You bring up an excellent point, Sarrah. Being in pain all day, every day is exhausting. Both mentally & physically exhausting. Add on top of that the exhaustion from the chronic sleep deprivation which most of us suffer from as well, plus the physical disabilities that we compensate for. These things HAVE to be taking a tole on our bodies. They are certainly not helping us at all pain wise, and quite probably making things worse. It is a vicious cycle that we are trapped in.
Making an effort to hide our pain puts stress on us as well. No one wants to see someone else's problems, so we grin & bare it, pretending everything is okay when it's not. In fact something is quite horribly wrong. We are screaming inside. It's all that we can do to get through each hour, let alone each day or each week. Like Sarrah, normally, I constantly hover between a 7 & 8 1/2 during the day. Most days I put on a good enough face that people can hardly tell that something is wrong, at least those people who don't know me well. I pretend that everything is okay, I smile, but in reality I want to rip my eye out. I can barely think straight because of the pain.
This morning, one of my coworkers at my internship made a comment that I looked like a ghost. I have barely slept the last several nights because of severe pain, and I'm not helped at all by the fact that my meds, which had FINALLY been seeming to help minimally at best, are no longer helping at all. This morning I was around a 9, which is the upper limit of what I can handle without being sprawled out somewhere screaming, crying in pain, unable to move, or even think. Sometimes I can't even handle a 9. I've only been at a 10 three times before. I won't describe the horror of those situations, as everyone knows all too well, but I can say with confidence that I barely function, at best, with a 9.
I almost didn't get out of bed this morning, probably wouldn't have if it wasn't for a big meeting that I had. I was holding back tears from the pain. I couldn't think straight, see straight, and I was concerned about
driving. But all she noticed was the pale, ghostly color of my face. Sometimes I think I hide my pain too well. I end up agreeing to do things that I shouldn't because I try to deny my disabilities, and then I pay for it, badly. It is easier to deny the truth when every day, you go about
pretending that you are okay.
Keeping all of this bottled up inside of us is surely detrimental to our health, but no one cares to listen. People don't want to hear about
our problems as much as they don't want to see them. There are only very few people (at most 3, but generally only one or two) who I will confide in about
my pain. Not always. Only on those really bad days, when I just can't hold it inside anymore. But that doesn't bring much release, as I often feel like I am burdening the person, like they don't want to listen. Then I get upset & feel worse, because all I want is some support, someone to tell me that it okay & that I will get through it, and to maybe throw in a nice big hug, but often times, instead they get annoyed because they can't do anything about
my pain or my situation & they are sick of hearing about
it. Sometimes what is even worse is the silence. Dead silence. They don't even know how to respond. So I mostly just keep my mouth shut and internalize everything.
Post Edited (skeye) : 4/1/2009 11:23:25 PM (GMT-6)