Wanted to tell my story

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/30/2010 8:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Pain Community,

I am a 24 year old hospice nurse that was in a car accident last year. I lost function in my back, neck and arms. I can no longer work. I take pain medicine everyday. I have gone from being smart and witty, to dumb and forgetful. I can remember nothing.
I am married to a wonderfully supportive man, I just keep waiting for him to get tired of caring for me.
After the accident, I lost my sister, mother, father, best friend, and all my in laws.
I used to care for everyone. I am a very sensitive individual, an empath if you will. No one cares. I am amazed and so very hurt. and scared.
I want my mommy. I want someone to tell me its all gonna be okay. That it doesn't have to hurt anymore. I am so tired of the insurance companies, doctors, all the ppl that take advantage because they know you can't fight everyone. You just don't have the energy to spare.
I get prolotherapy now. Anyone know what that is? Voluntary torture. I understand you can get anesthesia, but we can't afford that so I just scream a lot.
I'm 24, I am supposed to be traveling right now in the fifth wheel, teasing my husband about having children, but we both know that I kinda mean it. I am supposed to be caring for those older than me. I am supposed to be thinking about medical school once we are done traveling.
Instead we are having garage sales and arguing about what we can and can't live with so that we can pay for my treatments.
My husband deserves a wife that isn't broken. My GOD do you know how much I want to have good sex?? As soon as I tense up to "finish" I have muscles spasms. We tried it twice, I can't handle the haunted look in his eyes when he thinks he hurt me.
He is working 24 hours a day, 12hrs at work, 6 at home taking care of the house, and 6 waking up and helping me through my pain. He is only 28. He should have a vivacious wife, that loves to please him, that makes dinner or works, so that he doesn't have to work so hard.
You know he put me through school? It's my turn to put him through school now. Instead he is working a labor job for crap money while I wait for him to come home.
I hate my life. I was so excited to see Eclipse last night. I ended up having to take a pain pill and now I can't remember the movie. We used all our spare money to have a date night and I can't remember it. He is working a 16 hr day today on 2 hrs sleep and I CAN'T REMEMBER!
I'm sorry, I don't know what I expect, posting this on here. I was looking for suicide prevention chat room and I ended up here.
I certainly know that I don't have the worst diagnosis, or the worst life. But I really want my old life back please. I didn't appreciate it enough when I had it, I promise I'll do better this time.

Retired Mom
Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 6/30/2010 8:51 AM (GMT -6)   
First, I want to welcome you here.  You are not alone.  This is a board of wonderful people who will provide you with the support you need so that you can have a "release valve" from your painful days. 
I see that you are having serious problems with your memory and found that I was doing the same thing....and it kept getting worse week by week until the answer was found.  Everybody said it was the medicine or something after my surgery (back surgery), but it ended up being damage to the pituatary gland from a car accident with a friend.  The air bag hit me in the side of the head....otherwise that accident wasn't very serious (except to the car and the telephone pole).  Anyway, the endocrinologist (a very good one) asked a lot of questions and took some looks at my stomach and my facial hair (said I have a fuzzy face....but not dark hair face) and purple/red stretch marks...alot.  He decided to do a stim test for human growth hormone and it turns out that that problem with my memory was the fact that I had no HGH production.  I'm on shots now and the memory (and honestly the complaining at home) is SO MUCH BETTER now.  I still have chronic pain for many other reasons and alot of other conditions, but improving my brain function made other things better.  You can read up on the condition by looking into the medication Nutropin AQ (this is the one I use) or Norditropin is another.  It may have nothing to do with your situation, but it's worth looking in to.
I'm not familiar with the treatment you are receiving, but I'm sure some others here will be and will be by to offer support. 
I hope you find the answers and the support you so deserve.
Best to you!
Retired Mom

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 6/30/2010 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Angelemie , Welcome to our family , I'm so very sorry to hear about your accident and subsequent issues relaing to it . You are most welcome here , it was a very , very challenging event you have had to endure . Are you receiving physical therapy and talking to a therapist regularly ? Your Husband sounds like a good man , but you've been dealt a difficult challenge , he should also get therapy to deal with the emotional issues that are naturally occurring to you both .You may both have to mourn the loss of the life you had , and commit to making the best of this new life . I implore you to get therapy for the emotional side of this challenge , a professional can help guide you thru the feelings you both are having about your stuation . I again welcome you here and hope you'll post as often as you need to . You will receive support and caring and advice from the heart . I know its scary Angelemie , but your not alone anymore , this is a wonderful community of people who helped me get thru my most desperate issues , please give us the chance to help you too , reach out and we will reach out to you . Your Friend Mikel

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 6/30/2010 10:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Angelemie and welcome to the forums. I am so sorry to hear of how your car accident changed your life so drastically. It saddens me when I hear about people who were perfectly "normal" and then a sudden situation renders their lives completely differently in just a split second. You and your hubby have been dealt a real blow in your relationship and it's going to take a lot of work from both of you to keep things good between the two of you.

