over medicated at the hospital. I knew this all along because the nurses were giving my Dad shots of Haldol and it made him crazy. He was one that did not tolerate medications well either, I got that from him,. He hallucinated and talked crazy on this drug. It is suppose to have a sedating effect and they gave him this crap. I ended up screaming at his dr that he was to remove this medication from his chart because of the nurses using it extensively on my Dad. The nurses had authority to use it at their discretion. They took my Dad off of all medications that he had been on except for what he needed for his heart condition and such. My Dads legs had become extremely infected from where they removed veins for the bypass surgery, it was a mess getting those healed up. I want you to know that within 3 days of being at Health South and being taken off all the medications they had him on, his mind cleared up. My Dad knew who he was and he knew who me and my brother were. Now, he had no recollection thank goodness of all the hell from the other hospital.
My Dad lost what kidney function he had from the dye used to do his heart cath. His kidneys shut down and he had to put on dialysis three days a week. Health South did not have dialysis machines at their hospital; so 3 evenings a week I took my Dad from there to an out patient facility for his dialysis treatments. He did great and they packed him a sack lunch to take to dailysis since he would be missing dinner at the hospital. I cannot begin to tell you what good care my Dad received at Health South. He just blossomed under the care there. He started having some kindey function to return. His kidney dr said he had about 15% that returned and he was going to take Dad off of dialysis. My Dad lived 11 days after that. His kidneys started shutting down again and his numbers were all over the place and he had a massive heart attack induced by kidney failure. I wanted to kill his kidney dr for not tapering my Dad off of the dyalysis. I felt in my heart if he had done that my Dad would not have died. I was at work when Health South called and said my Dad was enroute to the hospital by ambulance, they would not give me any further information. His kidney dr was there at the hospital and when my Dad was gone I will never forget the look on his face when he came in the family room and he was so shocked. Of course I was nuts at this point it took me quite awhile to connect all of this together. I knew alot of medical conditions and such but kidneys were totally greek to me. I knew nothing about kidney problems. I guess for about a year I was really a mess over my Dad's death. I had a very difficult time dealing with the loss.
Its such a hard thing for kids to have to deal with losing a parent. I lost both of mine within 18 months of each other. Allow yourself time to grieve Scarred but don't let yourself become consumed with it, I did. Its just not healthy. But, you also have a set of rotten circumstances dealing with your brother too and that has alot of bearing on your feelings too. So don't be hard on yourself ok. Your Dad made the decision on what he and who he wanted caring for him, that was totally out of your control honey. There is nothing you could have done about that decision it was not yours to make. Please no more beating yourself up over that, you had no control over that situation at all. I am sorry I have written you a long post but I thought if I did it would help you understand some of the things you are feeling cause its all new to you.
I will stop here,lol. Lots of gentle hugs coming your way.......Susie