Thank you to everyone.
Appointment is set this Wednesday. Filled my script
for pain meds and either my doctor changed the dose without alert
ing me or yet again, the pharmacy messed up. They did mess up once before...they changed 3 a day to 2 a day. I called my doctor's office and they called the pharmacy. Today, it read 1 a day. Fun fun. I get to call first thing tomorrow and wait all day for a reply back on the answer or I can just go in on Wednesday and show him the script
(I don't like taking pain medication out of the house). Meanwhile, I'm wondering...if he did change it, does he not understand? Which I don't think is the real honest truth. This guy's known me since I was a young kid, and helps most of my aunts/uncles here where I live.
Now, off that. Thanks for all the advise. I'm not sure how the insurance will cover the pain management clinic or a psychologist/psychiatrist who deals with regular issues or pain issues. I've got a pretty amazing handle on my body and how I can sense things actually. I've had shrinks before. When I was cutting...I was seeing a shrink about
three years ago or so...and it was maybe two years after spending a summer in two hospitals, enduring 3 "major" surgeries and a lot of the shrink work then covered flashbacks of painful procedures and the demoralizing and...dehumanizing moments of being in a hospital. The cutting...I wasn't on any antidepressants and was trying to deal with all the well...horrifying stuff any type of hospital stay can cause. I'm not what a person would call "sensitive" in general.
I'm a pretty harsh person actually...at least I am when it comes to situations where people can change things. I'm a big believer in changing bad situations if you're in one. I suppose that's what makes me so angry. I'm also a believer in karma/fate...whathaveyou. That what you put into the world/universe will come back to you. So, in a sense, I feel as though I'm being punished and yet, I don't quite understand what truly evil things I've done to deserve this. I thought having Crohns was payment enough for whatever I've done wrong in my life...maybe a challenge to live a different life. Add in what I owe in monetary terms, then losing my ability to bear children (yes, technically if I had 20K I could IVF but honestly, don't think its gonna happen), and plenty of other awful things I've endured...I thought okay, karmic/fate price is settled. It just feels like I'm losing my dreams day by day and the only one that I
actually got was in my husband. I got my soulmate but I can't bear him children, put him in debt, and now I'm losing my looks. Poor guy. :-P I never dreamt of much. Always wanted a job I could "stand" or at least suffer through positively, have the love of my life, own a car, own a home, and the biggest of the dreams was a houseful of children. Children I could raise to look at the world similarly to the way I always saw it and try to work toward making a better world by being truly good people. I never had bigger aspirations. Sure sure, college, whatever. Even then, all I got was a good for nothing 2 year associates degree (and I got that later then I should've).
I see in my future; bankruptcy...my credit's at 520, my husbands' at 515. How are we going to ever buy a car? I always wanted a brand new car...every car I've ever had wasn't actually "mine" and was given to me "used" after several family members and strangers had broken it into something that worked "enough". I have this degree and it doesn't matter since all I got as a job was a substitute for the salaried employees (which drives me nuts since I know more of the technical aspects then they usually do). I wonder how I'll ever EVER get an apartment since most places where I live need at least credit of 650...so how can I even consider a home. Adoption'd be nice but I think most agencies have issues with anyone whose suffered depression and now with this...this...fibromyalgia...the possibility that I couldn't pick a child up if I was having a flare...might and should count against me. Whatever happened to the ideal of being a good person and having good come back to you? I've been in debt since I was 17...it carried over three months to when I was an adult for hospital bills that should've been covered by my parents' insurances. Lately, its like I pay off one, and five show up that need immediate payment. All the subs at my work are being knocked back to 40 hours a MONTH. I haven't considered other work or a second part time job because I physically...honestly...know I couldn't do it. I put in for a job outside what I went to college for and they haven't gotten back to me. It'd be a gift from the gods/fate/whatever but I'm scared of even that since its a fulltime position.
After my dr. appt on Wed., we're planning on going to the family and social services to see what we can do. Neither myself or my husband are big on getting government aid since we both know there are many people out there who probably need it more then we do and we don't want to use money that could starve others. At the same time, I honestly want to quit working and spend time dealing with this new disease and the resulting depression and whatever that's going to come with it. Still and all, I can keep working and deal with it. Plus, our government system wouldn't have much aid for me...I've only had four documented jobs, two were temporary/seasonal work. My SSI letters even tell me I couldn't qualify LOL. I've never worked full-time since when I wasn't sick and/or recovering, I was in college and interning (unpaid of course).
So yeah...I know I've got issues...and dealing with them is hard. I spend time outside even in the heat of this summer and try to find beauty in things even though in about
a month I won't have this view anymore (as I said, we're about
to be homeless). I want to be out there living with my husband and dependent on no one and nothing. Paying our bills, out of debt, just being contributing members of society...and I honestly don't know how I'm going to keep working. I've always worked through the pay at any job and I called in on Saturday. I couldn't stand to actually stand for longer then four minutes. Pain in my feet. Been destressing the past few days and trying to keep that going but the pain hasn't relented. Had half a nervous breakdown yesterday where I cried for hours. Yeah...guilt at putting my husband through this...he's a truly wonderful person and should have children. Kids literally flock to the guy. He deserves better then this. We're relatively young at 28. We've been together for 9 years and so far...we've only lived a year on our own where we didn't have to sponge off our relatives...and I HATE that. Ahhh...well...I'm grouching now. Going to make a list for the doctor's visit...and stop b****ing and get on with things.
Still and all, thank you for the suggestions. I've been on prozac before and might consider it. I've got to be careful of certain anti-depressants that would work for both the anger/depression and the pain of the fibro since I've also got Crohns. A lot of those suckers screw with the bleeding issues of a Crohnie. Plus, of course facing all the change-ups of medications til its just right. Just never again tramadol. yeeesh...stuff kept me in the bathroom most of the day with D and V and of course wonderful migraines. Yipppeee. Man...I miss the days of taking a couple aspirin when my head hurt...can't really do that now so I have to do tons of other stuff for the constant headaches I've got going down. Thanks for the kind words and thoughts. I'm sending them all right back to you all here as well.
27/f/CD. 4 CD related surgeries: 2 resections, 2 JP drains, 3 NG tubes, many absesses (including the one my most recent surgery scraped off my ovary) and fistulas.
Have lost in these surgeries: appendix, 8 in. intestine, R fallopian tube, gallbladder, 10 in. intestineAllergies and Asthma
my whole lifeDepression
after surgeries and illness of 2003.Crohns
Dx'd: February 2008.
Dx'd: July 21, 2009
Post Edited (Joie1) : 8/4/2009 12:37:26 AM (GMT-6)