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Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 9/26/2010 1:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
 
I've been away for a few days and missed quite a bit (thank goodness....I think).  Anyway, I noticed that you have taken charge of three children with serious difficulties and are having quite a challenge. 
 
First, I want to say that you (and your girlfriend) are quite wonderful people to do this (despite how you must feel at times).  The children must have been through a great deal and are certainly going to be a handfull.  I can't even imagine what your lives must be like right now.  I have two step-children that were raised in a very differnt lifestyle than my child (and my family).  The visits from the children often brought us to many arguments and still do sometimes (even though one is grown and the other almost there).  I find that the different personalities and the different backgrounds make for such a stressful situation.  Your situation must be even more difficult because the children are not even closely related to you and suffer from a double dose of parental neglect or disinterest.  If social services placed them with you, there must have been some very serious problems going on.
 
Please take the time to spend some alone time with your girlfriend and to get the children into a schedule as much as possible until this father is made to step up to the plate.  Perhaps he has something that we cannot understand going on with the military, but either way, he has made some very poor decisions and the children will suffer for them.
 
I'm not making this post to bash parents who have problems, but to say that I think you and your girlfriend are very special and giving people.  Please do not feel bad about yourselves if you have negative thoughts right now.  You're doing the best you can and no matter what frustrations you may feel, these children need you.  I have no idea why you were tasked with this, but I do know that you are doing the best you can.
 
I will have you and your "family" in my thoughts and prayers!
Retired Mom

grainofsalt
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 9/26/2010 3:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you very much retired mom for your support.

I have a lot to say about this but this topic is draining for me right now so I'll try to keep it short. We are hoping to convince the father to arrive back in MD by friday to reclaim custody of the children. Friday is the date of my second radio frequency nuerotomy. Now, the first procedure only took about 5 days to recover from, but I remember hardly being able to get in a car the first two days, sleeping a lot, and the swelling that occured and made me miserable on the 3rd and 4th days before finally clearing up for a good recovery around day 5. Not to sound selfish but having 3 young children with behavioral issues isn't good for my recovery. The issue is that my girlfriend said she wouldn't let them interfere with my health and now shes feeling guiltly because I promised her to watch them until October 15th originally and now I am telling her we can only watch them until the 1st.

The biggest issue is that my girlfriend's mother (the childrens grandma, age 48) has decided to "take in" the neglectful mother. I can partially understand this because the neglectful mother is her daughter, but in doing so, she is abandoning my girlfriend AKA her other daughter. My girlfriends mother told her "I can't watch the kids like I promised (her mother promised that if this were to ever happen, she would take temp custody of 2 of the children, and we would take custody of 1 of the children)" By her taking in the mother, she legally cannot have the 3 children at her residence. This pretty much leaves the only hope for the kids with the father, and hes shown only lukewarm interest in trying to come home and see his children. Hes talked to them twicw by phone in the past 2 weeks, thats all. Hes a WUSS! A coward who runs away from any confrontation, and a real mommas boy. The other thing that is really getting to me is that my girlfriend is defending her borther in law "ohhh give him a chance" and "you cant pressure him or he will run away". Its not the kids fault and they are not what is hurting us. Its her family that is hurting us. As for time alone I think weve had about 3 hours in the past 2 weeks. We need to try and make more alone time, I agree. A babysitter fell through on several occasions, so that really hurt us as well, and family isn't stepping in to help us out either.

I will take good care of these children while I have them, but I am unsure what's going to happen after friday. I hope the father lives up to his adult hood, I really do.
 
One more thing. The other thing that really chaps my skin is that the grandmother is also defending her daughters neglect of the kids...."ohh shes sick and has a mental illness". Again I can understand the family trying to protect family but how dare her protect a neglectful unfit mother!

Again, thank you retired mom.
MRI revealed a bulging disc w/gel lost at L5 and showed the bulge touching nerves, causing sciatica. Diagnosed w/ Arthritis which is responsible for joint inflamation pain. Treatment: Nucynta 50-150 mgs every 6 hours (schedule II narcotic, Mu Opoid agonist and NE reuptake inhibitor), Celebrex 100 mgs, Klonopin .5, Epidurals, Radio Freq nuerotomy (sept 8th, 2010)

Post Edited (grainofsalt) : 9/26/2010 2:55:47 PM (GMT-6)


grainofsalt
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 10/5/2010 1:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Retired Mom,

I wanted to let you know that the procedure Friday went well. Pain levels were only mild to moderate on Friday and Saturday, although sunday night and most of Monday they shoot up to the moderate severe range, and hit about a level 8 a few times. The area increased in swelling at this time but has since decreased again, and the pain levels are down again as well (back to the moderate range). I was able to return to work today, but I'm trying to to take it too hard as I'm only working 6 hours, 1/2 of my normal office shift.

