I know to a "normal" person this would sound totally ridiculous, but I am sure to all of you, well, you will get it.
My mind is active, my soul is down but allright, it is just my darn body!!!
I feel like the only time I am free is when I am sleeping. I dream of doing things that I can not do right now. I want to do them. I actually sometimes get really jealous of people, flitting around with no pain, complaining about everything.
I feel if I could just stay in bed, with my mind connected to a robot so I could go to work, and wash my car, and mow the grass. Well, really the machine would be doing it but I would control it. I could live throgh the robot.
Is that stupid?
I don't know. I just don't even know who I am anymore. I am a completely different person than I was before this whole thing started.
It's been a year and a half.
A year and a half of my life, wasted.
I am tired.
Tired of laying on the couch, tired of wasting time, tired of complaining, tired of crying, tired of wanting to do things, tired of feeling guilty, tired of praying, tired of hoping, tired of feeling sorry for myself...
Just tired of this.