Posted 5/10/2009 2:06 AM (GMT -7)
I almost feel stupid posting this, especially since I can see there are so many like me out there.
I'm new here, I found this place with my search for help, just someone to talk to, someone who could maybe tell me things just might get better.
I've hit my breaking point. I've been SO STRONG until now.
I began as a young, unwed teenage mother, lets skip the multiple abusive relationships and get right to the birth of my second child, my beautiful daughter.
I knew I had to do things differently to ensure my 2 kids grew up they way they deserved to, so I strengthened myself. I became independent, I never again allowed another man to make me feel lower than I actually was, I never let another man lay a hand on me. That is, until recently.
I worked hard, went to school and cared for my children and I was doing an excellent job.
The first time it happened, it came out of nowhere, I just collapsed, at age 21, as I was walking down the hall. Several visits to the ER and I just wound up with a high-dose shot of something in my rear just to shut me up and cause me to pass out until I could hobble on out on my own. I was young, so many docs thought I was just in it for the drugs, but I was only trying to figure out why I was having these extremely painful, crippling episodes.
There was one doctor, an older woman, with no teeth, a terribly old cotton dress, who couldn't even stand up straight herself tell me that my problem was that I did not use my stomach muscles, if I did some crunches, take ibuprofen, I'll be fine. Ahem . . . I was a dancer . . . Modern, Jazz, Ballet, I rode horses and played soccer all my life. I was a 5'6" 36-24-36 knockout beauty. I was a yoga and kickboxing instructor for Pete's sake! I KNEW it had nothing to do with my stomach muscles.
Skip ahead again 4 years later when I finally get a doctor to see past my looks and my age and hallelujah! I got a referral for a CT scan, then another, then MRI's and was finally sent to a specialist, only to find out that I have degenerative disc disease, and severe arthritis in my spine.
What can be done? Bunch of different things, I did it all except for the major surgery, I can't afford that.
So now skip ahead a few more years and now I'm not so independent. I've been taken off work, I don't qualify for State disability because my previous work did not pay into it and I was told that because of my age, unless I have the "big surgery," I'll be denied that too.
So now, here I am, addicted to main meds, still raising my 2 beautiful, smart, incredible children who are now 9 and 7, but I have had to become fully dependent on a man. A man who takes care of us, who was so kind in the beginning. I wasn't looking, he came to me. He works hard and from what I can tell, he is honest.
He says he enjoys being with me, he loves me, yet, he reminds me every day how worthless I am and the fact that without him, I'm out on the streets with nothing. So now this once strong, unbreakable beauty is now fat, useless, sad and shattered to pieces. I don't even have the strength / ability to put away a load of dishes, but I do make sure that every evening, we have a nice, home cooked meal. Some days I can't walk or even get out of bed. I'm caught up with about 20 different tv series. I make as much money as I can working online, but it's sad . . . pennies. I get food stamps. I have all the help I can get unless the kids dads pay child support. I have looked into all my options financially. I have nothing.
My life is spent on the couch that he bought for me, with my laptop that he gave me as a birthday gift (but he takes it away when he's mad.) I have nothing of my own. I have no way to get out. I have my children who I dare not uproot again. They have a great life, he is great with them for the most part, except that they see the way he treats me. I would hate for them to think it's ok. I don't have family who understands or could take us in.
Today is our anniversary. It should be a tender, loving, happy day for us. Instead I was reminded again of how I am nothing without him, I was nothing when he met me and I will always be nothing. I'm fat, I'm stupid, nobody would ever want me. It's awful. I have nobody to talk to. Nobody understands. Nobody understands the pain I'm in constantly, or the effects all these pills have on my mood, my digestion, my overall function. I'm 28 years old and my life has been over now, for several years. I no longer can see the silver lining, I no longer think that maybe one day I can be happy again. I have to push all that aside because the second my kids wake up, it all starts over again. I have to be strong for them, I have to. They don't understand, either. I think they don't like me much because I can;t give them everything they want, but they do have a nice home, food, their own rooms, plenty of toys. It's great for them here. They don't see the pain beneath the surface, I can't let them see it. They wouldn't understand.
I'm only loking for a little support. I really need someone-anyone to hear me. I may never do this again, time to bury it all again.