I was scheduled yesterday to see a Psychiatrist due to another patient cancelling their appointment. At this point I am unsure about this man. I didn't really care for him in many ways. He asked my opinion about things, but spent the majority of his time talking about why he was "labelling me so we have continuity of care." In other words, he gave me a diagnosis of Pain Disorder even though I may not suffer from pain disorder, but it is easier to stick it on there since my depression gets worse when I have pain. It left me wondering if there is something seriously wrong with me and that the depression shouldn't get bad when I have bad days.
I agreed with his diagnosis of Major Depression. Who with CP doesn't have issues with depression at times? Also with the PTSD and History of Anxiety Disorder in remission I was on board with those. We discussed my ideal medication regimen and came to a compromise.
Then he asked me if I could kill myself how would I do it!?!
WHAT? I don't feel suicidal! I don't cut myself or overdose. I even fear taking my b/t meds at times because of the sedating effects and the foggy feeling. Then he made it worse by asking me Why wouldn't you want to die? What is the point of living?
I got angry. When I get very angry my face flushes. Then he follows with that if I don't want to change, then nothing will change. I explained that I had been very depressed in the past and knew this time it was time to get help early before it began to get bad. I asked for help and had been going to counseling before the insurance decided I had enough, and then sought free counseling from my pastor. I have done everything told to do, even putting myself through the hell of a medication that didn't provide pain relief and made me vomit everyday. I think if I didn't want to live I wouldn't be here. I bawled like a baby. I was so angry and hurt at this man. He explained that he understood I had a bad childhood and had been abused in my marriages and wanted to be sure I was able to understand that my life meant something.
I explained as coherently as possible that I want help and that was why I asked for it. I had psych services at this facility 3 times in 15 years. I felt as though he was telling me I hadnt tried hard enough each time I needed help and if I had done it right, I wouldn't be back for help.
After that he let up and we discussed my extensive list of allergies to meds. He is focusing on the point that I am allergic to SSRIs and he wonders why. I couldnt help answering sarcastically "that is like asking why your hair is gray and thinning while another man has a full head with no gray. "
Another thing that got me was his asking why I couldn't work if I am so active in my church community. I crochet shawls at home, on my bad days of little activity. I coordinate a craft once a month for 15 minutes at a Mom's group. I make flyers and posters for out Outreach team and help with craft organization. Not the actual doing of anything any more. It hurts too much to participate many times. I explained it all to him and that I am in school to work from home so I won't be disabled. He didn't seem impressed.
So here is my dilemma. I was on a waiting list to see a Psychiatrist. If I choose not to see this one, I go back on the waiting list for at least 4 more months. Maybe I got him on a bad day? Maybe he pushed to see what I would take? I dont know what to do. I spoke with one of the office managers before I left also and told her that I felt a bit abused. Why would he ask me how I would attempt suicide? How is that going to help me?