I am beginning to wonder if the bad days are so numerous and severe so that I appreciate the rare day that is good for the entire day.
I never see myself as a good person. Good people don't lay in bed all day, feeling like there is nothing left for them in life except their family. Good people don't put themselves first and their kids and spouse last. My mother taught my sisters and I to keep our problems and complaints to ourselves, so we would not be burdens or bother other people. She taught us that GOOD people don't need others for help, or to listen, they are the helpers and listeners. Added to that lovely lesson have been years of reinforcement that we are not important enough for her affection, her time, her listening. My mother spent years of living only for herself, with her daughters as an afterthought. So I guess I overcompensate with my family by always being available to help, listen, or simply provide a hand or remind them they are loved.
So I learned in years of counselling that my mother was wrong. We are all worthy of love and help. So why do I still feel as though I am not good enough for my family and that this pain is punishment for burdening and bothering others. The pain renders me helpess and useless some days, which makes me feel hopeless. Does anyone else experience this constant struggle of feeling good about themselves?
The day just seems like it is insurmountable. I even sit here pausing thinking that I will be bothering everyone here with my constant complaining. Nothing captures my attention anymore, and things I loved to do are lying around waiting for my interest to come back. I know it will eventually, I just don't understand why I got here in the first place.