Hello again Bob,
I am also concerned about what you said about the pills. I have had two failed surgeries so far and one that has caused me to be a parapeligic. Now, I guess I am lucky in that I am not in the wheelchairs 24/7, I am darn close to it and will be before too long, but considering that I was a walking, talking human being, busy mom of 4, Girl Scout Leader, Cub Scout Pack Committee Chair, volunteer Instructor for Red Cross, and the very busy wife of a police officer three short years ago and now I can barely stand on my own two feet for more than 5 minutes, can't walk 100 ft on my own accord, without leaning on a cane or a shopping cart to hold me upright......well, let's just say I can understand a bit of how you feel when it comes to the unfulfilled promises and the lack of adequate pain management and the persona non grata feeling, I have experienced far too often.
I live with a constant state of pain that even fentanyl barely touches on my good days. On the bad ones, like the last few, it is all that I can manage to sit/lay down and hope the days ends soon. I don't sleep, in fact, the sleeping pills we've tried wire me up, instead of putting me to sleep.....so those are useless. In fact, I've been up and awake now for going on 32 hours.....and I know that it will be 4 or 5 am before I finally manage to sleep for an hour or so only to wake up and do it all over again.
There are days Bob, I think that we all feel like throwing in the towel and saying, enough......if this is all there is, then maybe I don't want it....but we have our families and our friends who love us, no matter what our physical condition is. We do matter to those who love us and who we love in turn.
Yes, your life has changed and done so dramatically, but you are still alive and breathing and you can make what you choose to with this new life as it is given to you. I don't know if you will ever be able to go back to being a CEO for the 500MM company, or do the things that you did in this life before your failed surgeries and treatments, but I do know this much, if you throw in the towel now, you will never find out what you could have done with this new life that you have been handed.
I've heard it said that people who live with chronic conditions are some of the strongest, most courageous people on the earth and I think that I believe that. I know that my husband could not live with the levels of pain that I do on some days. I am not saying that he is not strong, because he is, just not in a way that it takes to live with chronic pain, all day, every day and he will tell you that himself.
It takes courage to get up each day, knowing that the pain levels will still be there, just waiting for us to open our eyes....and it takes strength to go out and try to find some way to help ourselves, and others who are also searching....and you obviously have that, or you wouldn't have made it this far.
None of us know what tomorrow may bring, some new treatment, some new medication, but I do know that if we aren't here, we won't ever know the answer.
We can offer you support, and an ear when the going gets rough, we can offer a laugh at a joke and a shoulder if you need to lean on us for a bit....and friendship, but you have to stick around with us.
I know it's hard to keep on going Bob. We all do.....but if we don't, where does that leave those people who depend on and who love us?
PLIF/TLIF Fusion w/Instrumentation L4-5 Spondololysthesis L4-5.Laminectomies L4-5, foraminal stenosis L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, herniations L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, central canal stenosis L3-4, L4-5 and L5-S1
POST OP CES 3/30-06
Neurogenic Bladder and Bowel, bilateral numbness legs and feet
Revision for failed Back surgery, pseudoarthrosis L4-5, hemilaminectomies L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, bmp added to revision fusion, replaced two bent screws that were reversing out of vertebrae - August 2, 2007
On going back pain and neuropathic pain, failed back surgery, consult for scs, decided not to do that at this point.
Adhesive Arachnoiditis also......just what I didn't need..9/08- adding bilateral ulnar neuropathy with severe compression to the mix. They want me to see a surgeon for ulnar nerve surgery, but I'm not biting.
I've seen enough surgeons over the last few years.