One thing you wish your spouse could understand

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undetermined_dimension
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 1/10/2011 2:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I love my husband. He is a wonderful man and cares for me very much. I have been getting sicker and sicker for as long as we have known each other 12yrs and just had our 6th wedding anniversary in June and celebrated our 9th yr together on new years eve and we have had to go through a lot together and he is only 32 and I just turned 30 in the beginning of Dec so I want to believe that we understand each other pretty well but lately we have been doing nothing but fighting.

I have OCD and have always been the most dominant one taking over all the household responsibilities and slowly learning how to let go of my anal retentive ways and just appreciate what he does for me. I have a daycare and I have special needs children that find me and need me to be understanding, patient, and very structured. I am all these things on my best days and I can get myself turned around pretty quickly (i think, may be longer than i am proud of but still i don't stay mad all day and take a moment to calm down before i try to address any situation and make sure i don't say yes right away but have made it a habit to say that i need to think about it, give a concrete time i will have made my decision by and honestly for the most part I do believe I make a fair decision, take everyone's interests into account and are ready with my answer by the time I said I would. I am trying very very hard.) no matter what i do though my husband is so used to me taking care of everything that he is extremely uncomfortable taking over and I am extremely upset because I have gotten to the point I can no longer handle daily life and am needing tremendous support and in so much pain that I do have a temper that flares but I really try and go calm down and come back with a better attitude to discuss it but by then he is already mad and won't work with me so we let it go, he gets mad everything i bring anything up and then i get mad and we are back where we were.

I wish with all my heart that he knew me well enough to know that the decisions I make are for the best for the entire family and that I have done my best by presenting all the options, pro's and con's and really really try to encourage any more ideas so that we can all make the best decision that we are all happy with. but he never has anything helpful to say he just goes around in circles telling me all the things that could go wrong, will go wrong and that it is all wrong but won't come up with anything else so i have to make a decision which is then all on me if it goes wrong. I don't know how to talk to him to make him see that even though I am not on top of my game I am doing above and beyond what I think I can do and pushing myself everyday just to make it through and still be patient, happy, and optimistic. I'm really really afraid that this is going to ruin our marriage and that I am starting to hate him for not stepping up when I needed him the most when I have molded and shaped our lives to have the best we can with what we have no matter if we have nothing but he doesn't understand that you have to alter course sometimes, you have to change your mind, you have to take risks, you have to say i just can't i'm sorry, you have to take time to take care of yourself, and things just won't get better on their own. He's like my freaking cheerleader always saying that things always work out so there is no sense in worrying or trying to change anything but he doesn't understand how much work it takes to keep things going and how much it helps to always be open to new options that might be better even if they are not what you would like out of life but just what you are comfortable holding on to. We have been through so much i understand his hesitation to let go of anything but we are failing right now and admitting defeat and taking some time to heal might be our only option to make sure we get back on our feet later but he see's it as giving up and losing all we worked so hard for, which we would but right now I am racking up debt just to keep trying to stay open when moving to a smaller place and downsizing my daycare might be so much better for me and less stress and easier for me to handle. he doesn't understand what it takes to get through a day but he can't fill in for me because in 20min's the house is in total chaos with all the kids crying and him losing his mind not knowing what to do but he refuses to learn. I hate him for being this selfish but it's also my fault because I refused to let him help and just a few years ago started telling him he had to start trying. I have spoiled him and I'm afraid I will hate him before he figures it out. I was wondering if any of you had marital problems that you have tried things to help teach them about what our life is like and that we love them and try even harder just to get the basics done some days.

If there was one thing you wish your spouse knew what would it be and how would it change your relationship? Have you tried anything that helps work out problems of misunderstanding and communication?

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you.

JCG32
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 62
   Posted 1/11/2011 7:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi I am not married but with relationships in my life and my condition/pain I try to explain how I feel and what I need. Even if the other person does not listen I think it is important to get it off my chest and to talk about it. Have you thought of doing therapy with your husband? Can you tell your husband that you need help with X? It is going to take time for both of you to get used to a different way but I think it can work and be done. If you don't speak up though for what you need I think the anger and pain will build up. Has your husband read about your condition? What about a support group for you and him?

