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what a strange existence

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Posted 7/25/2009 10:18 PM (GMT -7)
So I sit here in my misery, another day gone by, and I am wondering *** happened to me...

Some of the things that I used to think were fun are of no interest any more.  Some of the things that were of no interest are very important now.  I have an appt with the PM this Thursday, but I have a feeling it is just going to be a "how do you do..."

For the middle aged to younger crowd I listen to Blind Melon's "No Rain" a lot just to keep the right edge.

I am going through a divorce, and in the meantime got into a relationship with someone that was desparate to get married - boy, that was smart.  Can't get rid of either of 'em...

I am really trying to keep the cup half full attitude and move on, and reading the posts out here really helps.  You people and the things you say are a life savor and I hope you keep typing away at what you are feeling, cause even if you do not realize it, it is very helpful.

Those that were in the chat this week know I would really appreciate a organized chat more than once a week, so let me know if I can help out in making that a reality...

N8

Posted 7/25/2009 11:35 PM (GMT -7)
Hi, NB,
Chronic pain- or I imagine most any significant chronic illness - has a way of changing one's priorities, how we view the world. Sometimes it's the depression that goes along with it that brings the loss of interest. Sometimes there are things we loved but can no longer do and maybe not being interested can become a blessing in disguise. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it all out and imagine I will be for the rest of my life.

It's hard to keep seeing the cup as half full all the time, at least it is for me. Some people do better at it. But at least you keep trying. That's the best we can do at times.

Guess I'm in the "upper middle aged" bracket (trying to cut myself some slack LOL) but I don't know Blind Melon. Hopefully, that right edge is a positive one.

I wonder why you think the PM appointment is going to be just a "how do you do" appointment. True if it's your first one with this doctor, there will be a lot of history taking and such, and he/she may want to adjust medications slowly, but I would also suggest you go in with all your questions and especially your symptoms, and expect that at least some attempt is made to provide you with relief on Thursday.

So glad you have joined us.

And, BTW, we all make mistakes. Sounds like at least you're catching this one with the relationship. We all have needs and when we're hurting those are even more pronounced.

Our family here is a great one, and remember things you share with others will be a part of what makes it stay that way.

Take care,

PaLady
Posted 7/25/2009 11:46 PM (GMT -7)
N8, you are so right. There was a thread awhile back that discussed CP and our identity. It is something we all face a some level. It is difficult to keep the cup full all the time and we find ourself trying to keep it at least half full. The possitive side is we need to keep looking at the full aspect and not the empty one. We have all experienced loss with the debilerating pain and all that goes with it. I have to constantly look at the options and then focus on the ones that help us or at least give us hope. We all find ways to deal with the limitations as well as losses. For me, I have had the tendency to deny the pain as much as possible and drive myself into work. As one of my drs stated, he has a hard time working with and understanding people dealing with CP and do nothing but sit on a couch. That might sound judgemental but there is a point that we all have to face the realities of what life has given us. We don't get the choice of what we get, just how we are going to deal with it. There are days that I want to stay in bed and forget it but I force myself not to. We are all different and I think it is healthy for us as we share on a level like this forum. I say all this to encourage you to keep fighting the fight.

I like the way you sign your posts, it is the same way my son writes his name. Be blessed!

Posted 7/26/2009 12:32 AM (GMT -7)
Thank you both so much for replying at this time of the day - it really means a lot to this sleepless soul...

I am so new to this. I have always done whatever I can to make those around me feel more about themselves and what they are going through is more important than what I am feeling. Regardles of how bad the pain is or how low my mood is, I have felt that relieving others of their pain is more important. I pray that never changes. The people I work with are amazing. I think if I was with any number of the previous employers I have been, things would be different now. Not that the folks I work with now have health issues, but they have compassion.

The last 2 days really have not been horrible, it is just times like now I really appreciate a consoling word. I hurt so much, cannot sleep, and therefore think about all the other stuff going on. You are the best!

N8
Posted 7/26/2009 12:33 AM (GMT -7)
ps, I got the N8 thing from Gretchen1 - Thanks to my friend Gretchen!
Posted 7/26/2009 9:33 AM (GMT -7)
Sure hope your feeling somewhat better soon and know we care!
may you get a low pain day soon as well...If I could elimate one thing from this world,
it'd either be pain or hunger...vent all you need...
lots and lots of soft hugz
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((N8)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc, Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's and Ocular Migraines

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********

Posted 7/26/2009 10:00 AM (GMT -7)
Hey Nate!

