Breaking Point

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New Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/10/2009 4:06 AM (GMT -6)   
I almost feel stupid posting this, especially since I can see there are so many like me out there.

I'm new here, I found this place with my search for help, just someone to talk to, someone who could maybe tell me things just might get better.

I've hit my breaking point. I've been SO STRONG until now.

I began as a young, unwed teenage mother, lets skip the multiple abusive relationships and get right to the birth of my second child, my beautiful daughter.
I knew I had to do things differently to ensure my 2 kids grew up they way they deserved to, so I strengthened myself. I became independent, I never again allowed another man to make me feel lower than I actually was, I never let another man lay a hand on me. That is, until recently.

I worked hard, went to school and cared for my children and I was doing an excellent job.

The first time it happened, it came out of nowhere, I just collapsed, at age 21, as I was walking down the hall. Several visits to the ER and I just wound up with a high-dose shot of something in my rear just to shut me up and cause me to pass out until I could hobble on out on my own. I was young, so many docs thought I was just in it for the drugs, but I was only trying to figure out why I was having these extremely painful, crippling episodes.

There was one doctor, an older woman, with no teeth, a terribly old cotton dress, who couldn't even stand up straight herself tell me that my problem was that I did not use my stomach muscles, if I did some crunches, take ibuprofen, I'll be fine. Ahem . . . I was a dancer . . . Modern, Jazz, Ballet, I rode horses and played soccer all my life. I was a 5'6" 36-24-36 knockout beauty. I was a yoga and kickboxing instructor for Pete's sake! I KNEW it had nothing to do with my stomach muscles.

Skip ahead again 4 years later when I finally get a doctor to see past my looks and my age and hallelujah! I got a referral for a CT scan, then another, then MRI's and was finally sent to a specialist, only to find out that I have degenerative disc disease, and severe arthritis in my spine.

What can be done? Bunch of different things, I did it all except for the major surgery, I can't afford that.

So now skip ahead a few more years and now I'm not so independent. I've been taken off work, I don't qualify for State disability because my previous work did not pay into it and I was told that because of my age, unless I have the "big surgery," I'll be denied that too.

So now, here I am, addicted to main meds, still raising my 2 beautiful, smart, incredible children who are now 9 and 7, but I have had to become fully dependent on a man. A man who takes care of us, who was so kind in the beginning. I wasn't looking, he came to me. He works hard and from what I can tell, he is honest.

He says he enjoys being with me, he loves me, yet, he reminds me every day how worthless I am and the fact that without him, I'm out on the streets with nothing. So now this once strong, unbreakable beauty is now fat, useless, sad and shattered to pieces. I don't even have the strength / ability to put away a load of dishes, but I do make sure that every evening, we have a nice, home cooked meal. Some days I can't walk or even get out of bed. I'm caught up with about 20 different tv series. I make as much money as I can working online, but it's sad . . . pennies. I get food stamps. I have all the help I can get unless the kids dads pay child support. I have looked into all my options financially. I have nothing.

My life is spent on the couch that he bought for me, with my laptop that he gave me as a birthday gift (but he takes it away when he's mad.) I have nothing of my own. I have no way to get out. I have my children who I dare not uproot again. They have a great life, he is great with them for the most part, except that they see the way he treats me. I would hate for them to think it's ok. I don't have family who understands or could take us in.

Today is our anniversary. It should be a tender, loving, happy day for us. Instead I was reminded again of how I am nothing without him, I was nothing when he met me and I will always be nothing. I'm fat, I'm stupid, nobody would ever want me. It's awful. I have nobody to talk to. Nobody understands. Nobody understands the pain I'm in constantly, or the effects all these pills have on my mood, my digestion, my overall function. I'm 28 years old and my life has been over now, for several years. I no longer can see the silver lining, I no longer think that maybe one day I can be happy again. I have to push all that aside because the second my kids wake up, it all starts over again. I have to be strong for them, I have to. They don't understand, either. I think they don't like me much because I can;t give them everything they want, but they do have a nice home, food, their own rooms, plenty of toys. It's great for them here. They don't see the pain beneath the surface, I can't let them see it. They wouldn't understand.

I'm only loking for a little support. I really need someone-anyone to hear me. I may never do this again, time to bury it all again.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 5/10/2009 5:20 AM (GMT -6)   

Notsofoxy, first let me welcome you to this forum. From what you have written, you are at the right place. We come to this forum to encourage, listen, advise, cry with each other and offer the stability of a caring realtionship as we know what the cost of pain is and what it has done to us. Your name, notsofoxy sounds like you are reinforcing what the man in your life tells you but may not be true. For some of us, the pain has robbed us of the emotional and physical strength and self worth that we used to rely on, but that does not mean we are fat, useless and stupid. Pain is real and so are the effects.

