First, I don't want to "bring anyone down", so please just ignore this post if you are in a good place
. I apologize for my second post that is off the topic of chronic pain, but I have no one to "vent" to and I need to do just that. And also to ask for prayers or positive thoughts and energy. I realize that no one here knows me and vice versa, but maybe that's even better. Come to think of it, this isn't really off-topic too much, because as I am sure most of you know - severe stress = increased pain. Anyway, here goes. My family is on the verge of losing everything and for the first time in my life, I am scared. I have been strong all of my life, a survivor. I guess that can be a good thing, but it is so hard being strong all the time. No one really worries about
me because I have always been strong and resilient, the "cheerleader" of the family. I'm the one who always says that: "everything will be alright", "think positive", "we've survived worse", "it always works out in the end" - blah, blah, blah. I never seem to have a shoulder to lean on, because I am always the shoulder for everyone else. Well, sometimes even strong people get weak (and I hate feeling weak). My fiance was injured on the job over a year ago. He fell off a faulty scaffolding and injured his back. Long story short, he has recovered as much as he is going to and we settled our Worker's Comp case early this year. He can't go back to laying block, but he is still capable of doing any other type of masonry, remodeling, etc. Unfortunately, the building industry in Florida has tanked and there simply is not any work. We drive around every day (that we have gas), looking for job sites and I have applied for exactly 32 jobs - and still nothing. We are a month and a half behind on our rent, our power will be shut off Monday, with our cable/phone following shortly thereafter. School starts on Tuesday and my boys have absolutley NOTHING - no clothes, supplies, and literally no shoes. They wore out their sneaks from last year. Our church has helped us as much as they can over the past few months, but there are others who need their help too. I have been to other churches (most cannot help unless you are a member of their congregation), charities, etc., but so many people are hurting right now, there just isn't enough to go around. I am just SO scared. I am feeling completely hopeless, helpless, and scared (there's that word again!). People look at me and have no idea. I'm a really good actress and can put up a very good front. My mom taught me when I was young that no matter how bad you feel inside, let the outside world see a smile. I'm not a "people pleaser", but I like to see people happy. I'm the kind of person that, if I see someone with a nice outfit on, or a pretty hairstyle, I'll tell them how nice they look. If I see someone with a beautiful car, I'll tell them, "Great car!". Sorry for rambling, but my point is; I try to be nice to people, I don't complain about
my problems, I help anyone who needs help. No matter how crappy I'm feeling, when someone asks me how I'm doing, I always answer, "Great, how 'bout you?" The problem is, I'm NOT ok and I feel like my life is spiraling into a dark, bottomless pit.
I'm going to apologize now. I am sorry for sounding so pathetic. I just really needed to vent like this - I won't do it again. My physical pain is out of control right now - I need to get my stress level down or I'll end up back in the hospital. And I can't let that happen, because my household would be reduced to a large, smoldering heap! I don't mean that literally, of course. It's just that my two sons and my fiance wouldn't know what to do with themselves...the dishes...the laundry...the cats...meals - wow, I just got a visual of what this place would look like without me.
Just please, for those that do - please say a prayer for my family. Or just send out some positive thoughts. I don't care about me, it's my boys who deserve so much better than this. I should probably just delete this, but I'm going to go ahead and hit "submit".