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 1/11/2011 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   
I wish he understood how much help I could use around the house, last night he came home
from work ate the home cooked meatloaf dinner, played some games and watched tv, he
never once lifted a hand to do the dishes, he knows how hard and tried I get from cooking
and meatloaf might seem simple, but all the side dishes, I wish...It hurts to lift a 2lb
meatloaf to go into the oven and to take it out, once I forgot and used my left hand
and almost dropped it onto the floor, I burned my hand saving it, only a slight burn...
so yes help with household chores...
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc (Lower Lumbar S1-L3 and Cervical C5,C6, C8 and T1), Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's, Ocular Migraines, mild carpel tunnel, ect.... "Would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

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undetermined_dimension
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 1/11/2011 10:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much for sharing and for your suggestions. I have been sick my whole life and my husband knew this when we got together but over the years I have gotten worst and worst. He is great at taking care of me in the hospital, knows all of my meds and allergies by heart, knows how to move me after surgery, has been responsible for my hygiene, and makes sure to read all about new meds and help me to remember them and my dr appointments. He is an amazing man. He is 32 and has a 90 yr old wife and takes life very well considering we cannot do much most of the time as daily life overwhelms me most of the time. I have always had chore lists around my house that detail what I need done for the day and any extras that need done weekly, monthly, seasonally, and yearly and have always made it important to keep them consistent and the same content so it doesn't seem i'm just adding more work but it is really hard for him to understand that all these things need done on a regular basis. He thinks once or twice a week helping around the house is enough. I had to have my bf who also has fibromyalgia move in to save my home and daycare and it is alot easier with a roommate and with us to help each other, she also has a special needs son that is a lot of work and the love of our lives. He is getting better but still wants to argue about it. We have all had to sit down and discuss a behavior chart for the children, which is working beautifully we all agreed to respond to the same problems with the children in the exact same way every time, and our chore chart so it's not like he did not get a say in it at all so I don't understand his resistance especially when I have one other adult living in the home that . supports it fully. Also the bills are laid out in a written plan on when to pay them, how much to pay them, and when they are due. We are working through it but it is hard for a person to understand being sick all the time and that when I choose to have to skip something in my day because I honestly did my best, over my best, and was forced to quit he feels I'm doing it on purpose and just trying to get out of things when I expect him to do it consistently. I can see how it looks and have spoken to him quite a bit about it because I am not a hard ass when he is sick and cut him a lot more slack then I even take myself most days. I just don't want to ruin 9yrs together because of what I see as little crap. I don't know how it got so bad. I assume that his is really worried about my next surgery and is taking out his frustration on me not meaning to. I am very articulate and try to speak to him all the time but where I have a gift for speaking with anyone and getting my point across while preserving their dignity, ideas, and respect I utterly fail with him and resort to screaming which I am very ashamed of. I am always looking for new ways to approach it and trying to learn how to be as functional as I possibly can and take good care of myself and my family. Thank you for letting me talk and talking to me. My best and most sincere wishes to you and yours.

JCG32
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 62
   Posted 1/11/2011 11:10 AM (GMT -6)   
I can relate to you a lot. With my mom who is my closest support to me I tend to get upset and not stay calm but with everyone else I stay calm. Could you write your husband a letter and then read it to him? I did that with my mom. It helped not to get flustered. I do feel our condiitions impact our loved ones but it is their responsibility to learn to cope with us but also our responsibility to tell them what we need and to be kind to them. On a side note I don't mean to be negative but you stated you have OCD and it does seem that you like things done in a specific way. Now when others help us it may not be done in the way you want or you would do but learning to accept it may have to be. I think maybe a comprimise between the two of you where you both give a little. Maybe ask your spouse what he would like from you? For ex I went through a period that was extremly bad mentally with everything physically that happened to me. I was not coping but my family kept telling me that which did not help. So I asked then how should I cope with what I was facing? That started a conversation and I began to see more what I needed to do for myself but also my family saw more where I was coming from. I hope I making sense. Could you ask him if he is scared or that you feel he is taking his frustration out on you? I do think communication is key.I am sorry Chart too for your struggles with your spouse.

