I have been reading all the recent posts and have a lot of tears. I am falling apart and don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to but this forum. I have taken myself off the amitripline. It was helping me sleep, but I couldn't function or think. My abdomen got so bloated with gas and air, I was short of breath. Now the depression is approaching me again. My body controls me and I think I should "throw in the towel". These last five years of my life have been in such turmoil. The neurontin I have been taking just makes me tired and doesn't help the pain.
This is the true story of my last five years. After my back fusion in 2005, I couldn't think straight or sleep. I went to a pyschiatrist and he gave me Xanax, it didn't really work. He increased the dose to 4mg. I was thinking, but I took it for awhile. My job was going ok but I was depressed and they knew something was wrong. I went to bed one night, the next morning my husband found me barely breathing and called 911. I was put on the vent for 24 hours because of my low blood pressure. I was sent home the next day and 6 weeks later, I was fired from my job. My world fell apart. I became confused and started to pull my hair out and itch like crazy. After a couple visits to the ER, I was admitted to the Pysch ward. the doctors thought I was crazy, had a stroke or even alzeimers disease at 36 years old. My neurologist took one look at me and said this is medical not a pysch issue. They poked and proded doing every test in the book. They finally found a lesion on my brain, treated me with anitbiotics and sent me home. After I went home, the marriage was rocky and my family thought I was addicted to drugs, they still think I am crazy. I got a job again after 6 months(my PCP thought I should volunteer and my neurologist said I could get a job) I never went thru withdrawal at the hospital, but never did anyone set up counseling after the hospitalization.
In 2006, my legs started to hurt, then the MRI showed a herniated disc at T10, I had surgery in 2007, had car accident 6weeks later, had more surgery 2008. It helped but the pain was still there. I am rambling and you probably read this before. I went to my first PMS, and when he found out my history he said "We need to get you off these narcotics" He wanted to do injections but I have DDD and I felt threatened, my neurosurgeon called me and apologized. I had my PCP prescribe the Vicodin but she has always looked at me like an addict. I then called my neurologist for anothe pain MD. He referred me to a lady 1 hour away. I went there and she wanted all my records. I got paranoid, scared and thought she wouldn't treat me. I screwed up and ran out of meds 3 days before my refill and went to see her after reading the pysch paperwork and BAM, she put me on a Clonidine patch for withdrawal. She then ordered a back brace and tens unit and was going to inject my L4 fusion site. that is not even where my back hurts.
I went to my PCP and asked her for the Neurontin and Amitripline and she gave it to me and told me I don't do well with narcotics. i ran out 3 days short and that was because bill collectors were calling and wanted money. I had so much guilt, pain and depression, I started to work so much overtime I just did my job and tried to live with all the pain I had. I had no support and no one to talk to. I even told the PMS that I was working to pay the bills, couldn't see the neurologist because of the bill.
Now I have to go to a new doctor next week, am paranoid scared, don't know what to say. I am falling apart. I am even afraid sometimes to post on this forum, because the insurance company will get into my computer. I am going to get the help I need, but I am deathly afraid it is going to take some time. I put that hospitalization out of my head and tried to put it behind me. Now that my pain has gotten worse and my neurosurgeon has told me I have CP, it has hit me hard. I wasn't addicted to the narcotics. I have been labeled that I had an accidental overdose but now that I screwed up with the last PMS I dont know what to do.
I know that my marriage probalby will be over when I become disabled and that scares me. I ahve my beautiful children. I needed to vent while I am sitting here alone. Please dont judge me. I cried for a month after that doctor dug up my demons of the past. My neurologist knows I am trying to deal with it, but it is hard sometimes, she knows I need to take something for the pain but she won't prescribe narcotics.
Last but least, I have agonizing pain from a root canal from last Tuesday and now my jaw hurts like hell, cheek is swollen, out of pain meds and dont have next appt till thurs. too scared to go to the ER, but will call dentist in the morning.
This is the whole story.