I remember the nights that I used to fall into bed exhausted from work, home and family. Those are nonexistent now. As I am sure all of you have as well, most nights are broken sleep at best, some have no rest at all. This is the time for me when all my doubts start to surface, the moments where I wonder what my future will be like. What will my wedding day be like, and will I even be able to walk down the aisle that day?
So I make plans. I write in my journal in the wee hours of the morning, or have my laptop in bed and do whatever strikes my fancy at the time. At times it helps to focus me so that I can sleep, at others it simply makes me worry and doubt more. This morning I have something specific to worry about. Yesterday, I joined my friend in becoming a Mary Kay consultant. My fiance and I discussed it, and since so much of it can be done from home, and I had a great response from friends and neighbors for orders from my friend, we thought I could give it a try and be successful. My goals are small ones. Bringing in a little extra money a month, making women smile and the teens that I know see that they can be beautiful without hiding their skin with lots of makeup. Nothing big. My fiance even has planned out how he will do the driving for the bank, and take me on my deliveries if I have any that week. Bottom line is that I have hope. I have my transcription school, but that is a lonely thing and a very solitary job. For someone who has always been a social butterfly, this chronic pain has kept me home and lonely. Maybe this will be a way to decrease my loneliness and make a little extra on the way.
Then come the doubts. What if I fail? What if I fall far below my meager expectations of myself? These are no surprise to me, because when my mother was at my party, and my friend expressed her wish to work with me which caught me by surprise, my mother had a response of course! It was something to the effect that I would be wonderful at it, since I love to talk, but wouldn't it be better to find someone who was normal and could work harder than I can? I am sure she didn't mean it as an insult, but it sounded like she thinks I will fail. After thinking about it, I cant ever recall my mother being supportive over even my successful ventures, like a full time job. Then I wasnt spending enough time with my boys, was neglecting my home, etc. It was so bad I even thought that the small investment in this was wasted on me since there was no way to be a success with this pain. My fiance and friends all banded together to help me realize that success isnt measured by the amount of money you make or by being better than everyone else, it is finding that you are doing what you love to do and making a difference in your life.
For the first time in my life I have supportive people who can find positive things to say about me. Those wonderful words made me cry, but helped me see that if I don't try anything new, nothing will change and that there is nothing wrong with having small goals and measuring your success by your happiness, not the dollar amount that you achieve.
Words aren't adequate here for the supportive friends I have found on this site, as well as in my daily life. I no longer feel like there is no hope. There is a possibility of success even without a job simply by taking care of yourself and doing things that make you happy. If I dont make money and find that it is too hard for me to do, then there is nothing wrong with that. I have made a small investment in my happiness and that is enough!
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw
Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, adhesions, and a kidney stone! Wait, future medial transcript
ionist I must say ureteral calculus!