White Beard
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3694
   Posted 1/11/2011 12:38 PM (GMT -6)   
undetermined
I have read and reread your post and I am not at all sure that I understand what kind of problem you are having with your husband? Maybe I am missing something, but it sounds like he is very helpful and does allot around the house. And trys to do the things you want done.  I understand that you said you have  OCD  and that can present its own set of  obstacles in a relationship.  Are you being treated for that? And do you see a counselor and have you discussed this with him/her?  I mean I always thought a marriage was two people, that ideally shared in not just the everyday things in life but also the responsibilities.  I know when I was married, when it came to even cleaning the house, she would do certain things and I would do certain things. How she did her  cleaning was her business and how I did my cleaning was my business.  I know if my wife  complained that I was not doing something the way she she would do it,  I would give her a choice,  she could either put up with the way I did it, or she could do it her self! I mean as long as it got done, that was the important thing! If it was not done in the way she wanted me to do it, then that was her problem, not mine. But I do agree that both spouses should share in doing things, and if one can't do certain things, example I can not do certain things in cleaning, so she used to do those things and I would do others. She would do the tile and wood floors and I would do all the dusting and vacuuming. I often done most of the cooking, she would help with the clean up of the dishes. Shared responsibility!
 
 Anyway from what you have written, does your husband have any authority or say about how things are done? Does he voice how he wants things to be?  Is there compromise in between both of you? To be honest I am not getting that from your post. But as I say I could be missing something!  It does sound like you and your husband could use the use of a counselor. I am sure that it would not hurt your situation, and might greatly improve it. 
 
 I do wish you luck. and hope that things work out for you and your husband!
 
White Beard
Moderator Chronic Pain
After spending nearly 22 1/2 years in the USAF, I retired in Sept, 1991. I then went back to school and became a licensed RN in 1994, and I worked on Oncology and then a Med Surg Unit, I became disabled in late 1999 and was approved SSD in early 2002!-- DDD, With herniated Disk at T-12 and L4-5. C5-C6 ACDF in Sep 2009, C6-C7 ACDF in Mar 1985, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications:Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV I am White Beard with a White Beard!

undetermined_dimension
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 1/17/2011 3:04 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you all for your answers. You all have very very good ideas and I am really trying to figure out what is going on because every time I think we have an understanding he starts everything all over again. We met 12yrs ago and have been trying to figure out how to live with each other ever since so i'm having a hard time summing it up for anyone to understand and help me. I totally understand how all I wrote was confusing and I was mad when I wrote it so I wasn't thinking straight either. I really really appreciate you all taking the time to ask questions and give such insightful, helpful advice. thank you.

I got with him when I was 18 and we had to separate because we both needed to grow up and be better people. When we got together again when I was 21 and we had both changed quite a bit and worked out the things that broke us up the first time right away but living with someone is very hard and the longer we live together the more we have to work at it. We are both very strong personalities so when we fight we really fight and don't hear a word the other is saying and are just out to hurt, which we both are very precise and efficient at doing. I have worked very hard to overcome my OCD and talk to my dr about it when I feel I am not handling it well. I went from having a full blown panic attack when someone "did the dishes out of order" or "used the wrong cloth on the wrong thing" or "flushed the toilet without first closing the lid". I got help and now I don't even feel the need to look when my husband does chores and he is trying to be considerate about the things that are really really important to me. I very rarely have a problem anymore with feeling anxious about how the chores are done and if I absolutely must redo it I do it when my turn comes around next (we alternate chores) or in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and nobody will know, sometimes I just can't help it but I have not yelled about it, corrected in front of him, or got upset about the help he is giving me in 4yrs. I keep track cause it's like being on the wagon for me and I have to really really work at it sometimes and am very proud of myself at how well I have been doing.

