thank you all for your answers. You all have very very good ideas and I am really trying to figure out what is going on because every time I think we have an understanding he starts everything all over again. We met 12yrs ago and have been trying to figure out how to live with each other ever since so i'm having a hard time summing it up for anyone to understand and help me. I totally understand how all I wrote was confusing and I was mad when I wrote it so I wasn't thinking straight either. I really really appreciate you all taking the time to ask questions and give such insightful, helpful advice. thank you.
I got with him when I was 18 and we had to separate because we both needed to grow up and be better people. When we got together again when I was 21 and we had both changed quite a bit and worked out the things that broke us up the first time right away but living with someone is very hard and the longer we live together the more we have to work at it. We are both very strong personalities so when we fight we really fight and don't hear a word the other is saying and are just out to hurt, which we both are very precise and efficient at doing. I have worked very hard to overcome my OCD and talk to my dr about it when I feel I am not handling it well. I went from having a full blown panic attack when someone "did the dishes out of order" or "used the wrong cloth on the wrong thing" or "flushed the toilet without first closing the lid". I got help and now I don't even feel the need to look when my husband does chores and he is trying to be considerate about the things that are really really important to me. I very rarely have a problem anymore with feeling anxious about how the chores are done and if I absolutely must redo it I do it when my turn comes around next (we alternate chores) or in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and nobody will know, sometimes I just can't help it but I have not yelled about it, corrected in front of him, or got upset about the help he is giving me in 4yrs. I keep track cause it's like being on the wagon for me and I have to really really work at it sometimes and am very proud of myself at how well I have been doing.
We all discussed a chore chart to help us remember what needs done and who's turn it is to do it. After awhile everyone just feels unappriciated and that nobody notices so now we have it in writing and initial the chores we do that are extra so that they all get done and we can see how much we have been helping and do our best. It is a positive reinforcement rather than one of us having to remind the other or get mad because the other "forgot" or "didn't understand" , it was all discussed, negotiated, agreed upon, and is in writing. We set renegotiation terms for 3 months out so that at that time we can all talk about how it is working, new ideas, and change it if we need to and try it again for 3 months before we can change it again. This makes us give it our best and really take our agreements seriously. He still refuses to do his chores. He decides he wants to do something else, doesn't tell anyone, does it and then expects someone else to just do the chore that was supposed to be his because he decided to do theirs. Our chore list is broken up in sections and we alternate daily cleaning of Bathroom, Toy Room, Living Room, Entertainment Room and Bed Room. All daily chores that need to be done per room can be done by myself and within no more than 30-45 min's time (sometimes it takes me longer due to having a really bad day but I can still do it and do do it). After that we have a list of weekly chores, monthly chores, seasonal and annual chores that must be initialed so that we all know what has been done and when all chores in the section are initialed we erase all of them and start over. This eliminated doing the same "easy" chore over and over but forgetting to ever do the harder, nastier stuff and motivation to do the "better" chores is naturally there before someone else does them all and then you just have to choose from what is left until it gets reset again. He agreed to finish what he starts in one week time from when he says that he'll do it and has never kept his word about it. When he is asked to do something he gives a list of 100 reasons why he can't. I have discussed that I what I need from him is ideas on how to do things because the other way is not helpful, he refuses. I have asked that when one of us feels like we are getting upset by the conversation we are having that we inform the other and write down what we feel the problem is, explain our side, and come up with 1-2 ideas on how to fix it. After we have it finished we agreed to come together and negotiate an agreement taking all ideas and compromising with each other. He refuses, he just wants to yell and stomp off and then come back later and tell me to just forget about it and be nice. He refuses to fix anything or keep his word about what we agreed upon.
