have to have a talk with a family members- advice?

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   Posted 1/19/2010 6:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Well its time I have a talk with my dad and brother. THey are clearly having a problem with their meds. All they has done for the last week is sleep. my dad has been having severe mood swings.

This is not the first time in life they have had a problem. I was just going to tell them I was concerned about him lately and recognized they are in pain.

theye used to go to the gym everyday, they used to help me out all the time, now my dad has me babysitting his dog, taking them to the vet, basically I am doing everything, while he sits around. We live in close proximity so it does affect me, but mostly I am worried about him and my brother. my brother comes here and he is practically drooling on himself. They both feed off of each other and go to the same quack of a doctor. these people get more pain meds than humanly possible, I know they will have more excuses I have heard a million times such as :thats what my doc perscribes" I didnt sleep well last night, yadda yadda-

The problem is that the last time I tried to bring up an addiction to my father (in a bad way) he attacked me and tried to throw me down the stairs and got into a fist fight. (he was arrested)

so I am really concerned.

any suggestions appreciated.
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Date Joined Jul 2008
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   Posted 1/19/2010 7:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow merry that is really bad. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I wish there was something that I could say that would help but, I am really at a loss for thoughts tonight. Doc changed my meds on me and I'm a little out of it. But I wish you well hun and maybe have someone with you when you go see them.


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   Posted 1/19/2010 10:16 PM (GMT -6)   
I can see a few options:

1. Go to court and get them declared imcompetant to make medical decisions for themselves and get yourself granted medical guardian. If you succeed have them sent to an inpatient treatment detox center as well as finding them new doctors to treat their ailments. The problem there is that they may end up going behind your back once they are back home and continuing to see their current quack.

2. Report this doctor to everyone you can think of. If he works as part of a clinic or hospital system contact the management. Also report what is going on to the state medical board, department of health and the state's licensing agency. Hopefully you can at least bring enough pressure on this doctor to get him to rethink his practices if not get his medical license revoked or at least suspended.
The web site below lists which agency in every state that is responsible for medical licensing.


3. In any case I think you need to take a tough love approach. Stop enabling them by doing things for them. Leave them to their own means until they agree to get help. You don't have to confront them and tell them you think they are drug addicts, but tell them you don't like what the medication is doing to them and you can't bear to see it any longer and until they get some help, which you will be happy to help them do, the best thing for you to do is concentrate on your own life and health. If you do this in person then have someone with you, otherwise a phone call would probably be best given your father's past reception to this.
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   Posted 1/20/2010 12:28 AM (GMT -6)   

Merrygirl, You are definitely in a difficult position. It is bad enough dealing with your life but having to take on the problems of several family members. The one thing I would suggest is that if you do need to talk to your father and brother, do not do it alone. Find another family member or friend that can go with you just in case things turn out ugly. You have to protect yourself even if you are trying to help them.


The option of getting some kind of guardianship or having them declared incompetent is sometimes difficult especially if they have a doctor that does not agree with you. You would need to have documented proof to back your claims and if it is not granted, you could face difficult relations with them afterwards. Again, it would be better if you  had others with you to support and protect you through the process.


Is it possible to have your father eligible for some sort of home health care that can help monitor him and take part of the brunt off you? I am not suggesting you abandon him but try and get some outside help as it appears there is a past history of him not being open to you intervening. Just a few thoughts. My prayers are with you.


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   Posted 1/20/2010 12:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Merry...

Watching your family tear themselves apart must be so painful for you and I'm sorry this is happening. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do and maybe this is the time. I agree with above...turn in the doctor. If you can make a list of the prescriptions, times, different incidences you can remember...anything that you can back up, then you have something to go on when you talk to the authorities. It's apparent they are not going to stop this of their own so if you want to see them get clean and sober you have 2 choices...1) stay and turn them and/or their doctor in to the authorities. or 2) turn your back and walk away. And Merry....it's OK to walk away. Yes, it's your family but if you have tried to help and were attacked by your father then there probably isn't anything you can do.

I've seen this up close...not my immediate family, but closer than I would like and it's heartbreaking. Merry, do you have a personal friend who can accompany you while doing all of this? If you have a pastor, that would be a great person to go to first. But it would be much better if you have someone with you who sort of knows the ropes and to be there physically for you. On the emotional side you have this entire CP family with you! So trust in our faith in you and your inner strength that you may not even know you have and move forward carefully and slowly. The way things are right now is no good at all. You pretty much have all to gain and not much to lose.

Warm hugs,
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, but Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 1/20/2010 12:22 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks for t he advice guys. I am sick as hell today with lyme fibro whatever, ugh.

so I am going to wait till the right moment. His dog needs to go to the vet and I am to sick to do it, so he will have to wait till tomorrow and do it himself. HE claims they are both too sick to do it today. yesterday my dad slept from 12 noon to 8pm. its out of control. I am sick and i dont do that

today i am annoyed and sick.

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 1670
   Posted 1/20/2010 3:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh Merry, its probably the stress thats causing you to flare.