As for the kiddies, 1 of my girlfriend's relatives took to 3 year old so now we are only watching 2 of them, the 18 month and 4 year old, so that was 1 piece of good news. The plan was to turn them over to social services this past Friday beofre my procedure but Thursday evening, the kids father called and stated that he did plan on coming to pick the kids up on wednesday after his emergency leave was approved, so we held onto custody. Well Sunday, he stated the date had to be pushed back to Saturday. Turns out he cancelled his emergency leave as the unit was getting a 4 day weekend starting this comming friday and that he was going to pick up the kids and take them with him to Georgia. At the current time, he STILL does not have any actual plane ticket or definate mode of transportation.

His parents have stated they will not be able to help out in this situation. My girlfriend's mom is still watching the kids mother, so theres little help coming from that side as well. I have agreed to allow the kids to stay until the end of this weekend. If he does not show up to follow through with his promise, they will be turned over to social services monday. The date has been pushed back several times now. What really angers me is my girlfriend's continued defense of this guy, which ive been really trying to keep my comments to myself but last night after she told me "I don't want to call him because its too late" (it was only 930pm and we were waiting for a response after we let him know wed be willing to watching them till friday) was the last straw. We got into it last night, a nice arguement for about an hour. We made up today, but I can tell this is going to have a lasting impact. There was more that triggered the arguing than just that ofcourse. The father did respond back to tell me "he couldn't afford a plane ticket" and "that he was upset that I called his chain of command". Well, he was deployed, and he should have been coming back with some sort of savings, even with having the kids. Their mother was living with almost no rent and had access to base doctors, base daycare, ect. Ofcourse with being the neglectful mother she, the kids were never put into daycare, and she spent almost all his money. The father is a blind idiot! If he can't afford a plane ticket, in an emergency situation like this, he could have accessed the emergency army relief fund. Furthermore, there's Army One Source that could have helped him, but ofcourse he let his personal pride and cowardice step in the way. The fact that hes angry that his chain of command was contacted via red cross message shows exactly what kind of soldier he is. He got in trouble while he was deployed, and I can see why now. An E4 specialist hiding behind the sham shield as usual.

If you want to have 5 kids and you can absolutely take care of them with a good support network then by all means go for it, but we are talking about an army guy who refused to get a vasectame because "it was an insult to his manhood, and POP 2 more kids came out.
MRI revealed a bulging disc w/gel lost at L5 and showed the bulge touching nerves, causing sciatica. Diagnosed w/ Arthritis which is responsible for joint inflamation pain. Treatment: Nucynta 50-150 mgs every 6 hours (schedule II narcotic, Mu Opoid agonist and NE reuptake inhibitor), Celebrex 100 mgs, Klonopin .5, Epidurals, Radio Freq nuerotomy (sept 8th, 2010)

Post Edited (grainofsalt) : 10/5/2010 12:54:11 PM (GMT-6)


Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 10/5/2010 6:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello again GrainofSalt,

I'm happy that your procedure went well and that you are able to return to work, even if it is part time for now.

I know people do not always understand how difficult life can be when unexpected children arrive on your doorstep. I still say you are doing a good job and should not feel bad about wanting the father to step up to the plate. This is, at this point, unlikely however, and does not look like it is going to work out in the best interest of the children. I can certainly not tell you what to do in such a situation. The children are so young that they require 24/7 care. Perhaps adoption by parents who could give them that love and care would be best. Social services is not always the best place for children and can be horrible for some, but it may get the ball rolling so to speak. I love children and I feel deeply for those who have been neglected and abused. They have so much to overcome and need homes where they are wanted and loved....perhaps even more than the children of people like us who love ours more than our own lives.

It is in this thought pattern that I again applaud you for what you have done, but suggest that you may need to calmly address the issue a little more in depth with your girlfriend. These children need more than you can give at this time and if daddy and mamma are incapable of giving them that, then perhaps they would be willing to relinquish their parental rights. So many families would give the world to adopt young children like this and would give them the medical care, the love, and the guidance they will need to overcome what they have had to endure. You were not wrong to have the father notified. He is the father......and has a responsibility to his children. No matter what he decides, know that you have to do what is best for the children and that may not be living with you any longer.

