Sorry it has taken me a few days to get back here to let you all know again how I value each of the inputs and thoughts as here. Believe me Ii am taking something from each of you and using it to help me make this the best I can for Kadan.
He is unfortunately still in NICU. My Son and his Mother were suppose to report to the hospital on Sunday evening to stay via a private room set up for them and Kadan off of the Nicu so the staff could make sure they knew how to care for him once they released him,give him his meds,and basic care since he has spent the entire 3 weeks and one day of his life being taken care of by nurses with the exception of those 30 minutes around the clock every 3 hours.
It didnt happen. On Sunday morning after they cut his doses of morphine and pheno-barb he again became agitated,not sleeping comfortably,throwing up his formula,just really really restless so again they had to score him to high to leave the hospital.
I feels so guilty as I actually felt an overwhelming relief that he couldnt leave. It is so scary and I feel so helpless to change anything. I know he should be with his Mother and out of there being nurtured like any normal baby at that age but yet I am scared to death. They had to go on Saturday to the pharmacy and fill his morphine and P.B. that he would be on at home and I kept thinking from a medical prof. view how crazy this was,how little amount over the dose would render him unconscious,stop his breathing,just like that and how irresponsible his Mother is,how zonked out of her head she is most days. I have first hand experience from her and my sons past that she isnt and cannot reason,she doesnt comprehend and process info as rational. She could make a mistake that might cost Kadan the ultimate.
I may be over reacting here and I am sure I am, I buried a child younger then Kadan and I know what kind of mind altering life changing pain that would cause my Son and I,not to mention the rest of this family. I too am a Mother and my kids have and always will come first in my life and my instincts are trying to protect my son and at the same time be fair to her.
I have completey overturned my life to make sure I am here and my son is near his son. We lived more then 60 miles from the hospital,my son doesnt drive,there was nowhere for him to stay here,my car is so so old and on its last leg and that is no joking here. I make less then $900 a month which in itself is hard to scratch out a living on under the best of circumstances and this is well worst then I could have ever imagined it could be.
We have now been in a extendastay,like a motel kinda but with weekly rates and furnished kitchen for all 3 weeks. My bills didnt get paid at my apartment and well you can guess they are not on anylonger. I couldnt keep him up here and pay all of those too!
I see no way to ever catch up with the amounts of the origional bills and the reconnect fee's as well. I have known since Kadan was born and began this journey that we would have to move here,closer too him and where he will reside with his Mom. Taking care of this $40 a night and trying to make sure there is gas in the car and food to eat is getting the best of me and not making it easy to have money to find a place here. This is a much larger town then where we live and things are way more expensive here. I am in a dilema as what to do here. If we go back home I cannot get my Son down here,probably not even once a day and I know that wontbe good.
I have the responsibility of my 11 year old as well as my disabled 20 year old daughter whom is not getting any benefits at this time,she was on SSI as a child and when she turned 19 she lost her SSI and due to paperwork that she didnt get back to SS in time she was denied. She was living in her own apartment doing pretty good but she wasnt real good at checking her mail and such and it didnt get in at the deadline. She lost her SSI and her medical card and all benefits so she is back with me and even though we have reapplied it can and will be a long road especially since she has not been able to afford to go to her Docs in some time so her medical records are sorely lacking,something we all know is important for SS. She was scheduled for thyroid surgery when she lost her medicaid so she is still dealing with all that,bad thyroid problems on top of her origional disability.
My Son is still just barely 18 and he was working at home on a farm and well he couldnt be there and here too. He is working for a friend of mine sporadically when they need him but not enough to do any of us much good.
Now to top all that off I got notified yesterday via mail that the last knee surgery I had has some glich in the bone screws used and they can break off and float around in the knee,this may be why I am having so much trouble with that knee I dont know I have not had time to go have the MRI to find out what is going on and I dont see what difference it would make as I sure cant have surgery at this time.
I can tell you Kadan Mother did not visit for 2 entire days this weekend though and I know they said something about it to my Son at the hospital and he was asked if he would be "living"with Kadan and his Mother when he got out of the hospital and he told them no and the Nurse told my son that she and the other Nurses had noticed that Mom doesnt seem to take the initiative in Kadans care even when they are there together,she lets my Son do most of the care and they are a little more then concerned about her reactions and actions to him.
She slept all day yesterday and my Son tried calling her time and time again and they kept telling them she was still in bed.
I have no idea why I am spilling all this but maybe hoping someone has some suggestions as my mind is so full I cant even think of any answers or steps to take here.
You all have been so kind and so informative maybe you all can see things I cant right now.
I feel like I am losing my mind and everything else at this point and I virtually am!
FJ,PAlady,Laurie,thanks so much for following this thread and for all the support and guidance you each have brought here for us, I cant ever thank you all enough.
I am going to go read someother posts now as this at least will remind me I am not the only one here with problems.