I am tired of sleepless nights, struggling to get the simplest things done, and telling my sons and fiance that I can't do that today. There is a thief living among us all, stealing our sleep, our relationships, our self-esteem, and happiness. Some days are better than others, some days are torturous. I can keep the thief at bay temporarily, but eventually it returns.
It doesn't want my money, although I've spent everything I have trying to keep it out of arms reach. It doesn't want the stuff I have in my home, or my car, or anything else money can buy. It wants my life. It wants to eat me alive, take everything that makes me unique and special and twist it into something completely unrecognizable as me.
During the day it is easier to keep this thief at bay, especially when I've had a decent night's sleep, good pain control and I feel close to human. But at night, when the only company I have is pain, the computer or book, and the sounds of everyone sleeping peacefully, I am reminded that the problem is me.
I don't feel anymore that the pain itself is a terrible thing. It is the way it affects every aspect of life that is terrible. When I can no longer see the goodness in myself and feel that my family doesn't need my help because I don't do anything anyway, I get angry. Not at the pain itself, or the doctors who didn't listen, or the nasty people who look at me funny when they hear I am a stay at home mom, but at myself. I allow it to invade every part of my life, I don't know how not to. Psychologists help, but what do I do when my yearly amount of visits have run out and there are four more months left in the year?
Fighting a silent thief is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Is there such a thing as harmony with the thief called pain?
Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, and adhesions.