I wanted to ask a question and please forgive me if I'm being nosy, but what did you mean when you said "After the accident, I lost my sister, mother, father, best friend, and all my in laws." I really hope you don't mean physically, as in they passed away...that would be a tragedy larger than my mind could comprehend.

I agree with our dear Mikel that if you're not already seeing a psychologist or therapist to deal with the emotional issues you're going thru, you might want to consider it. You've got a lot to work thru and help like that would be valuable. Does your phone book have a section on community services, near the front? Many counsellors work on a sliding scale fee wise, based on your income, so it's worth looking into.

As for the physical issues, are you currently seeing a pain doctor? What kind of treatments are you getting (or are you?). Are you on any medication? There are many different things that can be tried to help you, so seeing a good doctor goes a long way in getting help. I don't know if you qualify for any kind of subsidies, or financial aid for appointments or medicine, but you might want to ask at your doctor's office or at the Emergency Room at your nearest hospital.

I know your life has changed completely Angelemie, and it's hard to accept how different things are now, but you do need to find a path to acceptance and learn to live with your new self. It is possible to do, and you'll find many, many people on these forums who have been through it, just like I have. Feel free to come here and vent away. If you ever truly feel suicidal, please contact the Hopeline - http://www.hopeline.com/

Conditions: Fibromyalgia, Severe Myofascial Pain, Chronic Pelvic Pain (with permanent muscle damage), Femoroacetabular Impingement (CAM and Pincer), Reynauds, IBS, Surgical Adhesions, Ophthalmic Migraines, Severe Hot Flashes (both Surgical Menopause and medication related), plus physically unable to vomit due to the Nissen, and I have extremely tiny veins with a lot of scar tissue...a joy when it comes to having to give blood or get an IV started

Surgeries: Appendix, Uterus, Nissen Fundoplication for GERD, Left Ovary, Gallbladder, Right Ovary, TVT

Medications: Oxycontin, Cesamet, Tramacet, Cymbalta, Flexeril and Clonidine plus Laxaday, Vitamin D and a Multi-Vitamin daily

White Beard
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3702
   Posted 6/30/2010 10:56 AM (GMT -6)   

Welcome to the Healing Well Chronic Pain Forum, There is a saying: " better late than never!" I think that really applies to you finding this forum! Unfortunately we can not fix you but we can give you our ears and listen to you, and we can and will share in your, pain, and grief, and frustrations, and give you support. I think you will find some of the most caring and compassionate people there is, right here at this forum! Here at this forum we all know what it is like to suffer from chronic pain, and what it can do to our lives! It is not unusual to feel that you have lost all your family and friends when you suffer from chronic pain, it is hard for people that do not have it, to understand and relate to those that do, and because of that, we often end up isolating our selves from everyone, and that is a very loney place to be! You have come to the right place Angelmie, here I think you will find that you have found a new family, a family that cares, and understands and above all can empathize with you! When you come here you are nolonger alone! So vent your frustrations, let us help share in your burden , and hopefully lighten the load that is weighing down on you so heavily! We are here for you!! We all help and support each other here, I know I consider the people here my family, I hope that you will feel that way too! I also would like to add I know all to well what it is like being a nurse, and then find that you are nolonger able to take care of others, it is very very very hard to come to grips with! I think you might be surprised to find out how many other nurses are here at this forum! Again I want to weldome you! I hope you stick around and become an active member of our family here.

I do wish you all the best!

White Beard

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 6/30/2010 11:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Angel Emie,

Good morning! My name is Dani and it is very nice to meet you! I am so glad you could join us here at the Chronic Pain form in the Healing Well Community. I think you will find it is a fun, relaxing environment to be in. A place where you can be yourself and not worry about what others think. Since we are all in the same boat, so to speak, many of the barriers you find out in the world do not exist here. I can tell you will fit right in with us.

It is oddly ironic that you bring up the loss of something so important in your life. I was just emailing a friend this morning talk about this same thing. You know, I never have had "family" in the traditional DNA biological sense (my friends are my "family" and my children). Well, I did many many years ago. But I had to leave them behind, for my safety, so I could live and be a part of the world. Very seldome do I miss what I never had. But, I am convinced that it is VERY different to loose what you once had. Than it is to never have had it atall. I am so sorry you have lost so many important loved ones. I am so sorry your heart is aching for them. I wish there were something I could do or say to make the pain in your heart hurt less. But, please know that we are here. Anytime you need to talk about it, even if you only need a someone hear you out.

One thing I can assure you though, is that you will need others like you. What I mean is, noone, and I mean noone, no matter how much you love or loved them will be able to come close to understanding what you are going through. The only people who will be able to relate to you or give the type of support you need, is "support groups" online, or in local community center. It is an essential part of "chronic pain / illness/ disability". Also, I would encourage you to seek out the aide of pain psychologist. When my spinal deformity began 3 years ago, when I was 27 I faced many many challenges. I had to seek the help of a pain psychologist. They can help you in so many ways. Rebuild you, from the floor up. Mentally, physically, emotionally and socially.