 

    Good Morning! *huggs* It is good to see you again. I hope you are having a little bit better day today. I've been riding the pain express for a while now.. so that weird haze has finally finished settling over me. I am getting back into the "haze groove". So, if my mind wonders alot and you think to yourself (this chick is one lug nut short ) you ll know why  smilewinkgrin

 

     The "life transition peroid" you speak of, is what was hardest for me. Why I had to seek help from a pain psychologist. It took all told.. maybe 6months. to redifine "me". about a year to be comfortable with who I became.... I didnt not handle being "sick" well. I also did not understand that things I thought were "me" turned out to be little more than a reaction to long term pain. So, there I was... 50% of "me" turned out to be primitive reaction, and the other 50% had to find new "meaning" in life.  scool   All of which left me "stripped" of all I "thought" I knew.  We are Onions , my friend. And we must surround ourselves only with that which truly makes up happy and our souls elated. WHY? Because we will never feel as good as we do today, tomorrow. Nor will we ever feel as good as we do tomorrow, next year.  Anyone who doesnt like it can kiss my curves.

 

     I like peter gabriels "Mercy street". It is my pain song. But then again, I would leave my Hubby in a heart beat to marry Phil Collins! *slobber* So hott!

 

     Tell you new GF that it would be fantastic to get married! Just as soon as you find a cure devil   Oooh im so grumpy when im in pain, LOL!

 

     I like chat alot!!!! I dont know how we would find another way to chat? Im not very technologically inclined.... I am very abusive towards my computer.... It has the dents to prove it!   devil  

*huggs*

dani

 

p.s. Why 1/2 full? Imma greedy WOMAN I want the whole cup!  smilewinkgrin      

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood

Posted 7/26/2009 10:45 AM (GMT -7)
(sorry nate!!)

 

   Dear Lotsadotsa,

 

     I was on most of the night, and at some point I had brewed myself some valerian root tea, then just outta the blue decided to go take a bath

 

 

  Sorry! It wasnt intentional!

 

*huggs*

dani

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood

Posted 7/26/2009 12:49 PM (GMT -7)
Dani,
Just loved your post - once again, you make me smile and then some!

Green does suit you. But it's not easy being green, right? :-)

PaLady
Posted 7/26/2009 12:53 PM (GMT -7)
Good to hear from you all! I just wish your replies were a physical cure all as much as they are a mental one ;-)

Lotsa, it is amazing how what is old can become new again. I always loved that song, and remember that video vividly from all those years ago. Late 80's, early 90's music occupies a lot of my playlists. Many of my favorite artists are gone, but far from forgotten. And yes, it is sad how early they left us.

Dani, that pain psychologist is something I will bring up with the PM Dr. this week. I have so much to deal with and I feel that I manage it fairly well, but this frustration is about the worst I have ever felt in my head. I broke things off with that gal...just too much to deal with and right now the thought of living with another person or even marriage again is just not in my deck of cards. I know it is of no solace to her, but I told her it was me and to move on and find a relationship she deserves with a guy that wants to settle down. I have to get me right, or at least headed in that direction, before I set out to have a true relationship. It didn't help she lives an hours drive away as well, and anymore driving to the wal-mart a mile away is a pain in the side.

Chartreaux, thank you for the well wishes! All the kind thoughts do help. I hope thos are *really* soft hugs from you all too - I just am not reall touchy-feely right now - sorry...
I am really looking forward to Thusday nights now - a day I have something penciled on my calendar now!

Sincerely,

N8
Posted 7/27/2009 7:10 AM (GMT -7)
Infinite, I can't think of much to add to what already has been said. But I do want you to know that I am thinking about you.

I hope your PM appt. goes well this week. You may need adjustments made on your medications. It is very hard to sleep when you are in so much pain. I understand that completely. Many of our sleep patterns have changed. Please discuss this with your doctor. He needs to know about your pain and your sleep,so that he can help.

I do admire you for making the needed decisions regarding relationships. It seems to me that you did the right thing. You do need to focus on yourself now. It is hard to be in a relationship when one is wanting more than the other is wanting. The right one will come along when you least expect it.

Keep posting here. It helps in more ways than you realize. I know it helps me. I find my pain levels do seem to decrease when I am here. You are not alone. You have all of us who do care and will support and encouarge you throughout all of this.
Anice
Posted 7/27/2009 7:40 AM (GMT -7)
Hey N8,

This is a great thread with lots of great responses.  I loved reading all this.  I think one of the hardest things about chronic pain and chronic illness is that lots of us look "normal".  It is so hard to talk to family and coworkers or whomever if they don't understand chronic conditions.  The suffering we go through is invisible.  If you try to explain, you get, "but you look so good."  You also get the pedestrian cures, "you need to lose some weight is all", or "if you exercised more you would feel better"  I also love the ,"Oh everyone has pain (or fatigue or...)" 

