PA lady and others, thank you so much for your concern. my last post was made at 3:33 a.m. and from my phone. my phone started freezing up in the end, so when i just re-read the post it made no sense.
i am ok. my husband and i went to the movies and to red lobster for valentine's day, but we celebrated on saturday instead of sunday. my husband's grandad has been sick. right now, we do not wish for him to stay his home alone, so i volunteered to stay the night with my husband at his grandad's. so my husband, my son, and i went over to his home after we finished eating. it was so very nice and warm inside grandad's home. he has a wood burning stove, so i didn't even think of getting cold. then, to top things off, there was an electric blanket on the bed (grandma died just a few months ago and it was in her bed which was really sad). i've never used an electric blanket before and to be honest i didn't think i could use one because since i had my hysterectomy i get really really hot at night. well, this was made out of a thin, but warm, sweat wicking material and the heat from that blanket made me feel better the next day than i had felt in quite a while. my legs did not hurt.
ok, so to back up a little, my husband and i were happier that day than we had been in a very very long time. we've been together for 8 years this time. but he was my first boyfriend back in high school. however, this time we have been together since i was barely 20 and i'll be 28 in may. i agreed, and my husband was aware, that i would not talk about
my many health concerns over dinner. i did joke about
some things that my doctor had made comment on, and joked about
a new sign, and told my husband the story of an apparent "jerry springer's guests" appearance in the dr's office. the staff was talking about
a lady's spouse that behaved so badly he was asked not to return to the office since he was not the patient (can you imagine how incredibly embarrasing that would be). so aside from that and complaining briefly about
metlife's FMLA policy (they expect my dr to write them a letter stating that my husband must care for me 24/7)...but aside from that, the conversation was light.
i've been referred to often, since my early teenage years, as the "beautiful girl without a smile". i rarely smiled when i was younger, and i "forget" to smile now. i try to smile as often as i can with my son, but i have to remind myself. (when i was a child and early teenager, i suffered horrendous emotional abuse from my step father, so bad in fact, that i tried to kill myself with an eating disorder ---it was bad enought that the hospital told my mom to make funeral arrangements, and i only weighed about
60 lbs at 5'2"). anyways, even my husband can't help but smile when i am sitting and just smiling, (he usually asks me why i have a goofy look on my face lol), but i made it a point to smile while we were at dinner. we fed each other, giggled, kept the conversation light and enjoyed our visit with one another.
after dinner we went to the movies to watch "valentine's day". this was the best part. we have never NEVER gone to the movies together. he always wants to take our son. he has always declined in going when i wanted to go alone. so i took full advantage. i laid my head on hi s shoulder and almost feel asleep he carressed my hair and kept one hand on my knee, then held my hand. i also kept one let or foot over his other leg. so there we were, a grown married couple, cuddled up in the theatre like a couple of teenagers. it was heavenly.
needless to say we were both smiling and much more light hearted for the remainder of the weekend. and believe me i took advantage and stole as many kisses as i could get away with.
he was overjoyed with the fact that i was willing to go stay with him at his ill grandad's and i was overjoyed with him that he had given me attention. the next day he brought me to my mom's so i could spend sunday night into president's day with my mom and my bothers) my mom adopted two boys a year ago from foster care. they are 8 and 13 and i spend as much time with them as i can)my adopted brothers are here and my baby brother -who is not the baby anymore. because he brought me early on sunday i was able to see my angel baby niece, skylar. she is literally the most beautiful baby and child i have ever seen. i say this as a biased mother and proud aunt of 11 nieces and nephews. so, i was able to see my baby girl for most of the day sunday.
ok, well, my mom upset me terribly sunday. and i was upset and crying and i never say or do anything to disrespect my mother (intentionally). i even said to her "i have to get enough of this at home, i can't take it". as i cried and went to my brother''s (used to be mine) room.
well my mother came in to talk to me. she knows the stories of him throwing things, but she didn't know in explicit detail, and she didn't know a couple of other details, including the one that states that he stomped on my phone with his muck boots in january in attempts to destroy my phone because he was drunk, and i told him i was texting his friend -who was there- so his friend would have my number as my husband never answer's his phone-and he thought i was doing something "innappropriate" with my phone. so he tried to destroy it. and she didn't know the detail that he walked away 3 times while throwing things this last time, that he put his hands up to my throat as if to strangle me but didn't and that he kept hitting the bed beside me and then holding his hand as if he were going to backhand me before throwing something. she did not know that he literally walked away out of the room to do this. she also did not know that the argument started as a discussion between my son and i about
whether or not he scored 6 points in a game last year. well my husband started yelliing at my son at the top of his lungs telling him that he needs to stop lying and trying to get him to admit that he knew he was lying. finally i said, he did scre 6 pts at a game last year. so then it was on between us. he said that he never missed a game last year that i was the lazy b**** who didn't go to game because i would rather get high. i reminded him that he missed 3 games last year because he had to work and i missed 3 games also. then, he decided to tell me that i was sobering up off of my pills so i thought i could argue and that i was still wrong because our son never scored 6 shots (12 points) at a game last year. i said no he didn't score 6 shots he scored 6 points. he said "see you dumb a** b**** if you would mind your own business you wouldn't look ignorant and b****. We were talking about
scoring 6 SHOTS and not 6 points!!!!". i said no, our son was talking about
points and not shots. then i said "why don't you just admit that you are wrong and he preceded to start telling me all about
how i'm such a pill head and i have such a pill head and blah blah blah. i asked him why he decided he needed to persecute me when the argument was simply a misunderstanding and that our son had scored 3 shots, or 6 points at a game. then he starts calling me more names and yelling at the top of his lungs. now my son is in the living room, and my husband is standing in the hall yealling at me in the bathroom. i said "(son)did you say you scored 6 points or 6 shots?" he said "points mom, dad she's right this time". so i said see just admit that you are wrong and he is screaming at me some crap about
pills and memory and i yelled back at him through gritted teeth "JUST ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG AND GO ON WITH IT, THIS IS STUPID". so then he comes charging at me like he is going to knock me out and says how dare i get our son involved in an adult conversation when he knows he's in trouble.
i tell you , i know this isa long post but THIS JUST MAKES MY BLOOD ABSOLUTELY BOIL EVERYTIME I TALK about
so now my mom knows all of this and she knows something else that was a big eye
opener for her.
we were sitting at the kitchen table talking about
all of this this morning after she found me sitting indian style in the living room rocking back and forth (i've been sleep walking). she was telling me that i needed to wait until my disability comes through then i need to leave. i said that by that time i would probably just be over it as it will be a minimum of 6 months and could be several years.
well we talked and then i revealed the straw that broke the camel's back-which i had forgotten myself
PLEASE READ, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ANY OF THE POSTS INVOLVING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND
so that's it..in a nut shell...now i'm terrified and i need all the support i can get!!!!!!
Catz...Please reread the forum rules.
This is a support forum for people suffering from chronic pain. We are not here to help with your marriage problems. That is something you need to see a counselor about
. This forum is very expensive to keep running and extremely lengthy posts use a lot of valuable resources. I'm sure there are forums that can help with your personal situation.
Also, talk of suicide is not appropriate on this site as it's a family friendly site. You need help from a doctor or therapist and that's now what we are here for. We do encourage you to call for help, either your family doctor or call a suicide help line.
Post Edited By Moderator (Chutz) : 2/16/2010 3:31:48 PM (GMT-7)