Interesting word in the eyes of a chronic pain sufferer,
Whose hopes evaporated in a flash. In a second, just as much time it took for my doctors to say those dreaded words,
“There is NO more treatments at this time”, (in other words, this is IT!)
Oh yes lets not forget the -GOOD LUCK!
For a very long time Hope did not, could not exist I could not see a future, especially with me in it. My business, my family, my medicated broken body/ and mind forced me through the motion, time past, some how life went on. At this point in my life, Hope was just a four letter word.
As time went on, and life became harder and harder to justify, It might have had some thing to do with the amount of medication I was consuming, and at the end of the day; I still felt like crap.
I was loosing my ability to think straight, my decision making was compromised. You pretty much know how my mental state was. My physical situation was also deteriateing faster then I had time to adapt. Which I might add, I was a pro at.
Then to make things worst; I broke my right leg and was bed ridden for 5 months.
(I was self employed, trying to support a young family at the time)
My life crash and burn around me and there was nothing I could do. My independents was gone, my dignity was gone I felt I was a burden to everybody around me.
I was the one every body depended on, not the other way around.
I felt helpless, frustrated, and extremely angry. I wanted to be left alone, I disassociated my self form reality, and everybody around me, I gave up.
The day my life changed,
That day; I don’t recall anything special that happened. I remember being miserable like usual, not wanting anybody around me. My daughter on the other hand was/is, a very persistent individual, she insisted on talking to me and like usual got her way. As she came through the door, in to the room, were I was calling home, I saw her eyes, they were wide open, a smile from ear to ear. She was clutching a sheet of paper which she was so proud of, and insistent that I look at. It was her grade and most importantly the teachers comment on how well she did on this project. We worked on this project together; she told me that with out my help she would have never figured it out, so she felt that I deserved some of the credit. As we sat and talked I realized how much of an impact I had on her life as well as the rest of the family. Just being there was important, she my rat daughter gave me the kick in the realities I needed.
It was that glee, that smile from ear to ear that put hope back in to my life.
I learned; there is always Hope, sometimes you just got to look harder