Pete where are ya buddy should I be worried about hubby now?

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Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 2/20/2009 5:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Hiya Pete,
Ok I guess I wanted to run this past a man because I know what women would be saying.  As you know I have had some ups and down with the hubby over the last months.  Part of what I so called "nagged" him abut was personal hygiene as in showering more often,shaving more often,maybe do something to spiff up a bit with no luck.  Then over this last month all the sudden he is showering and shaving and even brushing his teeth more and he has lost about 15 pounds and really is still cutting back on large amounts of food (he had gained about 60 pounds after I met him).  Now as of last night he asks me to go over to the store to pick out hair coloring to frost his dark blond hair.  Now this is something he did once before many years ago and he has tossed around the idea of even going to some strange colors but never did it.  The kicker wait for it............he hired a gal he worked with several years ago and she is very cute,only 23 yrs old with 2 kids in a bad marrige.  Jay and this girl get along great.  She has his salty sense of humor and even though 4'10" takes no crap. Jay says there is othing like that between them but admits that ya she is pretty,he seems very happy when he gets to work with her.  There had even been some rumors floating around work,granted for some recently let go employees,a girlfriend/boyfriend combo that they thought something was going on between Jay and this girl.  Jay has never given me a reason to doubt him and laughed all of this off.  But he has also been saying things and acting kinda wierd at home too.  One minute he is very caring towards me and the next acts like I dont exist.  He even told me the other day that there are times when I say I dont feel well and he just feels like telling me to shut the hell up and suck it up.  He says this is on days were he had a rough day but still it hurt me deeply.  He has upped his I'm just kidding crap with alot of his remarks but I just dont think so.  I think he is saying exactly how he feels or thinks.  He is only 32 but its almost like a mid life thing.  Or.......its he is finally fed up dealing with someone with chronic pain and is working towards moving on.  I have told him I would appreciate a heads up if this is what he wants and he just says I am being stupid but I have seen these signs from at least 2 other relasionships,including a 13 yr marriage and it scares me.  Jay also is not a drinker.  He had maybe 2 small drinks the whole time in vegas last spring and doesnt drink at home cept like 5 yrs ago had a few coolers but now all the sudden he comes home with a pint of seagrams and says he feels like tieing one on while I am away at my daughters this week.  Not like him at all.  Its like I cant talk to him he either ignores my questions or laughs at me when I tell him my concerns and he says who else would want him? as he just kinda of a reg guy that doesnt make much and is in debt to some extent.  But I met him online and he knows full well that there are plenty of women who would jump at the chance for any guy that at least has a job.  He knows this from the chat room we met in were he got plently of offers at least for sex where they would even fly to where he was to get it.  I know I cant stop anything bad from happening.  Jay says stop *****ing and at least he is finally doing what I have asked him to do but ya I am worried about him and this girl.  He calls her his mini me and she will smack him on the butt at work but I also know that is her personality too,very abrasive and she is very friendly to me when I am there which by the way he has treated me pretty crappy the last few times I have offered to help out there or been asked where he talked down to me and made me feel like I was totally imcompetant to even to do the task as in too slow or stupid,something that doesnt usually happen at all or I woulnt be offering to help.  Just so many things going through my mind Pete.  Am I blowing this out of proportion? or what do you think knowing the problems we are having? oh and he also announced that even if I was willing to "service" him that there would be no more of it as it made him feel guilty even though I told him this sometimes is the only way to feel close to him sexually.  And no there hasnt been any full sex in a few months due to pain.

Mom of one gramma to 4 lover to One
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain,nerve damage due to botched bladder surgery,torn hip joint,hypoglycymic
Norco(double strength vicodin) 80 to 100 mg @ day
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Post Edited (QTKaren) : 2/20/2009 3:09:22 PM (GMT-7)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 329
   Posted 2/20/2009 5:59 PM (GMT -6)   

I let my husband read this and he says that something just is not right. He says it might not be cheating but something has to have happened for your hubby to suddenly start acting this way.

Now for a womans opinion

Men don't change hygine habits unless
A.) They can smell themselves
B.) They are trying to impress something

Please tread carefully and watch closely. I don't want you to get hurt and I know if my hubby started acting that way, something would be up.

Hysterectomy at 25

4 laproscopic surgeries since 24

Cervical stenosis in C3 & C4



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In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. ~Thomas Szasz 

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16789
   Posted 2/20/2009 8:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen I am with Ekkorose on this. She is right "tread lightly here". If you keep talking about it to him it may just push in that direction.