We all discussed a chore chart to help us remember what needs done and who's turn it is to do it. After awhile everyone just feels unappriciated and that nobody notices so now we have it in writing and initial the chores we do that are extra so that they all get done and we can see how much we have been helping and do our best. It is a positive reinforcement rather than one of us having to remind the other or get mad because the other "forgot" or "didn't understand" , it was all discussed, negotiated, agreed upon, and is in writing. We set renegotiation terms for 3 months out so that at that time we can all talk about how it is working, new ideas, and change it if we need to and try it again for 3 months before we can change it again. This makes us give it our best and really take our agreements seriously. He still refuses to do his chores. He decides he wants to do something else, doesn't tell anyone, does it and then expects someone else to just do the chore that was supposed to be his because he decided to do theirs. Our chore list is broken up in sections and we alternate daily cleaning of Bathroom, Toy Room, Living Room, Entertainment Room and Bed Room. All daily chores that need to be done per room can be done by myself and within no more than 30-45 min's time (sometimes it takes me longer due to having a really bad day but I can still do it and do do it). After that we have a list of weekly chores, monthly chores, seasonal and annual chores that must be initialed so that we all know what has been done and when all chores in the section are initialed we erase all of them and start over. This eliminated doing the same "easy" chore over and over but forgetting to ever do the harder, nastier stuff and motivation to do the "better" chores is naturally there before someone else does them all and then you just have to choose from what is left until it gets reset again. He agreed to finish what he starts in one week time from when he says that he'll do it and has never kept his word about it. When he is asked to do something he gives a list of 100 reasons why he can't. I have discussed that I what I need from him is ideas on how to do things because the other way is not helpful, he refuses. I have asked that when one of us feels like we are getting upset by the conversation we are having that we inform the other and write down what we feel the problem is, explain our side, and come up with 1-2 ideas on how to fix it. After we have it finished we agreed to come together and negotiate an agreement taking all ideas and compromising with each other. He refuses, he just wants to yell and stomp off and then come back later and tell me to just forget about it and be nice. He refuses to fix anything or keep his word about what we agreed upon.

