Need some advice on family

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
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   Posted 12/29/2010 5:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sure you all know that I love my boys, fiance included. We managed to have a quiet holiday by telling everyone we were staying home but thanking them for invitations on Christmas day. Well, my sister, mother, and fiance's sister did not take that well. That is not my problem, it's theirs. If none of them can understand why I would want to spend the holiday with my sons at home quietly then they do not know me well.
With the new year comes wedding planning. Finding a bridesmaid dress is not easy. I have my nieces 2 teens, my fiance's niece who is also a teen, and my friend as Matron of Honor. So my future sister in law (FSIL) wants to have input on the bridesmaid dresses so her daughter doesn't look "****ty." I picked the Victoria's Secret convertible dress so she can wear it in whatever way they feel is less provocative. But that isn't good enough! The one shopping session I had with FSIL was disaster. Nothing I chose was right except for a $220 dress. That is too much for a dress they will wear once. I decided the girls could wear different dresses, but FSIL feels her daughter (who is very thin while my nieces look 20 instead of 15) would feel left out if her dress was different than everyone else. UGH!So I decided to just tell her where to get the dress when I decide and to pay the reserve price so that they must get that dress.
A little bird told me today that FSIL is going to the expensive shop to get the $220 dress and if I want to be cheap on my wedding day then her daughter was not going to look like a ******! So I am sticking with my plan, pick out a perfectly fine dress or dresses at David's Bridal, and order them. If FSIL doesn't like it then I will remind her that they have 3 options and if they can't find one then she must tell her daughter why she won't be in the bridal party. This is ridiculous! The little bird also told me that FSIL tells others in the family things she thinks will make me look small in their eyes and that I am not good enough for her brother.
So I just avoid her as much as possible. Her hurtful ways won't do any damage if I don't have much to do with her. She treats me condescendingly every time I see her and laughs at my wedding plans. I simply have stopped talking about the wedding. I just tell her that she will find out in October like everyone else or that I haven't decided. Nothing I do or say gets me away from her ridicule. And I have to see her this weekend for New Year's Eve. She expects us at 6pm like everyone else and to stay until 2 am or the whole night on the sofa bed. I can't do that long away after an hour and half drive to her home, and go home.
Thank you all for listening to me vent. I needed to get it out so I don't involve my fiance. He doesn't need this female stupidness with all his other stress.

couchtater
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 14475
   Posted 12/29/2010 5:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I understand the sister-in-law battles, I've had five. One is still on going. I've offered the olive branch of peace many times and to keep the peace in my brothers' homes I bite my tongue until it's almost about to fall off.
I've been belittled and treated as a child by everyone of them, even though three of them were younger than me.
In my honest opinion, tell FSIL you have a strict budget and you want all of the dresses to look alike at your wedding. Also if she will not cooperate with the dresses then tell her the niece can not be in the wedding as a bridesmaid, but will do some other thing in the wedding like passing out the birdseed.
After all, it is your wedding not hers.
Joy

Retired Mom
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   Posted 12/30/2010 1:17 AM (GMT 0)   
Hello Mom,

It sounds like the little birdy may not be your best source of info, but since it has already been done....it's time to move on.

With that said, you already know that you have problems with this family dynamic. There is no getting around that. You are now aware of the potential of the one person wearing a specific dress. You can, however, INSIST on a certain color. It is YOUR wedding.

Many weddings are now being done with the bridesmaids wearing dresses of the same color but different styles (just get a swatch and give one to every person who must purchase a dress) and allow them all to purchase the one that is most flattering to their personal tastes, finances, and body size/shape. This can also include the flower girl. The groomsmen can accent the look by purchasing/renting matching ties, bow ties, vests, or whatever suits your taste. The bridesmaids' flowers and groomsmen's boutonnieres can also be used to unify the color choice, thus reducing the differences in the dresses. Because of the issues, I'd also insist on a specific color of nylons and shoes, but again, I'd let them decide on the style. If she looks silly, too bad!

You are correct about not involving anyone else in these issues. It will just make matters worse. If the "other" family does, then the problem is on them, not you. I would not, however, go on any other shopping trips with a person who does not appreciate your tastes and your preferences. You'll just be opening yourself up for more negative comments.

