Posted 4/30/2009 10:00 AM (GMT -6)
Goodmorning friends,Yesterday as I was trying to post this my computer went crazy. I lost internet access. As you can see, everything is fine now. And you know what? I was almost in a panic. I needed to post. I needed to read posts. With everything going on in my corner of the world,it seems that being here with you all is about the only good thing I have going. I got on the phone first thing this morning with technical support. I feel likeI am "losing it".
My doctor called in Lortab 10 yesterday. It has acturally helped much better than the percocet did. It really dosen't make alot of sense to me knowing that it was stronger. I guess my body was just used to percocet and it stopped working for me. I have felt a little physically better and for that I am glad. But emotionally, I am a wreck.
Tuesday evening all...broke loose at my house. My husband and my mother had a HUGE fight-not physical ofcourse just lots of screaming from both of them. My mom was livid and furious. I actually stood between them. I tried to break it up and get them both to calm down so we could talk things out like grown ups should. Husband seemed better when he got up that morning. He didn't work due to the guy he works with,his father was in the hosp. This is true. I checked it out. He picked up the kids,came home and was cleaning the house before starting to cook. I went to my room to rest and try to sleep a little after hugs and kisses with the kids. He threw away what he thought was a water bottle with the little packets you add and mix up-like I drink. However, it was my moms' with liquor she puts in her coffee. She lit into him. I heard it.And he went into my room and said I was going to have to do something about my mother. Then she flings my door open and it was on. He says she started it. She says he started it. I don't know who started it. All I know is it all happened so fast and got way out of control. She told him just what she thought. She told him how sorry and lowdown he is, I can't even remember what all was said now. My memory is mush right now. She got right in his face and let it all out. She was screaming. He was screaming. It was all bad. My mom left my house. My niece came and picked her up and she spent that night with her. My sister picked her up yesterday and she spent last night with her. She is going back to TN today. Her husband(my stepdad) is coming to pick her up.
Yesterday I was home alone for the first time since my surgery and it was a long miserable day. I spent the day mostly crying. This has completely and totally devastated me. My mom is my best friend. We are so close. I spoke with her only a few minutes last night and I could feel the distance between us. And is broke my heart into.
My children were here ofcourse when all this took place. I don't really think my 4 y/o daughter heard it. But is upset my son,badly. We just don't scream and holler here. After my mom left,I sat down with my son and we talked. He said "MiMi said it is all his(my husband's) fault. And asked who's fault was it? I told him that I really didn't know. I said that I feel it was both of their fault because when two adults act that way then it makes it both of their fault.
My mom loves me. I know this. And she has been here. She was upset about the situation. I completely understand that. She is angry,livid and just couldn't hold it in any longer. I know she hasn't ever really liked him and I understand why. I do respect that. My feelings about him aren't great either. We discussed all this at great length while she was here. She knows where I stand on it. When I recover if he doesn't do all the things he is suposed to do,then he will leave. I am prepared to make that decision if need be. And I will. I know I will not live the rest of my life like this. I am not allowing him to do these things. I am not turning my head the other way. There is nothing right about it from any stand point. But right now, I am going to have to wait until I recover and get back on my feet again. I can't drive the children to school/daycare and do all the things by myself. And there isn't anyone else who will.
Husband is doing right,for however long, I don't know. He is working and getting up right. He has been cleaning and cooking. He has been taking care of the children. He is sleeping at night. And he has been good to me since mom left. He has washed my hair and shaved my legs,even given me a washcloth bath-I can't bend over to get my lower legs ofcourse.And he is bringing me things and doing the things I ask of him. As of now, he is doing right. I realize that I shouldn't have to wonder how long this will last. It isn't a good feeling for me. My and my son's meds are safe.
All this extra stress is too much for me. I can't stand it. My mind will not let me rest. I am having muscle spasms all over my body. I have noticed that my buttocks are even constantly clinched. I can't relax them. It actually hurts. It doesn't matter if I am sitting,standing or lying. That won't stop. I hope that makes sense. I try to calm down and get control of myself. I just can't. I know this isn't good for me right now. I need to focus on feeling better and allowing my body to heal. I just simply can't. It's easier said than done.
I have my follow up appt. for tomorrow at 10:30. I haven't arranged for someone to take me,yet. Husband said he would, but he needs to work. I will call my aunt today. I am sure she will. I just hate to ask her because she has done so much for me already. She was with me the entire time at the hosp.
I know that again this was a long post. I needed to vent. I am so glad my computer is back up. I have missed you all. I wish you a good day with low pain levels.