Example: He is off from work for the winter. I and my assistant have many medical conditions and struggle everyday to go above and beyond our capabilities so we asked for his help since he is home. I talked with him about needing to lay down while the kiddos were down for a nap. I told him that I was exhausted and hurting badly and that my meds were making it hard for me to wake up. Could he listen for the kids and if he didn't want to watch them wake me up when they woke up. I awoke to fighting, screaming children who were playing unsupervised!!! I had entrusted my kids to another capable adult who did not stay within hearing distance and knew nothing about what they were doing. Luckily I am not a very light sleeper so they probably hadn't been up long and were the older kids, no babies, but they should never be left alone for any amount of time. they are special needs children who may be 6 and 7 but have the mental capacity of about a 3yr old. I was furious. He tells me that he misunderstood. He thought he was just supposed to listen for the kids and he didn't hear a thing! When I explained what listening for the kids entailed ( being within earshot, waking me up if I didn't hear them or being in the room as a supervising adult) and that I needed to be able to depend on him when I need a break he throws a fit tells me I need to be more clear, and is mad he has to help at all. "You obviously can't run a daycare right now and I don't see why I have to help so much when it's your job." this is what he says to me. Two weeks ago we discussed that I am doing extremely bad health-wise and am needing a pain pump, my assistant/roomie/bf just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and is currently waiting on test results so that the dr can start her on something that will help with the pain and get her back to functioning, the house we live in is expensive and big for my daycare (when my daycare is half full it pays 75% of the bills and we need the space to have as many kids as we do without walking on top of each other, my landlord has discounted our rent due to the fact we are a low income daycare and it is way less than any house it's size in the area we live in). If we did not get help we must move to a smaller house and decrease our occupancy so that we could run the daycare with only one person when needed, as it is right now both of us are "on duty" when we have kids here and never get days off because neither of us can handle it by ourselves right now and need two people to take good care of the kids and get everything done. We are exhausted, we need to either get some help or downgrade so that we can take personal time as well before we collapse. We all decided to work together because we worked really really hard to get this house, establish the daycare and provide me with work I could do, and have big plans for improvement for the next 5yrs that would improve our life and situation. The day before I asked him to listen for the kids he took the whole eve off and day off to go to a concert with a friend that we had purchased tickets months ago and we encouraged them to do nothing but have fun and have a nice holiday, which they did. The next day he slept in until 9:30 when the kids got here at 7:50, my bf was supposed to have the day off but got up to help me because I was alone so naturally I was upset but decided to discuss it with him later. I tried think about how to say what I need in a nice way. I was having a very hard day and hurting very badly. I had paperwork to do and the guy called to see if he could bring them over and go over it with me, my husband answered the phone and told him that he would take the kids so that I could have a break cause I was hurting and do paperwork with him, I was very appreciative and thanked him several times. We went out to the garage so that we could have quiet and discuss business, within 5mins here comes my husband to stand next to me, I excused myself and asked him if I could help him with anything he said no and kept standing there so I finally said "honey, you need to go back in and take care of the kids, you agreed to replace me." I said it calmly but probably had a bit of frustration in my voice for obvious reasons. He said "b/f had taken over and was making them lunch so he didn't think he needed to do anything." I explained to him that it was supposed to be her day off and he needed to go help because there is plenty of work for two people especially during mealtimes. He says I don't know why your being such a b**** and storms off slamming the door (note: in front of our friend with whom I am conducting a business arrangement) storms into the house and yells at everyone for misbehaving. I am mad at this point and don't want to talk to him anymore. He leaves the house all together and I can't take a nap while the kids do because I sent my bf to lay down and I have no one to listen for them if I fall asleep. he comes back 2hrs later and doesn't understand why i am upset. Later that day he said I though you were going to take time to talk to me so I said ok follow me we can go speak in the garage while I have a cig. I explain that I need his help if we want to keep the daycare and house. He says that he lets me sleep in all the time and why can't he sleep in once in awhile. I explain that I sleep in on the days we don't have kids and that me and my bf have had to work everyday together just to make sure we can do it. I need him to get up with us and help with the morning too. I explain that when I ask for him to listen for the kids he must do all that I said above. Then he gets mad. You want me to do your work for you so that you can be lazy, sleep in, not do anything, take naps all the time and I don't want to do your work for you. I told him that was not what I was asking and that I was not asking him to do anything that I am not doing on a regular basis and constantly. he yells that I am a lazy b**** and that he refuses to do my work so that I don't have to do anything. I finally have had it. I cannot make him understand that I ask for nothing that I don't do myself and that he agreed to help and does not want to give up the house so we need help keeping the daycare going until we get the medical attention we need so that we can do it ourselves again. He has no compassion for me at all unless I'm in the hospital otherwise he expects me to do everything i have always done: take care of the house, yard, cars, bills, telephone calls, appointments, money, shopping, holidays, and on and on and on. He refuses to do anything by himself. If he makes a mistake he refuses to fix it and then uses it as the reason why he doesn't want to be responsible for anything because he just doesn't know how and always messes it up. I explain that it is a learning process and you can't expect to be perfect every time or right away but he says he doesn't want to learn and why can't i just do it cause I'm good at it. He just wants us to "get over it and be happy" he doesn't want to grow up, help, learn or be responsible he just wants me to stop asking anything of him and not be such a b*** all the time and why am i so stressed doing all I have to do is not so hard and plus i'm good at it so it should be easy, i've never needed help before, he can't he works, he's depressed cause he's not working, i'm home all the time i should be responsible for everything cause i'm here, doesn't matter i worked for years out of the home and still did all of it he doesn't remember that. I'm at a total loss and kicked him out today and I don't feel sorry or miss him yet but I know he'll come home and just want it all to go away. I don't know what to do. He makes life miserable, he makes more work for me, he has no compassion for everyday things that I struggle with, I am starting to hate him. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I have tried everything. I love him and when he's good he's really really good, for about 2 weeks until he thinks that i'm not mad anymore and won't kick him out and then he slowly starts doing the same things again! and then wonders why I can't let anything go. Because you keep doing it over and over and over and have been doing the same stupid crap and treating me badly for 9yrs straight!! I don't know if it's even worth it anymore. I don't want to fight anymore I just want him to disappear. I don't want to be embarrassed when our friends come over and ask me why he is not helping and why the projects they have heard him say he was going to do are not yet done when he is not working or helping with daycare! I have one friend that comes over and gets on his butt and makes him fix things with him while he is here!! The landlord asks why can't my husband do some of the work he has said needed done so that we can make our rent!!! I don't even know what kind of advice I am looking for. I don't know what else to do it really seems like it is not even worth it.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16278
   Posted 1/17/2011 3:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I can't offer advice but I will say this appears to be a situation that has gone on along time. People change because they want to change. He sounds like he is happy with himself and he has no intention of changing for you or anyone else. You already know you can't change him, we can't change people. You said he will want to come back and act like he will change and he doesn't so this has happened before. Sometimes we finally have to admit some things just don't change and move on.