Pete is in N Carolina I think it is this weekend at a fishing gear show. Susie

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 2/21/2009 2:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Durrrrrr forgot about the fishing thing. Oh I will tread lightly but I am also not stupid and have been burned before. Not because I didnt totally think something was up but because I followed my heart and not my head and let things go on too far. I told Jayson when I met him I would rather spend the rest of my life alone then to be disrespected in the way my ex hubby did and I have stood my ground many times with Jayson as in not letting him joke or talk down to me nor act around me any different then he would have when we first met with respect and caring. So I am keeping his butt in line with me. I did help him with his hair tonight and we talked some. I got the feeling tonight that he is just very unsure of himself right now and I know he hasnt been happy with his appearence specialy after I lost over 75 pounds last year and started dressing nicer and such. I got tired of looking like a frump after a clerk at the grocery saw me with makeup on and a nice blouse and assumed I had to be going to a party or something,I wasnt going anywhere but I had become so frumpy that ppl got used to me looking that way. Another thing is although I am 15 yrs older then Jayson I happen to look alot younger as in about 32 instead of 48 and Jay looks older then his 32 yrs at about 35 so ppl really upped the compliments after I spiffed up. I had even seen Jay roll his eyes a few times when someone would comment that I looked very young for my age or even younger then him. And I am not trying to be vain,all the women in my family look young for thier age. My daughter is almost 30 and frequently gets guessed in her late teens or maybe 20 at the oldest. I dont know I have made it clear to ppl around us that I havent been happy with Jays remarks or attitude and they have noticed changes in him too. Maybe he is just going through an image thing but if not I will be the first to call him on it. Tonight he said he was incredibly stressed at work and I have been there so I know its true. Jayson is the manager of a Subway sandwich store and ppl dont even realize the work involved there whether it be working the counter or behind it and he works both. He is constantly in there either doing prep ahead for his emplyee's or coming in to help out when they are busy and I dont remember the last day he had without getting called over there for something. I am in no way saying that is an excuse for any bad behavior just that I do understand he is going through a rough time there right now. I do very much appreciate any views on this even though it is off topic but still linked to an old post about sex and chronic pain. So ya on the pain part there is very little sex going on here. Something as I have said before we didnt plan on 4 months into our relasionship when I fell and broke my back. Hugs to all.

Mom of one gramma to 4 lover to One
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x2,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,nerve damage due to tailbone removel,nerve damage due to fractured back,deppresion,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain,nerve damage due to botched bladder surgery,torn hip joint,hypoglycymic
Norco(double strength vicodin) 80 to 100 mg @ day
Ms Contin(morphine) 45 mg @ day,Lyrica 600mg @ day

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1560
   Posted 2/21/2009 4:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen; I agree with both rose and Susie here "tread very lightly". I've been down this road myself and actually was right about my ex but I really think that marriage ended two years before I found out and that he was just looking for an excuse. The bedroom subject has always been a huge conflict with my husbands' and my relationship ever since the last surgery and I was diagnosed with CP and failed back syndrome. Since I am also going through that horrible and maddening "Menopausal" stage of my life my libido is obsolete and since I cannot take HRT as prescribed by a doctor for this problem I have to find a OTC product that helps take away the night sweats, hot flashes and whatnot from this crazy imbalance. But the pain is the hardest to work through as far as hubby and I's intimacy because my husband is overweight and it is difficult to find that right position that I feel comfortable in as well as him. Now I'm not one to talk about things like this....I'm a very private person but it has gotten to the point where he no longer asks. Its been weeks since we've been intimate and I can't help but wonder if because of my CP that this won't drive him away. I've kept this to myself cause I know what hubby would say...he'd tell me there was nothing to worry about and that I was just being paranoid. But after being in two failed marriages and knowing the signs of infidelity it's hard not to have that in the back of my mind. My husband means everything to me and he has never given me any reason to distrust him after 13 years together. He is always thinking of me first and has been there for me through thick and thin. If there was anything from my old life that I truly wished to return it would be our intimacy.

Anyway, I hope that things are ok with you and that soon you find hope that the pain will decrease so that you can get some normal life back with your husband.


What doesn't kill us only makes us fight back harder! :P

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 2/21/2009 5:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen, I don't know if my from a man's perspective will help or not. I actually teach classes on healthy relationships and on marriage. I have been married to my wonderful wife for 26 years. We are the only ones in our families that have never been divorced. Most of my family have multiple failed marriages so I have seen that side from another view. I have counseled individuals and couples for over 20 years. With all this said, what strikes me as a major area of concern is the communication. I know that when people are stressed they tend to say things that normally they hold back or say in different ways. To say things that demean or cut at a person and then to say I am only kidding is very damaging to the relationship. In fact the part about, I am only kidding, probably make sit worse. Then to laugh at you for trying to be up front and honest about how you are feeling is disrespectful, hurting and shows a lack of genuine concern. If my wife came to me and asked me if I was messing around or if I was thinking of leaving, I would want to know why she felt that way. I would want to know what she saw in my actions, attitude or speech that would lead her to question the integrity of love for her. Don't get me wrong, I have my faults like anyone else but if I don't constantly build a positive relationship with her when things seem to be going good, when stress or frustration come the relationship will begin to deteriorate. My CP is as much an issue for my wife as it is for me. Even my kids, age 22, 20 and almost 18 are effected by my CP and I work hard at building my relationship with them in different ways since I can't do many activities with them. As for his cleaning up his personal hygiene, I would encourage you to compliment him and let him know that you really appreciate his efforts. Men will dress for other women than their wives even if they are not having an affair. I also believe that if there is unresolved problems and uncertainty at home, many men will begin building relationships with women and that can lead to other things. In counseling I warn men of behaviour like this because it not only opens the door for a wrong relationship but takes the attention and affection from the marriage partner. I won't bable any more but I will pass on one thing that I teach all my students about assuming. When you assume, you are normally wrong. I know it is not the saying many people have heard before. When we assume we base or assumption on limited and sometimes misleading information. I hope that you two can use this time in your life to turn towards each other rather than away. Blessings!   