Judging from your post, it wouldn't be a serious problem if the person making all the fuss just didn't make it to the service. Again, the problem will be on them, not you.

Good luck!
Failed fusion L5-S1, Pituatary damage, HGH Def, Fibro, Bladder surgery failure, Nissen Failure, GERD, OCPD, GAD, MDD, CTS (Bilateral Surgery completed), CFS, TMJ, Migraines, Vit D, A, Magnesium deficiency, Pre-glaucomic (sp?), HBP, Idiopatic Reactive Hypoglycemia, Edema, too many Drug/Food allergies, sensitivites, and current meds to list.

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
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   Posted 12/29/2010 9:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Couchtater, I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this as well. Its a shame that family relationships seem to have such strife.
 
Mom, Thank you for the advice. I had initially planned to have the color swatch strategy, but FSIL insisted I pick the dress when she heard. I will bring that up as my choice and hopefully she will choose to do that now, since my dresses were never up to her standards. The little birdie has already been set aside. I don't feel good about hearing gossip about others, and it feels terrible when it is about yourself.
As for nylons, shoes, hair and makeup, I left it up to the ladies. Silver shoes in any style other than open toe, nude nylons since my colors are cobalt and cornflower blue, and tasteful makeup with whatever hairstyle they feel comfortable in. As a Mary Kay rep I even offered to do color consults and buy their makeup as part of their gift. The sad thing is that it has strayed so far from what I wanted, my nieces and friend standing with me in dresses they chose, looking lovely in the pretty blue shades. My girlfriend and I may be able to get it back to that without too much fuss. Writing the FSIL or telling her in front of many people would be the best way, so that I don't leave myself open to feeling bad.
Thank you both for your help.
 
Mindy

Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
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   Posted 12/29/2010 10:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy
I think it's lousy the way you are being treated. You've made very sound and reasonable
request. Maybe write Dear Abby or Miss Manners for the best advise. Or maybe tell your FSIL
in public and out loud that if she wanted to "give all the girls at the wedding in the bridal party
the $220. dress as a wedding gift to you that that would be wonderful" and then say "why thank you,
as I can't really afford those. But if your paying"... then leave it hanging maybe she'd get the point....
Try to turn the table on her in public...Some people just can't see how rude they truely are, eh...
Hugz to you and lots of courage and strenght...
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mindy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Healing Hugz
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caligirl2001
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 12/30/2010 1:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy, I think you are being very reasonable. It is, after all, YOUR wedding. You have every right to choose the dresses you want in the colors you want and have the beautiful day YOU are dreaming of. I think David's bridal is perfect. what about picking out 2 or 3 acceptable dresses that YOU like at David's bridal, and tell the 3 teenage girls that they can choose whichever dress they are comfortable in from those coordinated styles in either cobalt or cornflower blue(if David's bridal has those colors this year?) Period. If Godzilla Lady can't find an acceptable dress, maybe her daughter needs an alternative role of some kind in your wedding. It's actually pretty fashionable to wear coordinated dresses rather than exactly matching ones anyway, so that might solve the problem, if you are okay with that? Just a thought. :)

And of course as hard as it might be, if your FSIL is too difficult and refuses to cooperate with what you want for your wedding, it is not unreasonable for you to give her daughter a role at your wedding that is not part of the bridal party, even if that is not your first choice. It might be hard to explain to the niece that her Mom is making it too hard, but if FSIL can't be allowed to suck the joy out of your wedding day. You are entitled to a coordinated bridal party, and she is out of line to be attempting to dictate the dress her daughter wears in your wedding. I pity her daughter when she gets married! She is going to have Momzilla on her hands for sure!

As Chartreaux said, hugs of strength to you. I'm not sure what it is about weddings that seem to bring out the dragon in some people. I hope you are able to breathe deeply, disarm and dismiss your dragon, and have the beautiful day you deserve!