I applaud you for trying to hold things together but can't help wondering if at this time with your health being as it is perhaps its all too much of a big project to take on. It sounds like this will be you and your BF running the daycare and everything else. I just wonder if perhaps you have bit off a little more than you can really handle. Perhaps now is the time to take a hard look at your situation and decide what is really possible to do and not include him in the picture. Otherwise, it will be the same old story just a different day.

You mentioned needing a pain pump. That is pretty serious step to take with CP. I know my pump was implanted June 2005. Is there a problem getting your dr to implant the pump or what? Have you done the trial for the pump yet?

I wish you the best in whatever you decide but I just don't think I would be counting on his help he has laid his cards out on the table that he is really not interested in this. Good luck.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

southviewgirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 1/18/2011 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It does seem like this has been going on for a long time. It seems as though he is not interested in helping with the daycare. As much as you want his help and think he should help, you can't force him to do so.

I agree with Straydog, it may be time to re-examine things and decide what is best for you, with your health being where it is.

I know it is stressful being in pain, and being the loved one of the one in pain. You have certainly done a great job at holding things together, but at the same time, I think it may be causing a lot of stress, having to handle all of this. With your daycare paying 3/4 of the bills, it may not be an option to not do daycare, but you could downsize on the number of children you care for.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your house and with your health, and that's making everything that much more stressful.

I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.
-We must be the change we wish to see in the world-
(Mahatma Gandhi)

*Scoliosis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Spinal Stenosis, Osteoarthritis, Loss of Lordosis, Endometriosis, Kerataconus, Flast back syndrome, TMJ, loss of bladder func. indwelling cath. for 6 months.*
*20 surgeries- 8 spinal including 6 fusions and 2 for staph infections, 9 pelvic including full hysterectomy, 1 knee, 2 cesareans*

undetermined_dimension
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 1/20/2011 4:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and offering such heartfelt advice.
 
Things finally hit a pinnacle and I ended up kicking him out. It broke my heart as he is such a good man who truly loves and cares for me but just really needs a wake up call and be forced to grow up and be my partner or to stay a child and be without me (which I find ironic that he'd have to grow up without me because he'd have no one to take care of him). He called all our friends and begged them to help him get back with me. They all told him that he'd have to step up and stop doing his stupid stuff which I guess they'd been trying to tell him for a long time as well. They all called me and helped us work things out. He came home and put up the kitchen lights (been waiting two yrs cause I can't keep my arms over my head to do it myself), brought in wood and chopped kindling, cleaned the whole house and has been doing all his chores consistently for a few days now with no complaints, and has been really thinking about how he is acting when I ask him to do things and has been still having issues but i've been telling him really calmly that he is hurting me and that's not fair and walking away and he has been coming back to me within a half hour or so saying he is sorry and has a idea of compromise for me. Things are not perfect and I don't expect them to be but he is at least trying now and will learn in time I just needed him to start trying. My health is never going to go back to being ok so he really needs to be my main support and understand how to run everything if he wants to have this life we have worked so hard to build. I laid down some ground rules and a few absolute no no's like screaming and slamming doors which is unacceptable and he knows if he does it it will mean an automatic week at his parents so we shall see. He has not had any responsibilities for so long this is going to be a long hard haul but I know he can do it. I had offered the idea of downsizing the daycare and moving to a smaller place but that is not what we want but it will be my reality if I don't get help running things so if I have to go with that he has been told that he will no longer be able to live with me because I don't think I could ever forgive him if he didn't do his part to save us. He is the only man for me and we would probably date the rest of our lives but I wouldn't ever let him live with me and take care of him ever again if he let me fall and make me to this all on my own. Even his own parents told him to straighten up, lol. So I feel very supported and loved. I know he loves me I just spoiled him because his mother did and I didn't want to deal with his bad habits and half-assed way of trying.
 
