Hi! First, I want to wish everyone that reads this, (if u deal with chronic pain) luck, love, & support. I have no idea why i'm on this site. If u knew me at all, u would not believe that i would be on a web site talking about my problems. I have always "coped" on my own; but now I think i'm at my wits end! I am just about to SNAP physically & mentally! And have no idea what 2 do.
I had a "ground breaking surgery", that did nerve damage & left scar tissue(thats grisseling). That was L/4 -L/5. The discs above and below that are bulged & I have degenerative disc disease. So where the damage & pressure is, it effects EVERYTHING below the waist. My right leg does what it wants. Cant feel most of my foot, and sometimes everything goes. So yes, I fall ALOT! And quite often it feels like someone is jabbing a knife in my butt cheek. And it also effects going 2 the bathroom. I'm 39 yrs. old & get 2 wear a brief(diaper) if i want 2 go somewhere. I also have arthritis in my back, neck, & hands. (At least I dont have 2 feel the pain in 4 of my fingers though; because after 1 of my trips down the stairs, I lost the feeling in the fingers in my right hand.) Who knows whats wrong there; & dont really care at this point. I'm also lucky enough 2 have high blood pressure, lung problems(have spent time in hospital on oxygen), & liver problems(this is what my doc. frets about). There is more but I'm sure you get what I'm going through. where as most of you seem to be.
My life has changed so much. I used to run heavy equipment. Front end loader mostly. I was what most people called a work-a-holic(80-100 hrs./week). But in actuality I was just working so that my wife didnt have to, the bills could be paid, and my wife & kids could go do whatever they wanted. Thats just the way I was brought up. You do whatever it takes to take care of your family. So to make the rest of this as quick as possible. I worked with my problems as long as I could. Until my dad sat me down and said,"enough is enough", you have nothing to prove. First it was hard enough not being able to work. As things got worse, health wise, the depression started setting in. I was feeling so useless. Then you add in that I cant do anything "fun" with my family anymore. Just getting out of bed(when I can sleep) and getting through the day is hard enough. Then add the depression, and for a family man as myself, having them put me to bed before they go do something(most of the time) just kills me. So already feeling like not even half the man I was, things start going bad in my marrige. Even when I try to explain whats going on, she didn't even want to listen. It was no good trying anyway; because you have to be going through it to understand it. So things get bad enough financially that she had to get a job. Thats when the annimosity started. Now, yesterday, she finally told me that as far as she's concearned, its over. I knew it was. She litterally has been treating me like crap for a long time now. 20 years, down the toilet! Wonderful! Now I get to start over and i can baely take care of myself. Half the time I cant get to the bathroom by myself, which is right next to my room. So I dont need to tell you how hard it is for me to do a full daily routine by myself.
Please, I'm not looking for sympathy or pitty. Again, if you knew me, you'd be suprised that I was even on here. I just couldnt believe when I found this website, (very first one i looked at)if that wasnt a sign. Not only was everyone truely caring and compasionate, I could tell, by reading several posts, that most on here are truely living with chronic pain & the misery of life that goes along with it. I know this is long; but I have several years of pain, anguish, & depression I HAD to get out. In actuallity(sadly) this could of been much longer. Hopefully I can suck up my pride and get myself to come on and chat with you wonderful folks.
I send my very best wishes to everyone, Brad