You have addressed many issues in your post and I won't try to address them all. You will be hearing from others who will extend to you the listening ear that you crave. Someone who will listen and not judge, critisize or demean you in any way. From what you have said, you sound like a wonderful mother who is trying to do all you can for your two children and yourself. Without making a judgement against your husband, I don't believe anyone has the right to say those kind of things about another especially if they are married and supposedly commited to each other. It sounds like he may have as many or more issues that need to be dealt with than you.

From personal experience, degenerative disc disease and arthritis don't get better all by themselves. Many of us on thei forum, myself included have had 1 or more of those big surgeries and it wasn't the cure that we hoped it would be. Instead we live our lives and look for ways to manage the pain and readjust our lives as the effects of pain require. One place you can start is by not believing what he says about you, for yourself and your children. It sounds like you are in a difficult spot but there are options and they are worth looking into. You have to weigh the presence of material things with the healthy atmosphere of a loving home. It sounds like the two of you should, could and would benefit from counseling but unfortuanely, sometimes people who display attitudes like your husband are not overly open to such avenues of help.

The other issue I would like to addresss is the difference btween addicted to medication or dependent on them. there is a big difference. Dependent to them to be able to function in even the smallest way extremely different from being addicted. I run a drug and alcohol recovery services program and there is a major difference. I want to encourage you to stay connected here and just listen to how some of us work through some of the same issues you are speaking of. You will find more caring people here than you thought was possible.



Pete trips again!
Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 5/10/2009 6:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Please concider changing your forum name, I'm sure you don't deserve it and it sounds degrating, From what you have written, you sound like a wonderful person and Mom and I doubt you resemble the name at all! I would like to welcome you to our family although I'm truly sorry for the reasons you are here. You have stumbled across a wonderful loving, carring owasis in a desert of missery and pain. Please stay with us as I'm sure you will find compassion and support from others here who are just like you! The only thing that worries me is that this guy who is your boyfriend or husband, you didn't say, may find what you are writing about him in your laptop since you mentioned "he takes it away from you when he's mad." I would hate to thing that we might make things worse for you if he's the type of person who would search through your personal things!!!!
As for trying to help you with your problems, we are not doctors or shrinks here although FatherSaintJohn is highly experianced in helping others as he mentioned his work. He is a tough act to follow as he is probably the most respected and knowagable person we have here! He's my HERO! But we do offer advice from our experiances with our issues with cp and all that goes along with it. Nothing much seems to be offbase as far as what you write about as long as it does not include illegal activities such as street drugs or using them. I suggest you read over the forum rules if you haven't already but our wonderful Moderators will let us know when we cross the line.
I'm so sorry to hear about your back problems and all the pain and suffering they are bringing you. There are so many here with the same problem. I am one of them with DDD, ruptured disks and stenosis in my lumbar spine along with some sort of cyst which I found out about just recently. I have a multitude of other health issues which were mostly caused by my own stupitity when I was young. I've been taking prescription pain meds for around 20 years or more and urge you to pay attention to what FJ told you. There is a GIANT difference between people who use these meds for what they were intended and those who just abuse them to get high!!!!!!! I take thyroid meds because I lost my thyroid to cancer about 10 years ago and I also get testosterone shots monthly because my prostate cancer surgery caused my body to stop producing it. These are meds I take because there is a physical reason just like my constant pain forces me to take narcotic pain pills because without them, I could not work, walk, drive or live my life as normally as I possibly can. To me, there is no difference between any of these meds, without them I wouldn't be as close to the person I used to be before all of these health issues! Geese, I hope that made sence, I'm not as good as many others here at getting my feeling across cyberspace! But the only difference in any of these drugs I take is the labels society puts on them! Unfotunately to many, anyone who takes nacotics is a DRUG ADDICT! Thats SO wrong and untill the public realizes we take them for a very good reason, we are always going to have this steriotype. It's always a big subject around here as you will find out. I wish there was more I could do for you now NSF but we will need to get to know you a little more. Others will chime in shortly I'm sure. For now I'll leave you with a Big HWCP CYBERHUG and let you know I will say a prayer for you and your children that things will get better soon.
Your New Freind,
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections once a month. 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, one on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis in port in Singapor and the other on a Gator Freighter USS Bataan stationed in Norfolk, Va. to be deployed to the Middle East in early May. I am one very proud (what they call me)> Big Pops! 