That is why this place is so amazing.  You end up talking to someone who gets it.  It is that instant connection you have when you don't have to explain why this is so hard. 

I love blind melon.  Right now I am going through a Eve 6 and Knickelback thing.  Ok catch you later.  I will look for you on chat.  Check chat often, you will find friends there I am sure.

Gretchen  ~  diagnosed with MS July 2006

 

I have no lesions on my soul and so I will live with no limits.

Posted 7/27/2009 4:38 PM (GMT -7)
infinite
Attitude is everything, and it is not always easy to see the cup as half full, but you just keep trying to see it that way! With CP it is just one day at a time, I know some days are better than others, I find coming here to this forum always helps me, if it is just to read the posts of others! It puts things into perspective for me, as bad as I might think I have it, there is always someone who has it much much worse, and it breaks my heart, I want to help them so much! I realize I am not alone in my pain, but I also often realize that I don't don't have it so bad either!

I am probably like PALady upper edges of the middle age group, as I don't know Blind Melon either, or maybe I am just out of touch.

Good Luck to you infinite

White Beard
Moderator Chronic Pain

 

I'm Retired USAF, went back to school and became an RN, and now am on full disalbility!--Degenerative Disc (affecting mostly the thorasic disc but all levels involved), C6/7 laminectomy/diskectomy& fusion, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications: Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV

Posted 7/28/2009 6:09 AM (GMT -7)
Are you talking about Blind Lemon Jerferson, the country blues singer from back in the 1920's or is this a new group using his name? just curious????
Thanks,
Pete
PS> I'm a crazed white boy lost in the blues and have been for over 40 years, thats why I have to ask!!
56 years old, Surgury, Radical Prostatectomy 8/20/03, PSA 6.6, Gleason 3 + 3 = 6, Adenocarcinoma extent (moderate) Stage & Margin:T2NOMX, No Metastases, Organ Confined, bone scan: Neg. 3 1/2 years of depression after surgery prior to Hypogonadizm DX, Testosterone Theropy> new 2/6/09> 400mg injections once a month. 56 and so glad to still be here to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men. They are both serving in the US Navy, Joseph is on the aircraft carrier USS John Stennis back in Bremerton, Wa. after 8 mo. deployment! and Pete Jr. is on The Asault Ship USS Bataan "The Jaws of the Fleet" somewhere in the Persian Gulf w/ 2,000 Marines aboard. I am one very proud (what they call me)> Big Pops! 

Posted 7/29/2009 8:48 AM (GMT -7)
Ugh, I have been so busy with work that I just haven't replied to all of you! Thank you all for the follow ups. It chills me to think what state I would be in mentally if I hadn't found this place. This place gives you the feeling that you belong, like Blind Melon's "Bee Girl" video, it feels like no matter how awkward you are, once you find this place you arent different any more. I apologize to those of you that do not know of or haven't heard of Blind Melon for the continued references :) I would suggest going to YouTube and searching for the bands "No Rain" video, and if you do not like the tune, turn it down and just watch the video. It is quirky, but has a beautiful message. And Pete, I do believe that Blind Lemon Jefferson is partly where they got there name from, as at least one of the band members was from Mississippi (Blind Lemon's area...).

Anyway, I have a lot going on and if I do not have time to add to this thread or start another to spill my guts about this week then I will hope to see you all Thursday evening!

N8
Posted 7/29/2009 10:26 AM (GMT -7)
Infinite,
Your sentence that it "chills" you to think what state you'd be in mentally if you hadn't found HW brought tears to my eyes because that's how I and many of us feel. And the differences we may have with the world are understood by others here. There's nothing like the heartfelt understanding of other people to help us 'heal". Maybe we can't cure our pain or other conditions, but healing is a different thing. We can do that. The forum was well-named.

And I may not know the music, but that's ok! New things help us all learn. Thing is I have an old dial up connection, so you tube and other "modern" site are pretty much out of it for me - especially any videos.

Pete - I've always forgotten to mention I did look up your brother's website awhile back. Some of my relatives came from the Big Easy, so I couldn't believe the photo with Al Hirt! Way cool! Now Inifinite probably won't know who that is! :-)

(Pete will have to explain about his brother, who's a musician)

PaLady :-)
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