I have question, I know that CP has shaped me and transformed me into who and what I am today, I know it is ever present in my life, and with it, comes fear and longing, and crying, and it is not just for the pain, but for the loss of my old self. But with that, does anyone else feel guilt? Like I do? Let me explain, as some of you might or might not know, I am in the process of getting a divorce, yesterday, my wife and I were doing some cleaning and working on the house to get it ready to put it up for sale. I did things I probably shouldn't have been doing, using a push broom and sweeping the floor of the garage, nothing super strainious, but more than enough to cause me pain and discomfort, I continued till I could no longer stand the pain, so I came in took a percocet and sat down, I sat down at the computer, and was even at this site! But I felt guility, I should be outside working, helping, I am the one that filed for this divorce, I am the one that should be making sure the house is ready to be sold. My wife came in, she saw me sitting, she didn't say any thing, she didn't have to, I have seen that look on her face a million times before. Things I should be able to do, I nolonger can! But I continue to try, and I continue to have more pain, and I feel guility about not being able to do the things I use to be albe to do. Heck our marriage, our relationship changed so much, after I went on disability, and not for the good either. I often wonder what role my CP and my disability has played in all this, way to much I am afraid, and I also feel great sense of guilt about that too! Right or wrong it seems for me, Guilt is also a part of CP just as fear is. But Guilt can gnaw at you, and undermines even ones most logical thinking. Guilt can destroy your self confidence, and build on your insecurities. It has me! And unlike with fear, Hope is of little value in fighting and controling it! I should be able to do this! ( But I can't, it causes pain, and I feel guility about it) It is my responsibilty! ( I know, but the pain, and I feel bad very very bad! ) Am I less of a man, if I can't? ( I am afraid of the answer, and I feel guilt) I know allot of my feelings of Guilt because of CP are not logical, just as allot of my fears, but they are still there. As I said CP shows no compassion, " it is what it is"!
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disability!
Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)
Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV