Thank-You for sharing your story, I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to write this and having all those memories flooding back up to the surface!
I can Identify with the way you started off your post! You asked:("I'm going to start with a question....what is forgiveness? Is forgiveness forgetting? Is forgiveness, remembering the situation without the emotional attachment? How do you really know when you have forgiven?")
You posed some very good questions!, And WOW what a very unfortunate and trying time you have had! Believe it or not you, like so many of us, really are blessed, and extremely lucky to have survived such an ordeal, and not be at least paralyzed! I know CP does not sound like being blessed, but there are things far worse! And you like most of us have expressed the feelings of guilt, betrayal, and bitterness!
At the end you said ("I hungered for FREEDOM of this emotional injustice that in my opinion was forced on me! In the end I realized it was my own fault, that if I had put myself 1st I newould have ver allowed any of this to have occured to me, did I forgive this situation? I think so, I no longer have a pit in my stomach, I will never forget though, I did confront my boss about all of the above, he cried with me because my leaving changed his practice forever, I was his right hand and dedicated to him and his patients. They loved me and I loved them. Most of all I forgave myself.")
I think like so many things in life when we boil them all down to the basics, we find our selfs to be our worst enemy, or at least we think so! I don't know if I fully believe that, any more! As you said ("that if I had put myself 1st I newould have ver allowed any of this to have occured to me,") but if you had, what would have happened to all they people that you had helped? All those long hours that you spent, and missed lunches? All that time that you put toward helping others instead of looking out for your self,? Wouldn't that all have been lost? More and more I am beginning to think that maybe things in life just happen! Maybe there is no one at fault!. I don't know I look at what happened to you, maybe it was just meant to be! Maybe you have bad genes for your spine, I don't know, maybe it could be allot of other things! But why does it have to be anything??, Why do we have to have something or someone to blame? I have been reading so many peoples stories and my own , and I am beginning to think, that maybe we are all trying to forgive some things that doesn't really require forgiveness! Maybe, there just doesn't have to be a reason, or a person, or what ever, for some of these bad things that happen to us!.
I wish you only the best and may peace be always with You!
I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on ful disalbility!
Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!)
Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV
Post Edited (White Beard) : 3/13/2009 9:34:36 AM (GMT-6)