As for my pain pump I am seeking a pain clinic that will take me on scholarship or sliding scale as I have no insurance, state insurance doesn't cover pain clinics and have no resources to self pay in full. This is the only thing standing in my way of getting one. We have tried everything under the sun to help me and reduce my pain to tolerable and failed and it's only getting worst. I have just turned 30 this last Dec and the pain pump will be my 3rd surgery 3yrs in a row. I am sooooo done. I can't function hardly at all anymore and my mind is so fuzzy and my heart is breaking watching myself go slowly further and further down the drain. I am really hoping that with the pain pump I can get some of my life back. We have put so much into our place and it will improve everyone's life around us including our own so I can't just give up. We soon will have a wind generator to supply us with power, chickens for food and eggs, llamas for wool and protection from wild animals for our chickens and can be taught to pull a cart to help me with the chores and the daycare kids, a community garden and orchard, and a big enough kitchen to can and dehydrate for all of us for winter. This has been my life's work to get this farm and to lose it after only 2yrs would be devastating for me. I got really really sick just before we moved in and have gotten worst ever since. I am dying inside to see my dreams turning to ashes as it took me 6yrs of hard work to afford to move here and be able to keep it. If I can just get back on my feet and my mind back with this pain pump I would be eternally grateful.
 
Well take care and thank you all for your input!! Blessings.

Pete trips again!
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 1/20/2011 9:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow U/D, your plate is really full for a 30 y/o w/ failing health. My heart goes out to you! From what you've written (I read the whole thing!) your man is still a child and needs to do some growing up! Of course we are only getting half the story from your side (there's always 2 sides!)
I'll be married 30 years next Sept. and if there's one thing I've learned in all this time trying to keep our marrage going against all the odds it's>> Marrage is not a 50%~50% propisition, it's both partners giving 100%!!! Men and women are just "different" and can sometimes look at identical sittuations and see something completely different w/ both swearing they are right!!! It may be the most logical way in your mind but your partner just doesn't get it the same way!!! It's just the nature of the beast! (Estrogen vs Testosterone!!)
I know that money is probably tight and you stated you don't have insurance but I highly recomend some councelling for you and your B/F!!! It's worth every penny! You may be able to see a Clergy member if you can't find a government run agency that will help you. Letting someone else look at your relationship from the outside can help greatly!!! It did for us or our marage could have been through only a couple years ago!!!
I'm sorry if I sound bossy or like a know-it-all, I'm not!! Thats for sure!! I'm only trying to help a fellow CP'er! Thats why we come here> To help each other.
Good luck to you my new Friend!
Hugz>
Pete
PS> Back in my 30's w/ two small boys to raise my wife ran a day care out of our home for years! I remember it well and it wasn't easy!!!
When I was young & stupid I broke almost every bone in my body and I'm paying a heavy price now but I'm still here and so glad to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men, both are in the Navy. I'm so proud! My biggest health problem>> I'm a certified Luny~Tune!!

ohthepain
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 353
   Posted 1/20/2011 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
I could certainly think of a few things but my #1 thing I wish he could understand is that if it's frustrating for him to see me in pain & hear me complain its 10x as frustrating to live like this!

Just my 2 cents ;)

Carina
~ Carina~

Fibromyalgia, Bulging Discs (L4, L5-S1), DDD, Spinal Stenosis, Facet Joint Disease (Overgrowth), Osteoarthritis, Acid Reflux, Hypothyroidism, ADD, TMJ, Migraines, Depression and Anxiety.