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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16789
   Posted 2/21/2009 9:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen sorry was tired when I posted last night. You are absoltely right about not letting your husband belittle you. That is just plain disrepectfull. I would tell him I do not do that to you and you sure are not going to do that with me. Its makes men look so small when they act that way.

Have you complimented him on how well he looks? If not let him know you like how he looks. I am sure he appreciates you fixing yourself up too. I know its real easy to fall in the trap of not doing much with ourselves when dealing with chronic pain. I am back on my band wagon of doing my hair and putting a smidge of makeup on every day. I admit it does make me feel better about myself.

I had fallen in the trap of staying in pj's all the time. Oh, I would get my shower alright, but I would just get another pair of clean pj's out and put them on. Keep us posted on how you are coming along. Susie

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 2/22/2009 4:21 PM (GMT -6)   
ALL marriages are a give/take situation. Sometime you can give, while other times you need to take...

In my relationships (including my marriage of 10yrs), i have found that there are times when one or both of us are just not all that into the relationship. The problem begins when BOTH partners are not trying.

Men, just like women need to be told they count. They are attractive, they are a great friend, lover, parent, ect. If you find that your partner has stopped the compliments or is talking to you rude, ask yourself how your tone is with them. OF COURSE< im in NO way saying you are doing this, but i can say for myself that when i start to give my husband a hard time about things, it usually is given right back to

I am of the thinking that a womens intuition is pretty good. If you honestly suspect he is cheating, then maybe it's time to dig a little deeper.

Anyways, these are just my thoughts, i hope that you and your husband can resolve things and that he can start to treat you with a little more respect!!!!
Jan. 2009, complete hysterectomy, diagnosed stage 4 endometriosis & adenomyosis (age 36)
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Date Joined Nov 2008
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   Posted 2/22/2009 4:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,  First of all you said you guys met online?  And how long have you been married?  How old is your hubby?
The reason I ask is that it might be a midlife crisis...this girl is too young to be serious about a man that is lod enough to be her dad..unless he has $$$.. Which he doesn't, right?
I feel for you, just keep an eye out, maybe it's nothing....but maybe it's something..

We are all in the same boat...unfortunatley it seems like it's sinking...
Post Lamenectomy Syndrome
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Pete trips again!
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 2/24/2009 10:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,
I hope things are better for you by now! I'll try to let you know what I think about what you wrote but I am no expert on the subject. Fatherjohn sounded like he had some good insight for you. Throughout my 29 years of marrage I have had lots of encounters like you described. I'll tell you right now though, I never acted on any of them, sexually that is! I beleive men can get sort of caught up in these relationships w/ girls who build up their ego up. I know lots of cheating guys but unlike those women's talk shows say, not all men are cheaters! I'm not a cheater and never have have been even though I've had lots of chances! The truth is, I thought about it many, many times, I think thats just natural for men but thinking and acting are two different things! I love my wife very much and when it comes down to it, I see her face in my mind and I just couldn't hurt her like that. I don't know your husband so it's really hard to tell by what you've written but my guess is that he is thinking about it, probably a lot and weighing it out in his mind if he should or shouldn't act on it. He surely knows that if he does, he will get caught, too many people know about the way they are acting. All guys think about doing it w/ girls all the time, we can't help that, but there's big difference in all of us guys. Some cheat and some do not. I don't know how married guys who say they are in love could possibly even take the chance. I know, I couldn't live w/ myself even if I knew I wouldn't get caught. My wife would take one look at me and know right away! I project my emotions that much. I thing if he does act on it, you will know too. Sorry if this isn't any help, I wish I could explain it better!
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections every 2weeks . 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on an aircraft carrier heading for Hong Kong and the other on a Gator Freighter stationed in Norfolk, Va. I am one proud PaPa! 

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Date Joined Dec 2007
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   Posted 2/24/2009 11:59 AM (GMT -6)   


I am with the rest of almost all of the posters when they tell you to keep your eyes open. My husband, who I never thought would cheat, did.....and with a 20 something . I had been battling my problem with RSD, and while I thought that my husband would never do something like that, he did.

I am pretty in tune with him, and he suddenly developed a desire to watch his weight, went on a diet( I'd been asking him to go on for several years- he lost almost 50 pounds), started working out, his grooming was even better than it was previously.....he cared suddenly about not wearing t shirts all of the time, but instead regular shirts.....he started going out with "friends" he made at work. His former girlfriend also "worked" there. He was not out with friends, he was out with her.

Anyway, just be careful and keep your eyes open. I knew the first night that he was with her, that he had done something that he knew was wrong. As I said, I know my husband and I know how he acts. He knew that I knew as well.

Take care of you.....


PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
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I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.

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