PAlady as usual I am humbled here for saying some word or putting some thought here that gives way for another to see light where once there was none ot little,inspiring? I think not so much as proviking you to rethink those thoughts of your own.
It wasnt alway this peaceful of a place for me,this life as a CPer, I have stood at so many crossroads that the names blurred and the need to run was great without direction,fear,the unkown, Oh I am sure.Many times I did just that!
My work was also who I am sadly to say it came sometimes before anything else in my life,kids,significant other,family time,the reunions I missed,the holidays I didnt make,the birthdays I came in late,it is so shameful and brings much remorse for me to ponder on. I regret the memories I never made in that way but I had this overwhelming need in me that I needed to be needed and my job fulfilled that for me,those were the times I found my peace in the hectic workforce of a paramedic running simply on adrenaline rushes of the moment.
I cant say where in this CP state I learned I am still that same person but that from it I had grown to be better more placid in my wants in and needs to be needed and chnaged how I interpreted those needs and their fulfillment but I did.
Maybe the losses? Maybe the loss of all that I was? I cant really say.
I certainly know that your at that place where you will make it as others I see here. Once you accept and try forming plans with the restrictions you hold,your journey to the end is not far. Like a dress that belonged on you before it is still the same dress after the alterations caused by your changing.like aging,or losing or gaining weight,those alterations are necessary for you to ever again wear that dress which you treasure.
My largest battles in this travel should not have been. My greatest anger and times of despair were of my own making. I got caughtup in the hows of raising 5 kids on one weeks pay a month,that was about what SSD was going to pay me versus my salary. I panicked, I raged, I walked near insanity out of fear I wouldnt be able to do it and losing just one of those kids even though it woouldnt have been thru death was well more then I could fathom after I had experienced already one loss.
Wgere do I get the money for shoes,clothes,the things that they were use to? The things all teenagers need to compete in an already peer pressure state? How do I live on as much money a month as I was use to spending each week at the grocery alone? They like me had already suffered so many losses in their short lives how could take away anything more from them? Just rethinking of those times and it how it felt to be that afraid,walking that close to insanity,makes me cringe and sick.
My support was all gone,my anchor in life,my parents,my husband and friend of life as we grew up together,my small child and their sister,gone without their being able to understand why they were losing everything they loved. I was going to fail them as well and fall of this edge and their loss would be far too great. My daughter of 15 attempted suicide that year and came way way too close for any comfort. I did not realize my standing on the edge was effecting them in great waves, Oh God it was much too much to bear even the thought of knowing my despair had become theirs as well.
I got mad, I got oh so angry! The rage inside of me that life or God or whomever was incharge here was NOT taking anything more from me! I would fight to the death for them for my kids for myself and the person I knew I was and always would be. At this time I was still foundering in the system for even the measly SSD, I was trying to raise those kids in the welfare system and subsidzed housing as we lost the home we owned early out in this game and I had very little equity in it.
I got up one day with so much I amger I didnt know I had it in me and well to say it scared even me is an understatement. I was like a tornado and I was determined to leave devastation behind when I was thru. I got on the phone the internet, I talked and ranted and I sought every ounce of informationI could soak up about everything that needed to be fixed in my life. Begining with I needed and deserved my SSD, I had worked and paid into that system, I had medical files and documentation that said I would NOT work again for a long long time if then.. I had been to 2 of their Docs and had not any idea what those reports said, I requested them and they said as well what my Docs were saying,then why was I still being denied? I hired a Attorney, I wrote my Congressman, I called the ALJ office on weekly basis to check on when I could expect a hearing date.they knew me by name,they would remember me.
I stopped waiting for help to arrive and went looking for it even though the asking was horrific for me,coming from parents that grew out of the depression and hammered into us that work ethic,take care of your own, I begged if called for I pleaded if it worked and stockpiled so much info I had to go to the goodwill to find a filling cabinet to hold it all. I have resources ontop of resources and I used them. I learned that knowledge was the ultimate power to hold. Knowledge of my health issues,medicaid,medicare,SSD,welfare,foodstamps,subsidized housing vouchers,where to go if we ran short of money or food,or couldnt pay the utility bills, and who would help if the car broke down,all of that info and all of those palces I didnt even know existed out there!
I learned that there was nothing that was too hard to ask for if it meant a difference in my kids lives and it wasnt.
I have fought back and won! You might say I learned to work the system. I didnt feel guilty over one thing I had asked for or how many times I had asked. I had given my virtually to helping others and this time I was the one needing help. I paid taxes out my rearend, I made good money, I gave to the blood bank,the United way, the March of dimes and the list goes on when I was in the place to give. I had paid my dues to this organization and it was time I got something back. I had to take care of my kids and there was nothing short of dying going to stop me.
Somewhere in there the anger gave way to something else and my life evened out,the turmoil boiled down and the years flew by,my kids became adults,and had kids of their own. There isnt a moment that I regret nor a time I dont know they appreciate and understand all that I did for them and how hard those days were. Has it made them better for it? I lkie to think so,they dont squander their money,they dont let time pass them by and they make memories with their kids and family. They are good responsible folks and they give of themselves for they know first hand they might have to ask someday for something in return.
This is our Motto and it belonged to my Mother, " Just do what is right and everything will be alright" It took me far too long after she left me to understand just how complex those few words were but I did and from what I see coming from here many of you will as well.
Peace to all of you and pain free days. When the crying is over and the grief of loss is no longer like a dagger,living returns sometimes without a sound. Our losses of all that we were are just as dramatic as death and we too will grieve for all that was and is no more within our reach or touch.