My husband and I had a long talk last weekend. I have been meaning to write a post on it, but it has been a hectic week.
My husband, (although he has helped himself to my percocet at times) has been very sweet and loving since I have been dealing with all this pain. He kinda looked a little down in the dumps last Sat. and I asked him what was wrong. He said that he is worried about me. And he was upset because he said he can't make me happy anymore. He does alot of things for me to help me. He also said that he and the kids can't do or say anything lately to make me happy. I tried to explain to him that no, I am not happy. I am in pain every minute of every day. That when my feet hit the floor in the mornings, I know what kind of day I am going to have.The pain is either the same as the day before or worse, but NEVER better. I told him that there isn't anything that he or the kids can do to "make me happy" and I told him that I am sorry if my fuse is a little short these days. I am trying hard but I really can't help it. I don't mean to take it out on him or the kids.
He wasn't trying to put the attention on himself or put me on a quilt trip. He was just bringing something to my attention because, I did ask what was wrong. I have changed from the person I used to be before the pain became my constant companion. I used to be a fairly happy person. Things get on my nerves that didn't used to bother me at all. It is amazing all the ways this pain can change a person. But it is hard to be "happy" when you hurt.
I am so sick of hurting. I would give almost anything to just have a day without pain. I am in a bad mood all the time now. I want to be left alone most of the time. It is a struggle to make myself get up in the morning and go to work. I know what the day is going to be like. I am just on edge all the time. My nerves are shot. I love my children with all my heart, but sometimes even just the sound of their voice gets all under my skin. The sound of the tv even bothers me.
I don't cook anymore. I couldn't tell you the last meal I cooked. We eat alot of whatever. I can't stand long enough to cook a meal for my family, especially after being on my feet all day at work. I don't do much cleaning anymore. It drives me up the wall to look at what has happened to my once clean and tidy house. I have even gotten behind on bill paying. I keep saying I'll do it in a minute, which doen't come. We are behind on alot of bills right now. I don't know how much money is in the account, because I haven't done my checkbook in a while. I just know there isn't enough to pay everything. I know I am depressed. There is no doubt what so ever about that. And I know why.
I am having surgery -laminectomy in 11 days. I hope for the best. I don't know what the outcome will be. It is hard to have hope...but I am trying. My mom will be here with us. I am glad for that. I can't do so many things I used to be able to do. And I don't like asking people, even my family, to do things for me. That is going to be hard for me too.
I am just in a bad place emotionally. I am trying to keep it together. Yesterday I spent most of the day in the bed. I hurt so bad. I cried and slept. I take percocet,flexiril and elavil. It just doesn't help alot...
Sorry to ramble on so much. I just need to get all this out. Thank you for listening...