All my best to you!
Retired Mom

grainofsalt
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 10/9/2010 8:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks again retired mom,

I wanted to give you an update on the situation. The father did come this morning to pick-up the children so our ordeal is finally over....sort of. I did have some reservations about the father taking custody of the kids because of his lack of responsibility, but at this point I do believe that this is in the best interest of the kids vs. social services atleast.

Finally Thursday evening he contacted us to tell us he was coming to pick up the kids on today. Obviously wednesday didnt happen, but better late then never. The date kept getting pushed back and he was keeping in good contact with us to keep us in the loop, until the very end. Thursday and Friday he did a good job in letting us know what was going on. Theres a lot to this story, and maybe one day ill get more into it, but the situation has been resolved for the time being.

The wife aka neglectful mother is pressing charges for non-support, so I have a feeling things will be ending up in court soon.

Thanks for your support RM. I agree 100 percent that these kids need 24/7 support, and hopefully the father will wake up and use the resources necessary to give those kids what they need.
MRI revealed a bulging disc w/gel lost at L5 and showed the bulge touching nerves, causing sciatica. Diagnosed w/ Arthritis which is responsible for joint inflamation pain. Treatment: Nucynta 50-150 mgs every 6 hours (schedule II narcotic, Mu Opoid agonist and NE reuptake inhibitor), Celebrex 100 mgs, Klonopin .5, Epidurals, Radio Freq nuerotomy (sept 8th, 2010)

Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 10/13/2010 7:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello GrainofSalt,

I just popped in and read your post a minute ago. I'm so happy the father stepped up. He has a lot of learning to do, but hopefully his parental instincts will kick in now that he has them with him. It really must be hard on him too.

I had a very strange "child" situation myself this past weekend and I'm wondering what your perspective is. It's really bothing me about this child. First, my daughter (just turned 11) has this friend she made at school just before we moved her into private school. The other girl is approximately the same age and had just moved into the area. My child helped her adjust to the other children and sadly the girls had to be separated because of our decision to go private. Anyway, the child came to my house for a weekend a month or so ago and was a joy to have around. She was SO grateful for the smallest things, but she acted somewhat withdrawn and a little reserved to me then. So the next weekend she was supposed to come back and her mother took off to another state without any notice. The child's grandmother wouldn't let her come, which I understand because she doesn't know us. Move on to last weekend, when she visited again for two nights. The mother is already planning another move to another state immediately, but the child is freaking out because they have moved 10 times in the 10 years of her life, sometimes more than once in a year. She let it slip that she had been in foster care for a while, but wouldn't give any specifics. She also talked about not knowing her "real" name because her mother won't let her see her birth certificate. She says she knows what state she was born in, but that's about it. It was really strange to me because she was a blond the first visit and a very dark brunette the second visit.

Ok, so on the second night we went to our camper at the lake so the girls could fish and play and I had cleared all this with mom in advance. Grandmom calls while we are getting KFC and talks to the child and wants her to come home because the dog won't eat without her. The little girl was really polite and asked if they had some chicken left over and could give her that because she really wanted to stay. She was really, really nice! She stayed, but apparently with a price.

Anyway, the very next morning early, I found out I had to have some skin cancer taken off within two hours and so I called to mom to see if the little girl could ride with us. Then she tells me the child is in major trouble for being so ugly to the grandmom on the phone last night. I tried to tell her that I was right there and the little girl was very polite and respectful, but to no avail. Then the little girl stopped speaking to everyone (including my daughter) and just zonned out....really strange! The mother shows up about 20 minutes later and has a fit wanting to know what the little girl had done to her hair and I tried to explain that the girls were filthy from playing outside (it's still really hot here) and that I had helped wash her hair outside (in a bathing suit) and I had put some conditioner in it because it was so dry on the ends. She was insane about it. It was just a little conditioner!

So now I'm thinking this kid is going through so much that I can't even imagine. I had given her a penny ring and she had polished it so much with a baby wipe that there were NO spots of dark left on the copper......that would take hours of polishing. She also wears every piece of "junk" jewelry I have given her (little girl things) every day and I have given her clothes that my child outgrew and she wears those every day. I think the mother is on meth because of the meth mouth and I wonder if I should be contacting someone to do something, but I don't know what to do or say.