You know, I know how you feel about your husband. I really do. My husband and I were ready to start our lives in the beginning. It was like FINALLY! Lets get the show on the road. But then when I became ill 3 years ago (I have primary progressive levoscoliosis - T10 to SI and secondary dextroscoliosis T5 - T9 'termed genetic progressive'.), I felt horrible. I couldnt work, help support us. My husband works a 12h spit shift. I have no family. I always said, "I'm sorry you were stuck with me", constantly the first year. Then one day I was crying, mad, had a rotten day, they told me they wernt sure what was going on but that I had begun a progressive spinal deformity. They werent sure the cause. Wernt sure if I would ever be better. Sent me to a psychologist and I was mouring the loss of the old me. Trying hard to grasp that *this* was me. This progressive disability. This mind boggling burdon on those around me. Noone to call for support, or help.. I mean just a really bad, rotten, realization and mourning day! The pitts!

...and my husbands face got bright red and he screamed at me "I LOVE YOUR SOUL NOT YOUR BODY! DON T YOU SEE THAT?!?! Stop putting me down. I dont just work to pay your bills, I work to take care of us! I work to show you how much I love you! Stopp tossing my hard work aside the moment you get depressed just because you are angry at the world!!!!"
...then he stormed out.

He was right you know. Your husband is right too. He loves you. And everytime he walks out the door, scared that something might happen while he is gone... working to take care of you... showing you love the most basic way he can.... he really does care. It isnt you against the world. It is you and your husband, against the world. Together you can move mountians.

..But you need to begin the process of mouring the "old you" with guidance. A psychologist to show you step by step how to do it and guide you through each stage. Someone to help you to re-build the "new you". So that you can beging your new life. Learning and experiencing life as the new you.

Im sorry, to ramble on so much. I get chatty on wednesdays because it is my "me day", my "lazy day". I do hope you are able to get some rest. Try to relax as much as you can. Please, stay strong! KNow you are in our hearts and prayers here.

*warm hugg*

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 6/30/2010 12:09 PM (GMT -6)   
   Now some of what you said was... a bit of a worry. 
You Said ~~> ."......I'm sorry, I don't know what I expect, posting this on here. I was looking for suicide prevention chat room and I ended up here.
I certainly know that I don't have the worst diagnosis, or the worst life. But I really want my old life back please. I didn't appreciate it enough when I had it, I promise I'll do better this time....."
It is okay. There is help for too. Just need to reach out to the right places.
Here are some helpful links~~~~~>
Or you call call the hotline~~~~~>



Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
Chronic Pain Moderator

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 594
   Posted 6/30/2010 1:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Angel Emie, First of all welcome to our family, however I am so sorry for the things that have brought you here! I love having more friends here but I hate it when I know that we have gained a new member because of pain!! Please know that the people here are amazing! I am pretty new here, also, and at first I was not sure what I was looking for. I have never found so many caring and understanding people!! Dani was so right about how important it is to find people who truly understand what you are going through! I am older then you, but I am on my second marriage and have only been married for 5 years. My husband is incredible and we had an amazing, fun life planned and then I hurt my back. I have had chronic back pain with nerve impingement for 3 years and just found out that I have RA and need some more tests to see what I have with it,because the positive result on the blood test was way too high. I told my husband, who is 7 years younger then me, that we needed to get a divorce. That my life was ruined, but I loved him too much to ruin his! He also got mad and said...."You are my life, Beckey! I got married for better or worse and we can and will get through this together!" I understand the lack of intimacy, also! We had a very active sex life and now it seems like I hurt too much to even care, and I know that is wearing on my husband! This place is a safe place....we can not fix you or give you medical advice......we are not therapists and I, also. would recommend talking to one....and we are not marriage counselors...but we can and DO listen and are happy to share our experiences! Somehow it helps, when you can help someone else....even if it is just to make their day a LITTLE easier! Just knowing that you will NEVER be alone in this fight with chronic pain is very comforting. Please, take care of yourself and seek the help you need! Please keep coming back here, we love to have our family grow....no matter how dysfunctional we are! Please know that you have people here that really do care and understand!!

Again Welcome and take care of you!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 6/30/2010 3:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Everyone else here has given you a lot of good advise for you to consider and I'd like
to mention that maybe a good Multi-Vitamin might help with your memory, and getting
a good pain management psychologist might help as your not seeing the good things
in life anymore...a car accident can turn your life upside down in so many ways and
there are ways to cope that you'll have to learn...but for now sounds like you need a good doctor
to help...Please listen to what the others have mentioned as they've given some great advise...
This is a great place for support...
lots of soft healing Hugz...
Pain can be aggravaited when certain vitamin are lacking in our diets and many of us here are very low on vitamin D
so that was just something to consider! and melatonin can help with sleep...of course medicines help in conjunction
just trying to help...

New Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/1/2010 3:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow, I am so very overwhelmed. Thank you. I will answer everyone's posts and questions, but I need some time. Please don't give up on my I will answer. Perhaps just not as quick as you all were!
Again I can't tell you how much this means to me, thank you all.
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