Melissa
Fibromyalgia, High BP, Migraines, anxiety, Non Celiac Gluten Intolerant
Current medications: Topamax, Maxalt, Lotrel, Wellbutrin

Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 1/1/2011 10:37 PM (GMT -6)   
How you doing today? Hope everything is getting better for you..
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* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc (Lower Lumbar S1-L3 and Cervical C5,C6, C8 and T1), Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's, Ocular Migraines, mild carpel tunnel, ect.... "Would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/1/2011 10:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Yesterday was ok. Fsil asked 3 times what stinking dress I picked out and why haven't I chosen yet. The first time I brought the conversation to the price of dresses and styles without answering. Second time I just told her I have time and will let her know when I decide and changed the subject. The third took the cake though. She asked, said I am looking and have time and asked why she had to know now. Her response left me speechless which is hard! She actually said because she is looking for her dress and needs to know what the maids are wearing so she doesn't upstage them! She wants to know her "job" and thinks it would be lovely to wear the same color and dress as my bridesmaids! My fiance looked at her and said no, she is not a bridesmaid and is not going to be one.
The endless questions about flowers, dresses, invitations drive me nuts. All she talks to me about is the wedding and telling me how it is going to be done when she doesn't like my ideas. I gave her no new information last night, just dodged questions or changed the subject, but still had to hear what she expects and wants done. I have 3 more months to decide on dresses for an October wedding. She is micromanaging my wedding without me even being there! I won't let it happen. My fiance's mother is on board with us and told her to leave me be.
Thank you for asking Chartreux. I guess I needed to vent again. After being at her home for 5 hours on a hard wood kitchen chair and long rides to and from, I am a mess today.
Hope you all have low pain levels tonight
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw


Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, arthritis, kidney stones, depression, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, adhesions. Fentanyl patch, Vicodin, remeron, trazodone, dicyclomine, Miralax, Colace, Multivitamin

Mrs. Dani
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Date Joined Jun 2009
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   Posted 1/2/2011 11:39 AM (GMT -6)   
 
 
 
     Oh! You bring back so many memories of my wedding! Mine was an out of state wedding and boy was it hard! I did have that same type of problems with many different aspects of my wedding too. You will have people pop up with problems out of the blue during the entire process. Just tell them to use their own judgment. You would be surprised how many people think twice about their actions when they are the only ones responsible for their decisions. Especially when those decisions and action will be witnesses by so many other people. Give it a try, you will see what I mean.  :-)   
 
   "Wear what you want to. I am sure it will be fine. You do not have to worry about colors and dress cut since you are not a member of the wedding party."
 
   "That is a pretty dress you want your daughter to wear. It isn't a problem for her to be a guest rather than a member of the wedding party. I completely understand. Its hard having to be a wedding party member and not being able to wear what you want."
 
   "Those would be great ideas for when you (or your daughter) gets married."
 
    *warm hugg*
          dani

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/2/2011 4:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Dani, Lovely suggestions! May I steal a few of them (all) to use on the momzilla trying to take over everything? She has suggestions for me to make her brother happier now. Including lose weight, smile more, and try to do more things for him instead of myself :(
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw


Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, arthritis, kidney stones, depression, 7 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, adhesions. Fentanyl patch, Vicodin, remeron, trazodone, dicyclomine, Miralax, Colace, Multivitamin

Mrs. Dani
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Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 1/2/2011 7:48 PM (GMT -6)   

    

      Oh what wonderful suggestions!....  Honestly, most people say things like that and takes those kind of "stance" because they are co-dependent (among other things). It is a very hard problem for many many adults. It takes a willingness to recognize that it is part of a larger problem and the desire to change the behaviors. Neither of which will happen any time soon. As I said, it is often times just a "symptom" of more serious disorders which require professional treatment. Just try to remember that those statements and those behaviors have nothing to do with you. It is just a "need" she has. It is like craving a soda pop. In this case, craving emotional turmoil. There isn't a thing you can do or not do, to change her behavior.     

       Remember her statements and her anger have nothing to do with you. She will do it to anyone she can and trust me, she will. Over and over and over again. Just think of all the people she has chewed up and spit back out for the fleeting moment of turmoil she craves so much    smhair    Probably has alienated some really great folks through the years....