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 109
   Posted 5/10/2009 6:59 AM (GMT -6)   

NSF, Welcome to HW. I aggree with the name change.

My first suggestion to you is to find a counselor you need to redefine whom you are and find a way to rebuild your self esteem sweety. Let NO man convince you that you are worthless ever! You are a Mother of 2 wonderful children and your there fighting for them to have a lfe and that in itself maked you something.

All of us here have pain issues and all of us here have traveled roads we never thought we would have to and many of us have made it and many more will.

You need some support in your life and someone to help you along to get out the rut you have found yourself in. Better pain management can and does make all the difference in our lives and it isnt always easy to find. You didnt say I dont think what kind of meds your taking nor if those are being prescribed regularly by your Doc and its ok if they are not but they need to be adjusted or changed and good PM can change the way you function and allow you to have a more normal life and after that all else is alittle easier to deal with.

I urge you find a good therapist soon and every city has a state funded program based on your ability or lack of to pay. If you have a Comprehensive care in your city call them and if not call a local psych Doc in the book and ask whomever answers where you can go.

You will feel so much freer to help yourself when you can stop beratting yourself for something you have no control over.

Good luck to you.

White Beard
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3696
   Posted 5/10/2009 1:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the forum, I must say it sound like you have had quite a time of it. Your post some what confuses me. So I will just come out an ask you. I do not want to know what your husband or boyfriend or who ever he is, thinks of you! I want to know what do you think about your self? What do you think of you? Do you think you are a good person? Why do you be little yourself? From your post you obviously don't like to hear it from your mate!

NotSoFoxy we are all worth while human beings, and you are worth just as much as your mate is, and anyone and everyone else! So Please quit putting your self down! I often wonder when people do that, if they really feel that way about themselves, or are they just trying to get others to feel sorry for them???? It does sound like you have made some mistakes in your life! Well ........Welcome to the crowd! Who hasn't made some mistakes in their lives? I am sure I have made more than my share! It is what you do with the knowledge that you get from making the mistakes, that is what's important! It does sound like you need to get into counseling and get some help with your problems! It is pretty obvious that you are not happy with your situation, but only you can change it! I can help, by giving you advice, and suggestions, and support, just like all the rest here at the forum, But only YOU can make it happen! You are the master of your fate! You are NOT who your mate says you are! YOU are who you say YOU are! If you are not who, or what you want to be, then it is up to you to do something about it! Seek out help, you found us, get on your computer and look for a therapist that you can see in your area.

You said: " he reminds me every day how worthless I am and the fact that without him, I'm out on the streets with nothing. So now this once strong, unbreakable beauty is now fat, useless, sad and shattered to pieces. I don't even have the strength / ability to put away a load of dishes, but I do make sure that every evening, we have a nice, home cooked meal. Some days I can't walk or even get out of bed. I'm caught up with about 20 different tv series. I make as much money as I can working online, but it's sad . . . pennies. I get food stamps. I have all the help I can get unless the kids dads pay child support. I have looked into all my options financially. I have nothing"

I don't know what to say about this part of your post, in one way I feel very sorry for you, and I do wish so very much I could help you, but you sound like you have given up and resigned yourself to this way of life, is that true? It really doesn't have to be this way, but only you can change it! It sounds like you have gotten yourself into a situation that your not happy with and your mate sounds like he has problems too! There are other options, shelters, and programs, seek them out and find them! I understand Chronic Pain and I know what it can do to you, but you really need to get it under control! Do you go to a Pain Clinic or a Pain Specialist? or a regular family Doctor? Is there a free clinic in your area?

There are just so many questions that I have from your post! All I can say is that your are still very very young, so Please don't let your life spiral out of control, and don't let your mate put you down like that, I think that is his way of controlling you and manipulating you. You said you were once strong and independent! You can be that way once again, but it is up to you to do that! Get yourself some help, a therapist and counseling and a Doctor to get your pain under control would be a good start! Only you can do this, but we can and will give you support along the way!
I do wish you only the best! Happy Mothers Day!
Good Luck to You!

White Beard
  I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 5/10/2009 4:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I also want to welcome you to the CP forum. I'm so glad you found us. You have been given some great advice, and honestly I don't think there's anything for me to add at this point except to agree with White Beard - don't give up.

Sometimes it feels like we have no options. I know that feeling, although my situation is very different from yours. But I'm trying to fight that and the first battlefield is in my own head. So at the very least you can begin to wrestle with your own inner demons that might believe what this man is telling you, or causing you to question the stronger part of yourself that knows better. Because your body has changed so much (I understand that part, although I was never as fit as you were!) doesn't mean YOU have as a person. The fact you're still in the fight, reaching out to us, is proof of that. But I know I want to go back to an old reality and that's not possible. It doesn't mean we don't have a future, and if I hadn't found the people here on this forum I'd never have the courage to face as pure of an unknown as ever as been put in front of me.

