I'm writing this with tears streaming down my face, so hopefully this all makes sense. I had a breakdown tonight. It happens periodically, when on the stress and pain, and lack of sleep piles on top of one another until I explode (or maybe implode is a better word). Tonight was one of those nights when everything caught up with me. I'm just terrified that no one is going to be able to help me and that there is no hope. I think, or rather I know, that this was all brought upon me because once again my eye has worsened. The pain is the same dreadful 7-8 that it has been for the last 2 & 1/2 years, but the functioning of that eye has once again taken a turn for the worse. For the last 4 or 5 days, I've been having an extremely hard time focusing my eye (moreso than usual) & my visual acuity has decreased. I should go back to see my doctor, but I pretty much know what he is going to say already, plus that would mean an extra 3 hours of driving, and I really don't think that I could do that in my present condition. I barely made it up here today.
Well, I was in a real bad state & I was scared of myself as well, because I was having thoughts coming into my head that were not mine... When this breakdown started, I was standing in front of my mirror working on my eyebrows with tweezers, and just for a moment, I looked at the sharp edge & thought of "how much better things would be without this stupid eye..." I don't know where, or who that thought came from, but it horrified me. So, I threw the tweezers down & grabbed the phone to call the one family member that I can trust & confide in, and who supports me without question, so I could get all of my fears and stressor out in the
open. I usually receive compassion & support - I don't want sympathy, I just want to know that someone is there, listening and helping me get through these tough times. Today all I received was silence. And then he told me that the reason that he thinks that nothing has helped me & why I keep getting worse is because my pain, etc is all in my head. He said that I have some deep need for this pain & that he has always thought this, from the very beginning. Then he says that the fact that I forcefully deny this (and get even more upset at this suggestion) is proof of it, because if I didn't have a need for it, then I wouldn't get defensive. And then he has the nerve to tell me that he is not accusing me (because I can't control it). Like hell you're not accusing me! And then as further proof, he adds the fact that two of the doctors that I sought out to help who even came close to suggesting something like this, I fired (despite the fact that I have very strong reasoning for firing them, which I won't go into here, because that's another story in itself).
I am just so hurt. I thought that of all people, I could trust my father. He's always been there for me when no one else has. He's always supported me (and in fact reassured me that my initial fear - that everyone would think or did think that this whole thing was in my head - was not justified - I guess he was lying). I don't know who to trust anymore. I can't go to my mother. Her idea of support is telling me to "toughen up & just deal with it" (I'm sorry, but what the *&%^ do you think I'm doing? I try my hardest, I give I everything I've got. I DO THE BEST THAT I CAN.). He always understood the most. He said that the fact that this pain is in my head doesn't make it any less real, but how am I supposed to believe that? He is a doctor, too. I thought that he was different. I thought that he understood. Now I'm questioning what my other doctor's must think of me.
I know this thing isn't in my head. I have real physical symptoms. I can't fake the things that are going on with me, and why the hell would I want to put myself in severe pain every moment of every day AND take away my vision, along with many of the privileges that come with having sight. My heart just feel like it is broken. I don't know how I am supposed to respond. Every response I give just seems to fuel his fire even more. It's not like I haven't thought of this possibility before. It's not like I haven't talked with my therapist about
it in detail. We both came to the conclusion that this was not in my head, whether something deep down in my subconscious or not.
How can you not be offended by someone that you love and respect telling you that there is nothing wrong with you & to just get over it already?
How are you supposed to deal with someone telling you that it's all in your head; that something deep down inside of you "needs" for you to be in pain?
How do you handle this? What am I supposed to do? I don't know who to trust anymore.
I just feel so alone. I've always felt alone, but now I feel empty too. It it wasn't for all of you, I don't think I'd have anyone.
Sorry for the length of this.
Post Edited (skeye) : 6/9/2009 9:51:07 PM (GMT-6)