Opana, Lorcet, Abilify, Cymbalta, Lyrica, Zanaflex, Klonopin, Armour (thyroid), a diaretic, Nexium, Triliplix (cholesterol)

“Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.” –Benjamin Franklin

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16278
   Posted 1/20/2011 12:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I would really, really consider what Pete suggested about getting some counseling. The comment about if he does something wrong he goes to his parents for a week sounds more like grounding a child rather than a grown man. You both really need some profession help if you intend on this relationship to last. As Pete said there are two sides to every story. If nothing else perhaps you clergy man can help out.

Good luck.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 1/20/2011 7:47 PM (GMT -6)   
My LO, is lacking in communication and understanding. I love him with all my heart, but he needs to really learn to listen. He is stubborn, well so am I (LOL) and when we disagree, we really disagree.
Like last week, he has been communicating to a friend who has had in the past past relations with him. I asked him out of consideration to just tell me "hey I'm calling XY". Thats all I asked...and this was on a conversation we had on his break at work. After we hung up, he and goes and calls her, without telling me! How I know, Big Mistake Buster, make sure the Lady is NOT with the woman in question first... He came home to a locked bedroom and no warm supper. He had to learn to fend for himself for a week, before he figured out to apologize. The way he does things makes it sound like they are in a relationship, but he's never late from work, everything adds up except those calls.
Don't Care Bout Nuffin No More, Guess I shouldnt even be in this world

mentalcompass
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 1/20/2011 8:31 PM (GMT -6)   
First, you're living my dream and you're doing it in pain and ill health. Running a farm is serious business and with your physcial limitations, I applaud your bold move. Granted you didn't know you'd be this sick when you took on the role, but dreams are meant to be reached for, yours is in your hand. What about sharecrops and a true community garden where you'll get help working the crops, tending to the animals, and the people assisting you get an education in farming. There are a number of these type of farms around here and I've so wanted to run one myself. I'm having a great deal of pain thesedays myself and I'm 41, I'm afraid I've missed the boat on that dream, unless I get my health back. But I have a half acre and a huge house I just got before I got sick too, it was a real whack to the head to have that happen just after my bid was accepted. You have to make this work and, yes, he has to be the man around the farm, you can't do it. Maybe there's some denial on his part, if he accepts that he has to take the lead role physcially, he admits you're not well, deep down maybe he just can't face that fact. If my health continues on this track, my husband will be in the same situation: breadwinner and doer of all household work. He doesn't understand yet, it's new for us, I did it all before too, but he's understanding, albeit slowly, that life sometimes changes everyone's course. If this means anything to him, he'll do his best, as you do everyday. I agree that a good counselor might reach him in ways you cant.

Scarred_for_life
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1560
   Posted 1/24/2011 1:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I would first off like to say hi. I know we haven't met yet, but I feel like I know your pain and how you feel. I am on the other end of that spectrum. Hubby does everything with no complaining. I feel so useless! Can't do the dishes with at least two hours to do it in. So hubby picks it all up. We have stairs to the basement where the washer and dryer sit. I can't handle the stairs all the time, so if I do laundry I have to sit down stairs while the laundry is being done and hubby carries it all up without even a single complaint.

He keeps a reminder of all appts. Takes me to and from appts and goes in with me when I see the doctor. He even has a notebook that he keeps all appts in plus what we have discussed at the previous appt written down. He is a doll and if I could clone him I would! My hobbies which used to include hunting season has completely gone by the way side. He enjoys hunting but I cannot walk very far before the pain is horrible and makes me cry. So I don't go with him anymore, but he has found a new hunting partner, which makes me a little jealous. But I know that he has to have his fun time too and I keep reminding myself that he needs this time for himself.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. My meds are catching up with me and I'm losing my train of thought. The one thing I did want to tell you is this: fighting with one another only leads to hard feelings. He or you may say I'm sorry but there will always be resentment deep down that yelling at one another has caused.
I live to "Tame My Pain!" 
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