Welcome to the CP board of HW. It sure seems like we've had a lot of new folks the past few days! We're happy to have you here, but like Scarred said, sorry about the circumstances. I can relate to some of the feelings that you are having. I was on oxycodone & oxycontin in the past, and am now on dilaudid. I absolutely HATE (and that's probably not a strong enough word) being on pain medication. Most of us do. One of the many reasons I hate it is that it scares me. It is powerful stuff (although sometimes it doesn't feel that way), and there is such a stigmatism associated with it. I put off going on meds for quite a while, despite having docs tell me that I should be on pain meds, because of this. I finally gave in when I had exhausted all other options & I became more terrified of what would happen if my pain wasn't controlled (I'll spare you going into detail on how badly I was functioning because of severe pain), than what would happen if I was on pain meds. I won't say that pain meds are a cure all for my pain, far from it. I still have pretty severe pain, and the meds come with their own problems, but it's better than it was. I'm at least functional enough to try to keep going with my life. That said, there is a HUGE difference between addiction & dependance on pain meds. My body is dependent on pain meds, everyone who takes them for a significant period of time will become dependent on them, but I am NOT addicted. This means that if I were to stop taking my meds suddenly, I would go through physiological withdrawl, but I have no want, no psychological craving for them (quite the opposite in fact). Only a very small fraction of the people taking & being prescribed pain meds for legit pain will become addicted. You may want to search through some of the older threads & read about this. There have been some pretty good discussions about it in the past. This is something that doctors (esp pain management physicians) understand well. You may want to consider voicing your fears to your doctor. I have & I still do and he respects that. I am still constantly looking for ways to get off of this stuff, but for now, I have accepted that this is the only thing that is going to help me keep going & I'm just going to have to deal with it.