Severely depressed

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Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 11/12/2010 7:34 AM (GMT -6)   
I am beginning to wonder if the bad days are so numerous and severe so that I appreciate the rare day that is good for the entire day.
 
I never see myself as a good person. Good people don't lay in bed all day, feeling like there is nothing left for them in life except their family. Good people don't put themselves first and their kids and spouse last. My mother taught my sisters and I to keep our problems and complaints to ourselves, so we would not be burdens or bother other people. She taught us that GOOD people don't need others for help, or to listen, they are the helpers and listeners. Added to that lovely lesson have been years of reinforcement that we are not important enough for her affection, her time, her listening. My mother spent years of living only for herself, with her daughters as an afterthought. So I guess I overcompensate with my family by always being available to help, listen, or simply provide a hand or remind them they are loved.
 
So I learned in years of counselling that my mother was wrong. We are all worthy of love and help. So why do I still feel as though I am not good enough for my family and that this pain is punishment for burdening and bothering others. The pain renders me helpess and useless some days, which makes me feel hopeless. Does anyone else experience this constant struggle of feeling good about themselves?
 
The day just seems like it is insurmountable. I even sit here pausing thinking that I will be bothering everyone here with my constant complaining. Nothing captures my attention anymore, and things I loved to do are lying around waiting for my interest to come back. I know it will eventually, I just don't understand why I got here in the first place.

damouthy1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 663
   Posted 11/12/2010 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
You are not a bother to anyone here! I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time right now. I am sorry that your mother's explanation of what good people are was so twisted. You are such a wonderful, strong, caring and compassionate lady.

You give so much support and love here, I just want you to know that it is much appreciated! There is so much more I want to say, but I am having one of those days that putting my thoughts into words is almost impossible.

I know other family member's will be by soon to express what I simply cannot today. Hang in there, I hope you get to feeling better soon.
Gentle Hugs,
Shannon

Fibromyalgia, Chronic daily headaches, Migraines, Possible Graves Disease, GERD, High blood pressure, Depression and Anxiety

Oxycontin, Percocet, Lopressor, Lexapro, Omeprazole, Promethazine as needed for nausea, Ventolin inhaler and Vitamin D3

Retired Mom
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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 11/12/2010 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
You are certainly not a bother of any sort here and I'm sure your family loves you very much. These are your thoughts....not theirs....just as your mother's thoughts were hers and not yours. It is very important that you find someone to talk to in a professional setting (or simply get another appointment if you are already seeing someone). I did last week and spent the entire session crying. I feel some better now. I even went out with a friend shopping (sort of....two small stores with very little walking) and we had a nice lunch together. It was only a few hours, but it felt like I was a new person for a while. I'm suffering today quite a bit, but I did it (makeup, jewelry, and all....except great shoes....had to keep the crocs). It was so nice to feel the change for one day alone that I called my endo back and had myself placed back on my HGH yesterday. It makes a great deal of difference how I process information in the brain. Things such as memory and depression are significantly affected by the brain changes when I am off or on my medication.


I wonder....have you ever had any tests of the pituatary gland? It's amazing what this one little gland can do for the body and mind.

I wish you the best my friend.
Retired Mom

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 11/12/2010 9:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Like the other have stated your not a bother, we all care about you and have hope
that you'll fight to get back and feeling better, cause you are a very very good person.
You give great insight and help here to others and I hope you can see that.
Hope your feeling better soon and that you get a low pain day...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Monty'sMom))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Prayers, Hugz and please know we care about you, yur luved...
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc (Lower Lumbar S1-L3 and Cervical C5,C6, C8 and T1), Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's, Ocular Migraines, mild carpel tunnel, ect.... "Would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 11/12/2010 10:52 AM (GMT -6)   

 

  

Dear Mindy,
 
   First and foremost you are not a burden. I really believe that we feel like a burden when we are rendered unable to do daily tasks because the thing preventing us from doing those tasks is a burden. Pain, chronic illness IS a burden. But, that is what we have to remind ourselves. WE arnt the burden. It is something beyond our control that is a burden and we will only make matters worse by projecting the burden on our "true selves". Our "Inner person". Does that make sense? We all do it. If we were all honest about it. I don’t think a single one of us doesn’t feel that way every week.
 
    ...and think about it this way. Do you think that someone who really is a burden. Someone who truly uses those around them for a means to their own end thinks to themselves, "I hate being a burden!"? No. Its like a friend of mine used to say. She would cry and say," Am I a bad person?" I would say," Of course not! Do you think a bad person would ever even ask a question like that?".
 
     You are not a burden. Never have been. You never will be. You are a care taker to your very core. Sometimes I think the hardest lesson we have to learn is that even though we are "care takers" for our family and friends... it is okay to be taken care of ourselves. The only reason you feel bad about it is because you know first hand how much work it is to care for others. So, take a deep breath and remember that sometimes it is okay for you to be taken care of instead of you taking care of others.
 
     *warm hugg*
         dani

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator
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Screaming Eagle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 11/12/2010 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   

 

     Beautifully written Dani! wink   We do all wish you well Monty's Mom. And we all have felt like that, and do from time to time.

      How nice to be able to come to a forum, where you can recieve so many well meaning replies!

   SE wink


spinal soldier
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 687
   Posted 11/12/2010 11:51 AM (GMT -6)   
there is so much i want to say now but i am going to need a brkt. pause first. but i will tell you i have the exact feelings you have described for the most part but you must remember the average person that thinks they are "normal" if they had our pain 1 hour that would be the end of them. you are doing nothing wrong because our bodies are so falliable and fragile that these chronic pain issues are no joke. your spirit is good i can tell and you have good conscience and your thinking about others with a lot against you and that seperates you from "the bad people". the same neurotransmitters that cause pain compound or outright cause these feelings we have. if i can say this without getting in trouble here " it is not you but Chirst that lives in you" you are the righteousness of God through Christ because we will fall short. i know i do. but when God looks at you he sees Christ. i hope thats not to much but please don't be down on yourself because of your "fleshly" limitations. you will be in my prayers and love.
L4,L5,S1 bilateral Laminectomies, Foraminotomies 2002
L4-S1 PLIF with instumentation 2008,

current Rx: morphine sulfate ER 10OMg q8 , roxicodone 30-60mg prn,vistaril50mg prn nausea, Lyrica 150mg 2x,Adderall 20mgs 1x A.M. 10mg PM prn, Soma 350 mg 3X, Relafen 1000mg 1x, alprazolam o.5 mg, Supplements: CO-Q10 100mg, Vitamin D 2000IU, Fish-Oil1000mg EFA, B-Complex50 3x/day, GABA 750mg,

couchtater
Elite Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 14475
   Posted 11/12/2010 7:19 PM (GMT -6)   
It's so hard when the person who is the giver has to turn around and be a receiver. Givers are selfishless and feel guilty if anyone tries to help them. Givers feel embarrassed if someone says "thank you" or "let me help you".
From everything I have seen about you you are a giver to the ninth degree. I'm sorry you had a mother like that. You've seen what it's like to live totally for yourself and not care for anyone. And in that respect, you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that kind of relationship. You don't want your children and family members to ever feel this kind of behavior from you. So it upsets you to have your family care for you instead of you caring for them.

I know it's hard for you to accept the loving care of your family members. I'm sure that they do not think of you as a burden. They see you as a wife, mother, and someone they cherish who is in pain and needs their love and care. So relax and feel the love.
Joy
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