Any opinions?
Retired Mom

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16788
   Posted 10/13/2010 1:58 PM (GMT -6)   
RM, this almost sounds like this little girl and her mother are on the run from maybe an ex husband/father. I doubt CPS would step in unless they felt abuse was going on. If they are moving again, she could be gone with the girl before CPS could get involved. It really makes a person wonder.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 10/13/2010 5:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Straydog,
 
I kind of felt like reporting something I'm not sure about would be a wrong move.  I don't think they are on the run from an old husband/boyfriend, because the mother is married to another man (truck driver) and there are some other children sort of sprinkled around.  Nobody has the same father.  One child is 18 and living in a far away state.  One is a year or so older than the little girl and is a MEAN little boy and the other is a very young boy.  Apparently the youngest belongs to the current step-father.  The girl also said she has found her father on facebook and has established a relationship on the computer, but that she only met him a couple of times several years ago.  Apparently he told her his girlfriend (now wife) said it's me or her and he chose the girlfriend/wife.  Perhaps it would be less strange if she were sure of her own last name.  She is using the same last name as the slightly older brother, but she doesn't think it is actually her name.
 
It is really strange to me.  I feel like they are running.....perhaps from authorities rather than other people.  I know she mentioned that there was so much drama in her family because several of her uncles had said what a bad mother she had.  There was no further discussion, so I don't have details.  She also said there were times when they had to bathe outside in some houses because there was no water or electricity and they would have to break the ice at times to get clean.  She was very strange about taking a bath the first time at my house and I had to insist that she bathe because she smelled like a dog from playing.  Once she was secure, all was better though.
 
I get this whole "flowers in the attic" feel about this thing and it just won't leave my mind (or my daughters).  If they haven't moved by this weekend, she wants to ask her over again and I would love to have her, but I'm kind of afraid about the situation.  I just honestly don't know what to do.
Retired Mom

couchtater
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 14475
   Posted 10/13/2010 6:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Something stinks in Denmark!
CPS should be called just for the water and electricity issues in the winter.
The behavor of the child and the family is suspicious. Call now!
Joy

Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 10/13/2010 9:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Ok.....so the problem blew up tonight. Mom called me crying saying that grandmom had broken her (mom's) toe and hurt her leg by slamming it in the door. The house they were trying to get "fell through" and she was getting a divorce. She didn't know who else to call in the area except her daughter's friend and wondered if we knew where she could get a tire changed this late. Of course, my husband agreed to change the tire (but couldn't get it to work because the spare was "locked" and couldn't be released.

The car was crammed full of junk and all three kids. Mom wasn't even limping and had on flip flops. The children were hungry and tired and supposed to ride about 7-8 hours tonight to get away from grandmom. The cell phone rang several times while she was here and she wouldn't talk in front of me, but I did hear her say that she had to get away tonight because her mother was going to try to take the kids from her.

I did not let the family in the house, but did let the little boy (2-3 yrs) in to use the bathroom and gave him something to eat. I also sent them a ton of snacks, appples, oranges, and apple sauce for the little boy with plastic utensils to eat them with. They were able to get the little dog, but had no food for him, so I gave them a very large bad of doggie chew treats I had just picked up this week and I sneeked a $10.00 bill into the little girl's hand and told her to put it away and not tell anybody.

When the mom realized the tire couldn't be fixed tonight and I told her that the tire was so damaged on the sidewall that it would likely burst on the interstate and roll the vehicle, she starting saying she would try to find somewhere to "hide out" tonight and have it fixed and leave in the morning. Naturally, we did not offer our home.

The only tears were from the mom and were contrived at best. There was no limp for pain. Excuses came out of every word and the children just sat there like knots on a log without causing any disruption. It was obvious they had seen this many times before.

I can only imagine this scenario as it must have really played out because I only know what I saw and what the child has shared with us. I honestly believe mom is a serious addict with too many problems to even imagine. She's got a horrible case of meth mouth and she has the smell I have always associated with heavy drug users. I worked in CJ for 20 years....it's not a surprise when you see it and you know the minute they open their mouth.

