Hello BreezyP! As promised here is my lengthy reply!
Lets start off in saying that these views are mine and mine only, although some here may agree or disagree with them. Many a time I have said that Human life is about relationships, weather it is with a higher power or one on the same level. Everything else is material and really needs to be viewed that way in order to see the value of life. It seems that there are really two issues here, one being the marriage and the other dealing with the CP within the marriage.
Relationships in our childhood can, and do at times affect our relationships right into adulthood. But, that being said, there comes a time that if one keeps dwelling on past wrongs it is going to rob you of your future. It becomes a choice, only a person can make for themselves. I spent 38 yrs of my life looking backwards instead of forward, and I regret it to this day.
I had to smile after reading retiredmom's and Dani's reply, as they enjoy and understand the difference of loving a spouse and being in love with your spouse. The real treat is to find a couple that are in love with each other. While I'm thinking about it, it is important to note, that to most, a mutual attraction is important and rightfully so, but only to a degree, as it is the heart that really makes a person.
I have also said a time or two, that there are givers and takers in life. Sadly, I believe that many couples are unequally yoked together, as one is a taker and the other is a giver. I have also said many times that, show me someone who will allow me to love them (Giver)....notice that I did not say that I want someone to love me. (taker) When you can find a couple who are both givers, and I mean the kind of giving that does not expect a score card return, then you will find a healthy marriage.
A solid marriage is built upon of course a solid foundation. What that foundation is made up of, is only known by yourself and your spouse. The stronger the material of the foundation the stronger the marriage will be.
Now on top of that foundation come the pieces of the rest of the marriage. One of the most important pieces should be TRUST, and of course there should be RESPECT, UNDERSTANDING, PATIENCE, .....let me just quote what one of my favorite books says about love...... Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps NO RECORD OF WRONGS. (Whew! That's a Big One!!) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Kind of cuts to the chase, doesn't it?
No marriage is perfect, and it does take quite a bit of effort to nurture. I'm willing to bet that there were issues before your CP problems. Maybe you could not see them, but it could be that they were lurking around looking for an excuse to rear its ugly head, and the CP was just the catalyst to do so. I fear that many a young bride and groom certainly accept each other at the altar in their current conditions, but as I said, sadly, they mentally omit a few of those ever important vows. (and for as long as you both shall live) Yes!....Money, children, In-laws, poor health, and so many other issues can be blamed for our marriage troubles, but the real problem is how a person and or how couples deal with such issues.
I truly do not have the magic answer for you, but I would start by trying to convince your spouse that you are and should be one and a team. For a few years I was in Law Enforcement, and I can tell you that I depended on my partner and visa versa. Our lives depended on it! The same with your marriage!.....if you’re not acting as a team, the marriage will tragically suffer for it.
Pick out a project that you both will contribute to the end product, and remember, that you are to build up each other and help strengthen where one or the other is weak. Both Dani and retiredmom have spouses that are examples of this type of teamwork. It’s not a contest to see who has the best idea.
Michael Jordan would not be who he is without the help of his team mates, no matter how good he was. Chop off your big toe and see how much the rest of the team misses it. (You’re other remaining toes) You, and you’re hubby may be two pieces to the puzzle, but once put yourselves together you begin to see the big picture, and it can be beautiful.
Now, onto the problem of CP within the marriage. Simply put, you cannot change a person, and I can tell you from personal experience, that control is only a breeding ground for further troubles within the marriage. You will get far better results in convincing the spouse that you are suffering if you can lay some evidence before him. Taking pain meds is not the sort of evidence I’m talking about either.
Like Dani, I too, have my spouse go with me to my appointments if it is convenient to do so. I had many a time, told my ex wife how I was suffering, and she simply would not believe me, until she heard it from a paid professional (my PCD) If your spouse is not willing to go to your PCD or PM visits then I fear it is a reflection of some of the troubles I was speaking about above. Those must be fixed first!
While I do agree with many of the replies to you here, I will have to say that CP is certainly an invisible item that most cannot see. I will also say that I have had some of my very close friends tell me, that they could tell by my facial expression, that I was in pain. (Good Friends) Generally though, Straydog is right, in that most people will never see it in you. However; there should be no doubt as to your pain when sharing it with your husband. This always angers me to hear this, when it involves a husband and wife. There is usually a deeper problem to start with!
I too had a long term marriage 24yrs, and like WB and filed for a divorce when I just could not handle it any longer. I will say that my wife was not all at fault, and I made some pretty stupid mistakes. It is easy to point fingers, but as the old saying goes “There is her side and his side, and then there is the truth” Like WB, I hated my divorce, but would never want to ever go back to that person even if I could. I had a massive Heart Attack just prior to the Divorce, and it was clear to me, in how I was treated and cared for, or the lack of, that the marriage was over for good.
One thing that is wonderful, is this forum! It has been a Godsend for me and both my spouse. Sure, our views can differ, but the main objective, is that we all have a place to vent, ask questions, support other members, make friends….and the list goes on and on!
To be fair, we cannot leave out the supporting, and for that fact, the non supporting spouses and or loved ones who are on the other end of this spectrum.
Put yourself in their shoes for a minute. Not only are your daily activities harder to do, but theirs can be dramatically increased as well. Their hopes of what they expected life to be like with their spouse can be crushed in a second, and it takes time to make the proper mental adjustments.
I’m just going to have to stop here as this has gotten way, way too long. It is my hope that you can glean what is helpful to you with all of the replies you have received. Good Luck to you, and I hope that you and your hubby can come to a compromise, and things will smooth out.
Again, this is only my opinion, and I’m sure that maybe some of my thoughts are not as solid as professionals would be, but my intent is the best for sure! J