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Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 12/8/2010 5:55 AM (GMT -6)   
You mentioned in another post certain issues you are having with your marriage and things your husband does or doesn't do and also that he is retired and has pretty much been thrown into being a stay at home father and home maker.

Given the things you talked about in that post I am wondering if your husband isn't depressed at some level and that he is feeling "trapped" for a lack of a better word.

I am a stay at home dad/home maker myself and know quite a few through various web sites and depression is an issue because of the way men are programmed. 1000's of years of evolution as well as society has us conditioned from birth that our "self worth" is determined by our ability to "bring home the bacon" so to speak. Traditionally men are the providers of the physical needs for the family and it can be a big shock to the system when they undertake the role traditionally belonging to the woman. It's not that men can't do it or not so much they actually resent it as much as it is shock to their entire perception of themselves.

Like I said this is a common issue brought up in the various groups I belong to and the common answer to all of this is for the man to have an outlet. This can be anything from a hobby to "going out with the guys" or just having some "alone" time where he is free to relax and not have to deal with his normal daily responsibility. This doesn't have to be a large amount of time, maybe 30 minutes a day or an hour or two here and there throughout the week.

It is also important to help him reprogram his image of self worth by letting him know how important what he does is and that he is irreplaceable.

Actually it is not any different than what housewives have said for years that they need. Love, appreciation and a little time to recharge.

Feel free to email me if you want to discuss the "stay at home dad" view in more detail or would like a link to a forum or two that are pretty decent if your husband would like to join one as a support group.

Retired Mom
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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 12/8/2010 6:27 AM (GMT -6)   
That is very well said Jim. People often forget that men and women are programed different and react different under the same circumstances. These differences are meant to compliment each other, although we often do not see it that way. I know that I sometimes forget how valuable my husband is to me and then something will come along and remind me with a jolt!
Retired Mom

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 12/8/2010 6:43 AM (GMT -6)   
I was hoping that I made sense. It is very early and I had a 5 year old babbling in my ear while I was trying to write that. LOL
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

nasalady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1176
   Posted 12/8/2010 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jim

Thank you so much for your comments....it's very helpful to have the perspective of another man who's in a similar situation!

I agree; I do think that Paul is depressed and yet he resists going to the doctor and/or asking for meds to help with that. I guess that's another typical guy thing?

I have been trying harder to remember to tell him how much I appreciate all of the things that he does that I just can't do anymore.

Of course, I'm depressed because I can't do those things myself (like laundry, etc). Also because I'm losing my job/career, my health is so bad, etc. Sometimes it's hard to pull myself up out of my own pit of depression to help him with his. sad

I do take the kids off his hands as much as I can. They are 4 and 5 years old so I put TV on for them in my room and snuggle with them so they'll stay with me and leave him alone for a while. I do that when it's possible, but sometimes I really have to get some work done on the computer, then I have to ask him to take over.

One thing I have NOT done is to suggest that he get out of the house for a while and go shopping for vinyl LPs at used record stores (one of his favorite things to do in the whole world!) or something. I will try to set that up....I think it might help.

I have selfishly been hoping to hear expressions of appreciation from him for the things that I do for the family (like cooking or continuing to work part-time) even when I'm in pain. But I don't think he understands how bad I feel, and when he does notice that I'm on the computer, he seems to regard it as "playing around on the Internet". He knows I post on forums or on my blogs sometimes, which isn't work, of course.

Maybe if I express enough appreciation for him, it will help him to appreciate me a bit more? Most of the time I feel like I'm just a burden on him, except for my cooking and my ability to continue to bring in money. That really contributes to my depression.

He used to be proud of his attractive scientist wife, now I'm just this chronically ill person that he has to take care of, blown up to unrecognizable proportions on tons of meds that keep packin' the weight on (steroids, Lyrica and Cymbalta, etc). shakehead He's also gained a LOT of weight on prednisone; his own health problems push him deeper into depression.

Jim, I appreciate your offer to talk to me via email....I will likely take you up on that.

Thanks again!
JoAnn
Lyme Disease, Babesiosis, Ehrlichiosis, Bartonella, AIH, Hashimoto's, lupus, fibro, RA, celiac, asthma, psoriasis, adrenal fatigue, pre-diabetic, Raynaud's, hypertension, osteopenia, sleep apnea, RLS, GERD, DDD, severe lower back pain, cubital tunnel, tarsal tunnel, Suprax, Malarone, Alinia, Zithromax, Prednisone, Imuran, Plaquenil, Lyrica, Cymbalta, Levothyroxine, Liothyronine, Atenolol, Cozaar, Zyrtec, Fosamax, Albuterol, Prilosec

http://forty-two-joann.blogspot.com/

nasalady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1176
   Posted 12/8/2010 11:49 AM (GMT -6)   
P.S. Jim, what is your email address? Or would you rather email me?
Lyme Disease, Babesiosis, Ehrlichiosis, Bartonella, AIH, Hashimoto's, lupus, fibro, RA, celiac, asthma, psoriasis, adrenal fatigue, pre-diabetic, Raynaud's, hypertension, osteopenia, sleep apnea, RLS, GERD, DDD, severe lower back pain, cubital tunnel, tarsal tunnel, Suprax, Malarone, Alinia, Zithromax, Prednisone, Imuran, Plaquenil, Lyrica, Cymbalta, Levothyroxine, Liothyronine, Atenolol, Cozaar, Zyrtec, Fosamax, Albuterol, Prilosec

http://forty-two-joann.blogspot.com/
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