 *hugg*
    dani


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

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Rhaevin
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Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 230
   Posted 1/5/2011 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Mom,

It sounds like someone is jealous. She either didn't get the wedding of her dreams or she's an utter control-freak. The fact that she's concerned of "upstaging" your own bridal party speaks volumes to me; how could anyone be so rude or thoughtless.

Your wedding is just that, YOURS. It is a day for you and your fiance' to share with friends and family the love you have for one another, to allow them to bear witness to this love and the comitment you have for one another. I am glad to hear that your fiance' is aware of his Sis-zilla and her attitude.

It sounds like it's time to put your foot down, polietely, and you seem to be doing so already. If she continues upon her insistant path of her daughter looking better then everyone else (***?!?!) then it may be time to apologize and restructure the budget. Perhaps that one extra bridesmaid isn't needed. Maybe instead she could help hand out programs at the door when people come to be seated?

Also is there anyone that you can speak to about your FSIL and her attitude of wanting to be so involved with the bridal party as to wanting to wear coordinating clothing? Or maybe you need to give her a job so she does feel more involved. If you're doing a reception maybe she can make sure the silverware is laid out properly. Or maybe let her handle centerpieces. It would give her a task, make her feel "special" and included, but perhaps keep her out of your hair as it would seem the only other option is to alienate her from your plans. And that's not fair to you, but do try to keep in mind at every wedding there is there is bound to be one person who will give you grief, usually it's your FMIL. Take a deep breath, give a genuine happy smile, and think about how once it's all over your fiance' will be your husband... that he's marrying you for who you are and that he loves you just the way you are.
Originally injured 10/26/2007 - Initial diagnosis; Tendonitis
Spent next year seeing specialist after specialist; Bone, Muscle, Hand, Chriopractor, Physical Therapist...
Went through a battery of tests, multiple MRI's
11/16/09 I was finally diagnosed CRPS - Stage 2
Permanently disabled and on Percoset for pain.
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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/5/2011 9:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Things have calmed down finally. We made it clear to her that she is not in the bridal party, but she is asked to inform guests that our guest book is a photo mat in a frame with our photo. Her husband will be an usher with the groomsmen. The idea to make her in charge of the table centerpieces is a good one. Thank you, Rhaevin.
 
I spoke with my future mother in law and she has talked to her daughter to remind her that she doesn't need to like anything about my wedding. She is such a control freak! If she doesn't like it, it shouldn't be in the wedding. She actually told her mother that if I want a train wreck for a wedding, then she won't help anymore! She had a $13,000 wedding, so it cant be living vicariously through me. Our budget is half of that!
 
On a happy note, I bought the flowers at half of our budgeted price last night on a website sale! My fiance picked out the lighting for the centerpieces (mini glow sticks in blue) and we found a website that had them at 1/4 of the price we had planned for! Those we were going to go without because they aren't a big deal.
 
I just want to get married at this point. I could care less about waiting, what we wear or how my hair looks. I would marry him today with our friends and his parents with us and scrap the whole thing. If I am going to have to do this the "right way" because his family and my family want a traditional type of wedding, then at least it will be the way we want it.
Thank you all for your support. I am getting so excited~

couchtater
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 14475
   Posted 1/5/2011 3:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I helped plan my sister's wedding and it was always fun to come across a bargain. I was her designer for all of her decorations for her wedding. I designed all of the centerpieces as my gift to her. They were brandy glasses with candles inside, heart covered ribbons tied in bows on the stem with tiny double heart charms hanging on it. It was placed on a silver tray with swans filled with heart shaped candies and candy kisses. Rose petals were spread up and down the tables. The cake table was decorated with gardena garland and tulle ribbons. Her arch was covered with lights, gardena garland, and tulle.
I also designed the globes the bridesmaids carried. I filled the globe with flowers that matched the gowns and tiny flashing lights. I then hung matching ribbons and pearls from the stems. I made matching pearl necklaces and charm bracelets for everyone, also.
We had great fun finding bargains and decorating.

Post Edited (couchtater) : 1/5/2011 3:18:23 PM (GMT-7)


SnowyLynne
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Date Joined Apr 2004
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   Posted 1/5/2011 4:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Tell you FSIL to BUZZ OFF!!!!
SnowyLynne
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