Hi ALL of my WONDERFUL friends,
I'm going to start with a question....what is forgiveness? Is forgiveness forgetting? Is forgiveness, remembering the situation without the emotional attachment? How do you really know when you have forgiven? This is a topic that has been discussed with me many times. We decided that forgiveness means different things to different people and I have concluded for me its getting past the situation and moving forward without the old emotion, not necessarily stuffing it just starting fresh! Does that make sense?
My biggest lesson came from my job. I worked for my boss for 21 years....I LOVED my work. I was his assistant and back office supervisor for 5 years, it was at that time, he decided to pursue becoming a Homeopath. He was tired of giving meds to people and seeing more and more sick people with CHRONIC FATIGUE and aches and pains that could NOT be explained. After many months of attending classes, he came back from a Seminar where he learned of a device (this may sound hoakey but it truly isn't) that could measure energy in the body at specific acupuncture points on the fingers and toes with a Probe...there is a computer program with 10,000 different electrical frequency of different viruses, allergens and the likes). It had a meter that went from 0-100 with 50 being the balancing point, if the readings were there it was a healthy meridian, above 50 was inflamed, below 50 was degerative. Put it all together and we could finally figure what was going on in the body, based on the results, you could treat patients with the correct nutrients, remedies etc. Okay, so he did his regular family practice during the day and Alternative treatment at night, I worked with him because I have always believed there was a better way to health, and I wanted to LEARN. So, when he got too busy to keep this up he integrated this into his regular practice and asked me if I wanted to learn how to do the testing. I was definitely ready.
He sent me for training, I already understood the program just needed to learn how to use the probe. We helped thousands of people and had a waiting list that was 3 mos. long. People that were diagnosed with depression and chronic illness were getting better. I worked 12 hour days which in my opinion was not long enough, I worked through lunch if someone needed to get in...crazy huh. To make a long story short the ergonomics were not correct, eventually I started to develop neck pain, arm pain, spasms etc. I was going to our chiropractors who treated diffently then the traditional snack crackle pop chiro's, so I would get relief and then go back and undo it by working. In May of 2000, I woke up one day and the pain was unbearable, later that day I started hearing a grinding sound, then I felt like I couldn't hold my head up.....the pain was getting worse, my arms were going numb....test were ordered....in the middle of the MRI, I could not take laying down anymore, I was crying for help and the tech told me to please let her finish, that I had a bad problem and would probably need surgery, but if we stopped at that point they would only make me repeat it. I can only tell you I was frightened. Of course, you know already from previous posts that there were 2 ruptures in the neck. THe next day I went to a Prolotherapy Dr. who told me he could not help me that I needed surgery ASAP. The next day I went to a well known NS who said I needed emergency surgery (this was Thursday) but the 1st opening was Tuesday. I thought I was having a nightmare HONESTLY.....I had to get a collar so that I would not move my neck or I would be paralyzed...IMAGINE this I layed there for another 5 days, took 2 percocet every 2 hours, and it did not touch the pain.... I honestly don't remember much....on the day of surgery they called and said they would have to reschedule me to the next day....I told them calmly that if they did that I was going to kill myself because I truly could not take one more day of this. So off to the Hospital we went, I was 2nd on the surgical list....I was moaning from the pain so loud (I don't remember this) that the man ahead of me told the Dr. to take me 1st because he was not as bad as the person next door, he was my ANGEL. So up I went, after a 9 hour surgery, the Dr. told me that the 3rd disc was also ruptured and that it was far worse then the MRI showed. I didn't care I felt relief...thank you God! So 23 hours later (can you believe this) I went home....I had pain but nothing like I had lived for the last 9 days, I always say I was forgiven for ALL or any mortal sins I committed in my life during that time lol. Anyway, I thought I would be back to work in 6 weeks.....nope it was 5 mos. to part time and 8 mos to full time. Now began my life of chronic pain, lots of injections, cold laser treatments anything anyone mentioned I tried. I kept this up. treatment, work undo, treatments work undo.....3 years later I came out of this stupor when another spinal injury occured, I felt a horrible shock go up my spine and then I started to develop numbness in the legs. I went to one of my Dr's and said SHOULD I BE WORKING? He said probably not....WHAT?????????, I continued working and band aiding all of my problems, have paid lots of money to try and fix myself and now you say I shouldn't have been doing my job all along. That was it, I gave notice and filed a Workers comp case because the repetitive motion is what caused the initial ruptures. SMACK big door, I was told I could not file for the initial injury because you only have 1 year to file after a work injury! I could claim the recent injury but that was it. I'm telling you I must have been in the ozone for the last 3 years. I felt so STUPID, but then I got really pssed at my boss WHY didn't he file a claim for me when I was out recouping? They told me if he had, even though I went back to work, when the time came that I couldn't, it would have been an instant win for me. I was crushed, I felt betrayed, I was sad, mad everything bad and of course I was at that point in so much pain that I was bedridden. So now I've left my job, need lots of Medical treatments, I'm on Cobra which was $400 per month, cheap compared to today. I did file for SS right away, but as you know it takes months to find out. Okay whatever, I find out in December (I filed in June) I am approved for SSD...now I have to wait 24 mos. for Medicare, thank God I have Cobra for the next 12 mos. HALT wait the phone rings its my bosses wife, telling me they can't keep me on their insurance, wait a minute I'm paying for this, this is the law...nope their lawyer told them they could drop me. So here I am in the middle of EXPENSIVE treatment and now I have no Insurance.....heres where I am growing very bitter, angry, etc. etc. Not only did I give my life to my job now after 21 years they have deserted me, no WC, no Ins., no Income boy I was drowning in self pity and pain. I ended up settling my WC claim (for the newest injury) which gave me enough to pay all the medical bills. I was unable to get insurance due to the fusion, oh I could get insurance with a $1500 premium and a disclaimer on the neck. Hows that for 21 years.
I did tell my boss how I felt and then I stopped communication with him because everytime I saw him or spoke to him, it was like salt in the wound. I went to people who did Cranial sacral work and emotional healing everything I could read on forgiveness was my main goal in life. I knew I could lay there and be bitter or move on with my life....I hungered for FREEDOM of this emotional injustice that in my opinion was forced on me! In the end I realized it was my own fault, that if I had put myself 1st I would have never allowed any of this to have occured to me, did I forgive this situation? I think so, I no longer have a pit in my stomach, I will never forget though, I did confront my boss about all of the above, he cried with me because my leaving changed his practice forever, I was his right hand and dedicated to him and his patients. They loved me and I loved them. Most of all I forgave myself.
I apologize to all of you, I just let my mind control the key board, I have not read what I wrote, I hope it makes sense and I hope you know that reliving this is just another step in my healing.
Thanks for listening!