You know, I really wasn't going to say anything on this board today, but this is the ... posts" so I will.
Sometimes, just reading the post that other people wrote is helpful. I don't feel so alone.
I feel bad for them, and I don't understand why it has to be like this for so many of us.
I am alone. I purposely avoid talking to people now because of the "how are you question."
Why do people evn ask anyway? They dont want to know. They only want to hear it's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine.
What do you tell people when this is the worst time of your life to date? You just smile and say, "oh I'm fine"
I pretty much even do it with family now too. They don't understand and they don't care to either.
Everything is wrong with my life and it is all my fault. It is my fault because I should be stronger than the pain and be able to fight it off like a real man and move on with my life, but I can't.
The only person I have left is my wife. This has taken such a toll on her that we have fallen apart as well. I don't know why. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm an awful person. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe it's all in my head.
But most of all, maybe I am being punished by god for doing something wrong. Maybe this is what I get for doing something in my past. I wish I knew what it was. I am ashamed to say I am tired of praying. Either god is not hearing me or he doesn't care either.
Maybe I will go to hell for saying that, or even thinking it, but sometimes I do.
I am angry. Sometimes I am angry at god. I am angry that things have to be this way. I am angry at people for not having chronic pain, for not understanding Cp.
That is awful to say too, but I can't help it.
I look over at the person in the car next to me and wonder what their life is like.
Wonder why it can't be me. Wonder why I just can't be me.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I am different. I am bitter and intolerant.
I am guilty, ashamed, and jealous.
I feel ashamed to even be alive. A total waste of space, and nobody cares.
Maybe she could marry a real person and have a real life.
Maybe I am dead.
Maybe it is being slowly isolated from all your friends and family until you are totally alone.
A hermit, in pain for all of eternity.
I need help. Nobody can help me. Nobody cares. Maybe if I fake a serious mental disorder they can just lock me up and my wife can move on with her life.
I think I have a serious mental disorder.
Forgive me lord, for I am lost and wandering alone in the dark.
I don't know where to go or what to do anymore lord.
Post Edited By Moderator (Chutz) : 8/9/2011 11:18:20 PM (GMT-6)