1:48 AM and sleep is elusive

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 8/23/2010 1:18 AM (GMT -6)   
I remember the nights that I used to fall into bed exhausted from work, home and family. Those are nonexistent now. As I am sure all of you have as well, most nights are broken sleep at best, some have no rest at all. This is the time for me when all my doubts start to surface, the moments where I wonder what my future will be like. What will my wedding day be like, and will I even be able to walk down the aisle that day? sad
So I make plans. I write in my journal in the wee hours of the morning, or have my laptop in bed and do whatever strikes my fancy at the time. At times it helps to focus me so that I can sleep, at others it simply makes me worry and doubt more. This morning I have something specific to worry about. Yesterday, I joined my friend in becoming a Mary Kay consultant. My fiance and I discussed it, and since so much of it can be done from home, and I had a great response from friends and neighbors for orders from my friend, we thought I could give it a try and be successful. My goals are small ones. Bringing in a little extra money a month, making women smile and the teens that I know see that they can be beautiful without hiding their skin with lots of makeup. Nothing big. My fiance even has planned out how he will do the driving for the bank, and take me on my deliveries if I have any that week. Bottom line is that I have hope. I have my transcription school, but that is a lonely thing and a very solitary job. For someone who has always been a social butterfly, this chronic pain has kept me home and lonely. Maybe this will be a way to decrease my loneliness and make a little extra on the way.
Then come the doubts. What if I fail? What if I fall far below my meager expectations of myself? These are no surprise to me, because when my mother was at my party, and my friend expressed her wish to work with me which caught me by surprise, my mother had a response of course! It was something to the effect that I would be wonderful at it, since I love to talk, but wouldn't it be better to find someone who was normal and could work harder than I can? I am sure she didn't mean it as an insult, but it sounded like she thinks I will fail. After thinking about it, I cant ever recall my mother being supportive over even my successful ventures, like a full time job. Then I wasnt spending enough time with my boys, was neglecting my home, etc. It was so bad I even thought that the small investment in this was wasted on me since there was no way to be a success with this pain. My fiance and friends all banded together to help me realize that success isnt measured by the amount of money you make or by being better than everyone else, it is finding that you are doing what you love to do and making a difference in your life.
For the first time in my life I have supportive people who can find positive things to say about me. :-) Those wonderful words made me cry, but helped me see that if I don't try anything new, nothing will change and that there is nothing wrong with having small goals and measuring your success by your happiness, not the dollar amount that you achieve.
Words aren't adequate here for the supportive friends I have found on this site, as well as in my daily life. I no longer feel like there is no hope. There is a possibility of success even without a job simply by taking care of yourself and doing things that make you happy. If I dont make money and find that it is too hard for me to do, then there is nothing wrong with that. I have made a small investment in my happiness and that is enough!
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw

Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, adhesions, and a kidney stone! Wait, future medial transcriptionist I must say ureteral calculus!

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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 8/23/2010 1:42 AM (GMT -6)   
  Dear Mom , I hear you sleep is elusive for me right now too , so why not say hi to a friend and offer support ? You really sound like your thinking well and clearly , despite findind sleep elusive .Your so right that its not about money , Money can't by health or happiness or true friendship and caring . Its so great you , yourself have found those things on your own , by being yourself . That is sucess for sure !   I was looking for those same things and found the gold mine of caring and friendship that we call HW .Its so wonderful , I'm glad your here , try to rest even if you don't sleep , your doing so well , great job Mom !!!Your Friend Mikel   P.S. Writing in a journal is an awesome way to help yourself and organize your thoughts ! Once again , way to go !!
HIV+. meds - epzicom, Kaletra . oxycontin as needed , indothemiacin . hip replacement surgery scheduled for August 23rd !

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 605
   Posted 8/23/2010 5:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mom,
Right along with you and its 3:06 am here.  Dont be so hard on yourself.  Its funny how we think nothing that our moms say or do matters but if its critical seems moms opinion can hurt more then you think it can.  Im not a young woman anymore or at least I dont feel like I am.  Hit the big 50 just a month or so ago.  I think so much time has gone by.  How did I ever get to be 50 yrs old!!! I remember thinking 50 was soooo old when I was a teen.  I think Ive spent so much time of wasted years trying so hard to make sure that my better halfs(and I say halfs because Ive gone through a few long term affairs in my life)were happy and secure that somewhere in it all Ive lost myself.  I try hard at making my daughter happy and her 4 children happy and I have always been a loyal person in my childs and grandchildrens and Moms and brothers life.  I am right there for everyone,anytime in anyway I can be.  I feel like my time is running out and I have never done the things I wanted to in life.  My mom is in her 70's and still can make me feel so small.  My own daughter talks to me like Im some young kid who doesnt know what shes doing.  I cant sleep because I have so many thoughts running through my head,sometimes I feel like its all coming at me too fast. Your not alone Mom. I guess its nice to know someone else thinks too much lol.  It sounds to me like you have a whole lifetime to makes the right choices.  You have time on your side.  Your going to do just fine Mom.  Its not too late do the things in life that make YOU happy.  And who knows maybe its not too late for me either......
Mom of one gramma to 4 lover to One
Fibromyalgia,IBS,Stroke x3,endometriosis,Diabetes type 2,neuropathic pain,high blood pressure,severe nausea,atrophy,chronic pain,over 30 surgeries,torn hip joint,hypoglycymic

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 8/23/2010 6:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Mikel, thank you!  Healingwell has changed the way I view my life and myself with all the wonderful people here. It is great to hear that when I feel I am not thnking clearly and at my worst, there are people who understand.
And Karen, I am sorry for the way your daughter treats you. I know there are many times that I feel that way about my mother, but there are also many more moments that her love and acceptance mean so much more. It isnt too later for any of us, no matter how old or young we are. Life doesn't stop with illness or pain, we just need to modify the way we look at the world and do things.
I forgot to add last night that one kidney stone has passed, and one more to go! YAY! I am halfway there!
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw

Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, adhesions, and a kidney stone! Wait, future medial transcriptionist I must say ureteral calculus!

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16799
   Posted 8/23/2010 12:01 PM (GMT -6)   
MM I think it is great that you would like to be a MK consultant. First off you pick your hours, you pick your time to work, that way you can work around your bad days. It is never too late to try new things, never. What is important is you are wanting to do something productive and this is something necessary for people with CP. So many times we think ours lives are over, well usually our first one is, but we need to rebuild a second one and we have to start somewhere. With motivation and determination it can be done. You still have a brain and very good head on your shoulders and use it.

I am sorry that your mother does not support you that is sad. I am a mother of two grown children and I have always supported my kids no matter what, even if I did not totally agree with them, I always supported them. They also know how proud of them I am too. That is so important. But, I also instilled a work ethic in them as well. As a result I have two adults that are making their way in this crazy world.

I don't know how to tell you to come to terms with your mother. Only thing I can tell you is, there are some people in this world that we just cannot satisfy no matter what we do and recognize them for this defect and keep moving forward. Do not let it bring you down. I can assure you, it is not you or what you do, it is a flaw of your mothers. Bet you never thought of it that way.

Take care care and go for the MK selling.

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