Posted 5/2/2009 5:49 PM (GMT -6)
Thanks for your responses.
PALady...I'm not offended at all that you mentioned adoption because your comment was made with sensitivity and caring intent. I am touched that you reached out and shared the fact that you are adopted just to possibly help me..when you don't even know me. Thank you very much.
I've def. considered adoption as an option. But I would be lying if I said I don't want to try for at least one biological child. It may be that I try to have one child biologically and adopt a second child but I'm not sure. I have friends who are going through the process of adopting a child (am sooo excited for them!!) but it is costing about $20,000. Is this pretty normal, in your experience?
What really, really helped me deal with the idea of having a baby myself was when I met with this amazing high risk maternal/fetal specialist (about 2 months ago). After 1.5 hours of discussion, he said to me "nothing about your situation and nothing you have told me here today would lead me to tell you that you should not be pregnant." He then went on to say "Unfortunately, for some women, I'm not always able to say that."
Hearing that was really big for me and my anxiety/feelings of guilt. I really want to experience pregnancy and I really want to have a biological child but, at the end of the day, the most important thing to me is just being a mother. However, the fact that my doctor said that, unsolicited, has made me feel that it's ok to go forward with this.
So my plan is to come off of the morphine and try to wean down to the lowest dose I can with the methadone. Right now, I'm on 90 mgs a day but I think I could do 60 mgs if I had weekly massage, did water aerobics and yoga and got a lot of bed-rest and good sleep. Then for the 3rd trimester, I will be able to turn my stimulator back on and that will help. I'm not sure I could do lower than 60 mgs of methadone though.
The good thing is, my husband and I are planning everything out and are doing our homework. I wanted to make sure I figured out who my doctor would be ahead of time and I wanted to know the exact protocol for the stimulator and also which meds. I absolutely couldn't take (zanaflex..my muscle relaxant is really bad for fetal development so I already stopped taking that one). And then I also got prenatal vitamins to start taking and I am working on my nutrition and water intake, etc. I'm trying to be very smart and careful about everything else to maximize our chances of a healthy baby.
Sandi- I really appreciate your advice. I'm sure I will always feel guilty..just like you have. My question is...what did you tell your son? Or what will you tell him? Did you share with him the reason he was in the NICU? That's one thing I worry about. I project way way down the road talking about that with my kids and having them repeat it in a way that makes it seem like they had to be in the NICU because I was a drug-user. I know this is ridiculous to worry about since I'm not even pregnant but...I've lived with chronic pain since I was 16 and have had too much time to dream up all sorts of worries. ;) I'm also thrilled to read that your pregnancy hormones helped with your pain. I've heard about that from others. If I am blessed with a pregnancy, I will be praying so hard that the same will happen with me!
Anyway, thanks again for your support. I really appreciate it.