Example: He is off from work for the winter. I and my assistant have many medical conditions and struggle everyday to go above and beyond our capabilities so we asked for his help since he is home. I talked with him about needing to lay down while the kiddos were down for a nap. I told him that I was exhausted and hurting badly and that my meds were making it hard for me to wake up. Could he listen for the kids and if he didn't want to watch them wake me up when they woke up. I awoke to fighting, screaming children who were playing unsupervised!!! I had entrusted my kids to another capable adult who did not stay within hearing distance and knew nothing about what they were doing. Luckily I am not a very light sleeper so they probably hadn't been up long and were the older kids, no babies, but they should never be left alone for any amount of time. they are special needs children who may be 6 and 7 but have the mental capacity of about a 3yr old. I was furious. He tells me that he misunderstood. He thought he was just supposed to listen for the kids and he didn't hear a thing! When I explained what listening for the kids entailed ( being within earshot, waking me up if I didn't hear them or being in the room as a supervising adult) and that I needed to be able to depend on him when I need a break he throws a fit tells me I need to be more clear, and is mad he has to help at all. "You obviously can't run a daycare right now and I don't see why I have to help so much when it's your job." this is what he says to me. Two weeks ago we discussed that I am doing extremely bad health-wise and am needing a pain pump, my assistant/roomie/bf just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and is currently waiting on test results so that the dr can start her on something that will help with the pain and get her back to functioning, the house we live in is expensive and big for my daycare (when my daycare is half full it pays 75% of the bills and we need the space to have as many kids as we do without walking on top of each other, my landlord has discounted our rent due to the fact we are a low income daycare and it is way less than any house it's size in the area we live in). If we did not get help we must move to a smaller house and decrease our occupancy so that we could run the daycare with only one person when needed, as it is right now both of us are "on duty" when we have kids here and never get days off because neither of us can handle it by ourselves right now and need two people to take good care of the kids and get everything done. We are exhausted, we need to either get some help or downgrade so that we can take personal time as well before we collapse. We all decided to work together because we worked really really hard to get this house, establish the daycare and provide me with work I could do, and have big plans for improvement for the next 5yrs that would improve our life and situation. The day before I asked him to listen for the kids he took the whole eve off and day off to go to a concert with a friend that we had purchased tickets months ago and we encouraged them to do nothing but have fun and have a nice holiday, which they did. The next day he slept in until 9:30 when the kids got here at 7:50, my bf was supposed to have the day off but got up to help me because I was alone so naturally I was upset but decided to discuss it with him later. I tried think about how to say what I need in a nice way. I was having a very hard day and hurting very badly. I had paperwork to do and the guy called to see if he could bring them over and go over it with me, my husband answered the phone and told him that he would take the kids so that I could have a break cause I was hurting and do paperwork with him, I was very appreciative and thanked him several times. We went out to the garage so that we could have quiet and discuss business, within 5mins here comes my husband to stand next to me, I excused myself and asked him if I could help him with anything he said no and kept standing there so I finally said "honey, you need to go back in and take care of the kids, you agreed to replace me." I said it calmly but probably had a bit of frustration in my voice for obvious reasons. He said "b/f had taken over and was making them lunch so he didn't think he needed to do anything." I explained to him that it was supposed to be her day off and he needed to go help because there is plenty of work for two people especially during mealtimes. He says I don't know why your being such a b**** and storms off slamming the door (note: in front of our friend with whom I am conducting a business arrangement) storms into the house and yells at everyone for misbehaving. I am mad at this point and don't want to talk to him anymore. He leaves the house all together and I can't take a nap while the kids do because I sent my bf to lay down and I have no one to listen for them if I fall asleep. he comes back 2hrs later and doesn't understand why i am upset. Later that day he said I though you were going to take time to talk to me so I said ok follow me we can go speak in the garage while I have a cig. I explain that I need his help if we want to keep the daycare and house. He says that he lets me sleep in all the time and why can't he sleep in once in awhile. I explain that I sleep in on the days we don't have kids and that me and my bf have had to work everyday together just to make sure we can do it. I need him to get up with us and help with the morning too. I explain that when I ask for him to listen for the kids he must do all that I said above. Then he gets mad. You want me to do your work for you so that you can be lazy, sleep in, not do anything, take naps all the time and I don't want to do your work for you. I told him that was not what I was asking and that I was not asking him to do anything that I am not doing on a regular basis and constantly. he yells that I am a lazy b**** and that he refuses to do my work so that I don't have to do anything. I finally have had it. I cannot make him understand that I ask for nothing that I don't do myself and that he agreed to help and does not want to give up the house so we need help keeping the daycare going until we get the medical attention we need so that we can do it ourselves again. He has no compassion for me at all unless I'm in the hospital otherwise he expects me to do everything i have always done: take care of the house, yard, cars, bills, telephone calls, appointments, money, shopping, holidays, and on and on and on. He refuses to do anything by himself. If he makes a mistake he refuses to fix it and then uses it as the reason why he doesn't want to be responsible for anything because he just doesn't know how and always messes it up. I explain that it is a learning process and you can't expect to be perfect every time or right away but he says he doesn't want to learn and why can't i just do it cause I'm good at it. He just wants us to "get over it and be happy" he doesn't want to grow up, help, learn or be responsible he just wants me to stop asking anything of him and not be such a b*** all the time and why am i so stressed doing all I have to do is not so hard and plus i'm good at it so it should be easy, i've never needed help before, he can't he works, he's depressed cause he's not working, i'm home all the time i should be responsible for everything cause i'm here, doesn't matter i worked for years out of the home and still did all of it he doesn't remember that. I'm at a total loss and kicked him out today and I don't feel sorry or miss him yet but I know he'll come home and just want it all to go away. I don't know what to do. He makes life miserable, he makes more work for me, he has no compassion for everyday things that I struggle with, I am starting to hate him. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I have tried everything. I love him and when he's good he's really really good, for about 2 weeks until he thinks that i'm not mad anymore and won't kick him out and then he slowly starts doing the same things again! and then wonders why I can't let anything go. Because you keep doing it over and over and over and have been doing the same stupid crap and treating me badly for 9yrs straight!! I don't know if it's even worth it anymore. I don't want to fight anymore I just want him to disappear. I don't want to be embarrassed when our friends come over and ask me why he is not helping and why the projects they have heard him say he was going to do are not yet done when he is not working or helping with daycare! I have one friend that comes over and gets on his butt and makes him fix things with him while he is here!! The landlord asks why can't my husband do some of the work he has said needed done so that we can make our rent!!! I don't even know what kind of advice I am looking for. I don't know what else to do it really seems like it is not even worth it.