You've faced a lot already. Don't let this man define you. Fight that in your mind.

I do wonder, though, about Pete's point. If your husband could find these posts. Is there a way to password your entry to your computer - at least to this location - so he can't access it? Maybe another member to tech savy can help with that one.

Again, welcome. And I hope you stay with us.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 5/10/2009 4:57 PM (GMT -6)   
NSF, I hope you are able to access these posts without interference. Please let us know how things are going. As I was thinking through things today, I felt that would be important to acknowledge that you must have seen something good in you Husband/boyfriend and that even with the issues there must have been some very good points about him that attracted you to him. It is possible that he is dealing with issues that we are not aware of that could cause him to respond the way he is. It does not excuse his words but I can't believe he is all bad either. That is why counseling would be important. I am just trying to help you find hope and options. You have so much life ahead of you and your children need a mother who can help them find purpose and direction as well. We have all had to search at times to find the strength to keep pushing through. So much of the advise so far is about your relationship and not your CP. The relationship will effect your CP but you still need to find a way to deal with that as well. I hope your day went better, please let us know.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 5/11/2009 8:15 AM (GMT -6)   

NotSoFoxy, Please do not refer to yourself that way first of all... You are better than that.  I do not have the wonderful words of wisdom that you have already received.  I cannot give alot of extra advice than to that of which you have already been given. I will simply add a few things.

Your testimony touched me deeply. I wish that I could be there to offer you a hug and my shoulder. I do believe that you have come to the right place for support,friendship,acceptance,understanding and compassion.  This is a wonderful group of people, you will soon find that out.

You stated that you have been in several abusive relationships. And also that you became independent and never allowed another man to make you feel less that what you were. And that you never allowed another man to put his hands on you again, until now.  Don't you see... You have the inner strength that you need to do all those things yet again.  That is how you were able to do it before. I feel that you became strong then. You can do it again. You simply have to believe in yourself again and find that inner strength to pull yourself back up.  He has brainwashed you my dear, into thinking that you are all those things he says you are. And after hearing it for so long, it has become real to you.  He is also using your children to hurt you so deeply-by buying the toys,etc. that he knows you can't do right now. You and your children deserve so much more than the life he has given you. He wants you weak and dependent upon him most likely because he fears you will find someone else.

I hope that you won't allow this abuse to continue. I know it is much easier said than done. Taking the necessary action is the hard part. But that is where you will draw deep within yourself and find that spunk that you once had and go forward with your life for you and for your children.Regardless on what you decide, you will have support and acceptance here. Please feel free to post whenever you feel like it. You will not be judged or abused by anyone here on this forum.

I am sorry that you have so much on you. I am sorry about your physical condition that brought you here. And I agree with what was already said that you are not addicted to the meds you take. You need them to function in life and to help ease some of your pain. There is a big difference.

You hang in there and never allow anyone to make you lose your self-worth. You are a great person, and a loving mother. You ARE way more that what he wants you to believe you are. Always remember that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck to you. I wish you the best. 



Post Edited (anice) : 5/11/2009 7:18:50 AM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3089
   Posted 5/11/2009 8:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Foxy,

I don't have too much to add, to what has been said, but I also want to welcome you to HW! I too am sorry that you have to join us because of pain & sorry to hear about your issues. But, you have found a really great, really supportive group of people. I don't know if there are any support groups in your area for either CP or subjects of domestic violence, but that would be another place to turn for support and advice. One thing about CP is that it is highly personal. Even if you have the most supportive family or spouse out there, they are not likely to understand what you go through every day, and how your pain affects you on so many different levels. That is why this is such a great place to come, because even though we all have different types of pain, we all have pain. We know pain and we know how destructive it can be to our lives. If anyone is to understand, it will be your fellow CPers. Welcome aboard.


Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 536
   Posted 5/11/2009 11:55 PM (GMT -6)   
NotsoFoxy, I am getting real concerned about you. I hope that you are okay. I hope that you come back here and let us know how you are.I can't help but wonder if your husband/boyfriend found out that you posted here and took your computer away from you.I am sure there is a safe way for you to be able to do that without him knowing. I do know that by the google there is an arrow that points down. You can click on that and it shows where you have searched. You can also delete this each time you come here. I do that too, incase my husband found out since many of my posts have been about him,too. Please take care of yourself and come back here as often as you can. I will continue to think about you and keep you in my prayers.
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