They can't be happy sleeping and drooling, surely they want to change too, or are they happy being so out of it they sleep and drool without complaint? You're certainly in a tough situation. FJ and Chutz have put it in a nutshell for you, so I won't offer more than my heartfelt sympathy.

Make sure you look after yourself first, no good you getting sick worrying about them, please don't confront your father alone, best wishes, golitho

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   Posted 1/20/2010 4:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I just wanted to offer up prayers and hugz and hope things work out.
I also hope your feeling better soon.
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   Posted 1/20/2010 6:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Merrygirl, in all honesty if you have confronted the two of them before most likely another confrontation will do no good. They have to recongnize they have a problem before they can deal with it and get the appropriate help. Hearing it from you is not enough if they do not feel they have a problem.

My heart goes out to you, it is family after all and it can be so disheartening, however, you just cannot force the issue. Having someone declared mentally incompetent is not an easy feat and it involves paying an atty and plenty of court room time plus psych visits.

Take care of you first and be very careful about this confronting thing.

crohns disease dx 2002 & small bowel resection, still looking for remission whatever that is, chronic pain 22 yrs, added ulcerative colitis 6-05 to the mix, high blood pressure 28 yrs, aortic heart valve insuffiency, depression, osteoarthritis, osteoporosis lumbar spine, scoliosis lumbar spine, peripheral neuropathy hands & feet, COPD & on oxygen therapy, lupus & psoriasis and psoratic arthritis. Several other health issues just not enough room to list it all. Too many surgeries to list and too many medications to list. Currently on 17 different daily medications. Intrathecal pain pump implanted June 05.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
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   Posted 1/20/2010 7:17 PM (GMT -6)   

I agree with what Straydog says. You have to take care of yourself. If your father got violent the last time you tried to talk to him about this, I would be very, very cautious about approaching him in person, especially alone. I hope that things work out for the best, I'll be sending happy thoughts your way!

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Veteran Member

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   Posted 1/20/2010 8:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Addiction is a desease and confronting them is NOT gonna do any good in them getting help, first of all they need to want to the help, sometimes that includes them hitting their bottom, but remember not everyone's bottom is the same.

If I where you, and you feel they are in actual pain but abusing their meds, then call some local methadone clinics and get information on their services, their's even a sight where you can have a person call them who can tell hem all the information on methadone clinics and help set them up with one including counceling and other services, it would be worth a shot.

Also their's Suboxone, where if they dont want to do the daily drive to a methadone clinic they can go once a month to a reguleur doctor's office and get a monthly prescription for suboxone, but that can be VERY expensive, especailly the medication, so I would see what insurance will and will not pay for, even medicaid will pay for it under strict circumstances.

But if they refuse help, then sometimes the best thing to do is cut them off, alot of times addicts dont beleive you, but you would really have to stick to what you say. Sometimes people just dont want help and it's hard watching our loved ones being taken over by this terrible disease....I see it everyday. I have 2 people in my apartment complex that are addicted, aunts and cousins, and some friends and I'm always telling them about new stuff I've found out to help with addiction, I even got one of my friends help when she got pregnant and now she's been clean and had a healthy baby boy about 5 months ago, she got her OB doctor to taper her off in her 2nd trimester, so that was exciting.

So remember their's always hope, and remember that addiction is a disease and they cant "just stop it". ALso remember to not call them ADDICTS, its naming a person by their disease and is demeaning, I know you wouldnt want people saying their goes the person with (enter whatever ailment/s you have), they need help as much as any person wih any health issue would need, and sometimes it's a long road, and very long one.


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   Posted 1/21/2010 6:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Merry,
my heart goes out to you. There are not too many things in life worse than seeing your family members go down this road. I know you would do anything to help them but unfortunately like the others have said, they may need to hit rock bottom before they will accept any help at all.

This is your post and I really hate to have to budge in and tell you about what happened w/ my family and addiction but it may help in some way so let me start w/ I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I'll try to make this short as poss!!! My oldest son had a problem w/ drugs in high school, After 3 rehabs which nearly bankrupt us and two overdoses that only God knows how he lived through including one when I found him turning blue and not breathing on the floor of his room> the worst 15 minutes of my life giving him mouth to mouth waiting for the paramedics to show up and praying to hear a heartbeat. We were in a program the state provided for family of addicts who made us understand that we could no longer enable him to live the life he was so we made him leave our home. It was the hardest thing I ever did!!!!!!!!!!

He hit ROCK BOTTOM living on the streets!!! He asked me if I would help him join the Navy and the rest is history! I thank God everyday that he lived through that period of his life but to be honest, I still worry that it could happen again. Addiction is a sickness that can't be cured, it's always hiding in the shadows and sobriety is not easy. He knows that and works very hard to keep away from drugs. So far w/ help from God & the Navy he has.

There were many very good suggestions above from poeple who care but sadly it may have to come to the fact that you may not be able to help them w/o letting them go. My prayers are with you dear girl.
Your Friend,
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