I feel so bad for the children! If I could report something I would, but I don't even know what to report. I don't really even know their names (except the first names and they could be made up). The last names are highly suspect. I feel like I should have done more. This child (all three really, but I know this one the best) breaks my heart. I gave her all I could (even a soft, warm jacket) before they drove off. I also told mom off to the side that I am not stupid and that she needs some help. I tried to direct her to an appropriate town that is within reasonable driving distance and has a great number of programs for people like her. She wasn't very receptive...since you know it was everyone's problem but hers.

This just makes me sick to my stomach! Those children don't deserve this! I don't think grandma is much better in some ways, but mom is a disaster and needs some serious help to fix these problems.

I'm so concerned for my own child now because she was so distraught about everything. The little girl made her promise to call the girls from the old school and tell them goodbye for her and my child took it upon herself to promise we would come get her wherever she was if she needed us. We can't legally do that and, althought I don't mind getting involved, I don't know exactly how in this instance. If I call someone, I can only tell them that a woman I met by the name of >>>>>>>> told me >>>>>>>>>and then left with what appear to be her natural chidren. I can give concerns, but they are not supported by anything but my gut feelings on this. There is absolutely no way CPS could touch it without knowing who was involved, what happended, and where they may have gone. I have no idea.

This is the life I had hoped to keep my child protected from......so now I will go lay down with her and try to help her deal with the loss of her friend and the situation she witnessed tonight.....

Wish me luck my friends!
Retired Mom

grainofsalt
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 215
   Posted 10/14/2010 5:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Retired Mom,

It could very well be a witness protection program deal, which is FBI run. There is a very strict set of rules that must be followed if that is the case. Pretty much its like the child and mom don't exist as they were, they have new identities, and that would explain the constant need to move, change hair coloring......to pretty much keep their cover.

Then again I've worked for uncle sam for too darn long......and still do :P

So my opinion is but a tiny grain of salt here.

It could very well be the mother trying to protect the child from other family members. In well to do families, its not uncommon for some family members to have mafiaso connections. Connections will to "keep tabs" on there whereabouts of a divorced wife.

I just don't sense child abuse here, I sense an identity cover of some type, but the reasons could be endless and there may or may not be involvement from authorities. Too hard to tell :/
MRI revealed a bulging disc w/gel lost at L5 and showed the bulge touching nerves, causing sciatica. Diagnosed w/ Arthritis which is responsible for joint inflamation pain. Treatment: Nucynta 50-150 mgs every 6 hours (schedule II narcotic, Mu Opoid agonist and NE reuptake inhibitor), Celebrex 100 mgs, Klonopin .5, Epidurals, Radio Freq nuerotomy (sept 8th, 2010)

Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 10/14/2010 7:42 PM (GMT -6)   
It turns out the whole thing got stranger today, but I did get some more info. Mom had to stay in town last night to get her tire fixed. The kids were with her this AM at the shop and then the police came in. Mom freaked because she thought they were after her. Turns out she has no licence, no valid tag and no insurance. Anyway, the guy was only there to have his truck fixed and stopped and spoke with me for a while. I ran in to him later and we talked a bit, but we both agreed that a mother can take her legal children anywhere she wants to. (I didn't report the license thing because they were already gone by that time and it was just opening another can of worms.)

The grandmother called me this afternoon....boy did I have things wrong. I knew Mom's story was "out there" but the grandmother explained things a little better and told us thank you for helping as much as we could. She was very emotional and explained that the mom is bi-polar and has these episodes on occasion. She also explained that Mom had been hospitalized very recently because of an overdose followed by alcohol (the weekend they cancelled the child's visit unexpectedly). Grandmom had never been mad with the little girl. It was all made up. The grandmom is aware of where mom is taking the kids and has been in constant contact with the person they are going to stay with tonight. She says this other person has been like a daughter to her and can calm her daughter down and get her back on her meds much better than anyone else. She also says the children are safe with this person, but that she is going to try to get some type of intervention for the children as soon as she gets an address (even though it is in another state).

I still think the mom is unfit, but it is beyond my abilitiy to do anything in this case. The little girl called my child for about 45 seconds a few minutes ago to say she would be at the friend's house in 30 minutes and they would look for a new home tomorrow.

I can only pray that these children are looked after and cared for. I will definitely contact someone if the little girl calls or writes asking for help. Until then, I guess the situation is out of my ability to help.

Drama, drama, drama.......I need a rest now after all of this. It makes the pain levels shoot up when the emotions get in turmoil. Bed time is just around the corner and I have my surgery consult tomorrow for my hands.
Retired Mom
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