Need to vent about being at someone else's mercy OT

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
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   Posted 1/13/2011 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   
I choose not to drive very far from home. There are many reasons, the medication fog, vasovagal faint and vomit response from sharp pain when I twist or lean down, and the possibility of causing an accident because of medications. So I go very short distances if at all.
I had an appointment this morning, asked my mother to take me weeks ago when it was made. Yesterday she tried to cancel so that my sister's daughter could stay the night and be driven to school in the morning. So I found another ride. She felt bad and asked me to cancel the ride. She pulled a guilt trip, so I did. It doesn't mean anything to her that she constantly does this and cancels taking me at the last minute because I am not convenient. Guess who didn't show up this morning to take me to my appointment 13 miles away? I drove myself and threw up along the way. I made it just in time to the office because if I cancel under 24 hours before the appointment time, I pay $60 to my psychiatrist. I don't have $60.
She always shows up late, so I tell her 15 minutes earlier than I need her. It is one of my pet peeves to have someone not show up or cancel and leave people hanging when they need help. I hate this. She used to forget to get me from school and activities when I was younger too. But I am at the mercy of other people for transportation. She gets angry if I take our county transportation and gets really upset if I call a friend or church member for help. So I am constantly making her angry by asking for rides or asking someone other than her.
I hate not feeling comfortable driving. My appointment next week is over an hour away, and I don't know how I am going to get there. My fiance just began this job and can't take off, and everyone I know works. Just a stupid frustration to add to everything else. I dont expect her to change because it will never happen. But why can't she stop harping at me about asking others for help because she is undependable?

All-Seeing Eye
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Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 201
   Posted 1/13/2011 12:39 PM (GMT -6)   
i would quit relying on her for the time being. I think she is being selfish when she gets mad for you asking for someone else to pick you up. It is HER fault in the first place that you must seek an alternative. If I were you, I would seek rides from more reliable friends from now on and I would hope she notices! She needs to realize that she is hurting you everytime she flakes out on you. There is absolutely no reason to be that unreliable unless she just isn't taking you seriously.

Give her some space, and I bet she will realize the error of her ways. I hope you find someone who you can rely on. Good luck.

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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16799
   Posted 1/13/2011 12:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Since she has this track record then you know she is not reliable which puts you at risk of missed appts and its just not worth it. It really is not her business how you get get to any place you are a grown woman. Chose the people you know you can rely on and if its someone from the church so be it. Really you are the one in control here.

By doing this it would be much less stressful for you.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

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Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 1/13/2011 2:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry about all this. I agree with the other posters' comments about relying on someone else instead of her for the time being. If she wants to get upset that's her fault, because she is the one putting you on the back burner. I know it is a big responsibility being there for someone else like this, but the fact is that she is the one insisting on helping and the backing out when it is not convenient. It would be one thing if you were forcing this upon her, but she's the one who is getting upset when you ask for help from people other than her. So yeah, to me, this is her problem. She needs to figure out what her priorities are. If she doesn't have enough time to do this for you, then she needs to be honest and help you set up another alternative. Not just get mad and huffy when you are forced to do things due to her backing out at the last minute.

I hope you figure something out, and I also hope your health problems are addressed.

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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 1/13/2011 5:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I must concur. I would simply cut her out of your life in regards to your appointments and seek aid from people you know you can rely on. When I say cut her out I mean do not even tell her when your appointments are. If she asks tell her that you don't remember and you don't have your appointment book handy to look it up or tell her that the doctor's office has not called you to schedule your next appointment yet.

If that does not work then tell her the truth. She is too unreliable and these appointments are too important for you to risk missing them and if she gets mad so be it. She is suppose to be an adult and she will just need to deal with it and get over it.

The bottom line is that this is your life, your health and you have to do what is best for you.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/13/2011 8:08 PM (GMT -6)   

Your mom gets a big thumbs down from me. I know what its like to have to drive everywhere sick. I have the same problem with the vomiting but my blood pressure shoots up really high at the same time. I have had to be picked up by ambulance from the side of the road a few times. My fiance can't drive due to his eyesight and my mom is always working.

Enough about me, let's get to you. I would let my fiends help and not even tell her about the appointment and if she asks say "you didn't ever care before don't start now". Tell her to stop signing up for things she won't do. It might sound harsh but she's been treating you harsh your whole life. It might surprise her if you take a stand. Good luck. I would also let her see this page so she can see what others think about what she's doing.

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/14/2011 7:07 AM (GMT -6)   
I did take the steps yesterday to cover my appointments that are close to home, whether it be county transportation ( I qualify because of my medications and temporary disability my doctor filed months ago) or friends and am waiting on a good friend from church for the longer trip. Those steps were a given!If she wont let things be, hopefully I will choose my words carefully to not deliberately be hurtful, but I know that no matter what they are she will be angry and mean. There is no talking to some of my family about anything. You tell them that something they did was mean or hurtful, and suddenly you are facing insults and childish behavior. There is no way they did anything wrong.
I am still angry and hurt and unwilling to talk to her, so I have unplugged my phone. I have learned not to talk to family when upset, because family can push buttons so quickly and things may escalate. It is safer that way.
Thank you all for the support. It feels good to know I would not be the only one upset by this.

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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 1/14/2011 9:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Just remember, you are not responsible for your mom's feelings. If she chooses to get angry because you've arranged another ride, that's her issue, not yours.

I think you should contact other people for the time being if you need a ride. In the meantime, you can ask your mom outright why she "forgets" to pick you up - I think that's the bigger underlying issue.

Good luck,
DX: Fibromyalgia, Severe Myofascial Pain, Chronic Pelvic Pain, Surgical Adhesions, IBS, IC-PBS, Carpal Tunnel (both wrists), FAI, Type 2 Diabetes, Reynauds, Visual Migraines, Drug Related Hot Flashes, Hard Start for IV's, Unable to vomit due to surgery.

Meds: Oxycontin, Tramacet, Cymbalta, Cesamet, Flexeril, Clonidine + Vitamin D + Multi daily

Mrs. Dani
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Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 1/14/2011 11:01 AM (GMT -6)   


     You know... Here we have something called "Medi-Cab". You have to make arrangements with the cab company a full 5 days in advance. They will drop you off 30min before your appointment time and you may have to wait up to 30min after your appointment time to be picked up. But it is dependable. You would be surprised how many hospitals and states have similar programs. Ask the admin at the hospital or call the local cab company to find out who participates in this program in your state.

     I have had multiple surgeries on my eyes in an attempt to restore my vision. In the end the implants and protein removals did no good. The tissue is degenerating and softening while the cells on the lens is stripping. So.. I am at other mercy as I have no public transport in my small town. What works best for me is stating time 30mins ahead. For everything. 

     I have to agree with Susie on this one too... if your mother isn't reliable, then she just isn't. No amount of manipulation can change that. She just isn't reliable. She hasn't been in the past and likely will not be in the future. Sometimes, for whatever the reason, some folks just have issues with certain aspects. "Follow through" is your moms. It isn't a big deal, but you don't have the time to help her struggle through this aspect of her life. She will change when she wants to and not a moment sooner. So, relax, and get someone else to help. Say a quick prayer that she can change that aspect of her life... on her own time.   :-)    


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator

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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 856
   Posted 1/14/2011 11:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I would be upset and hurt. I agree with the others. I would rely on someone else for my rides. If she gets hurt that you're getting rides from other people, can you just not tell her that you're going at all? Easier said than done, right?

Thinking of you,


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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 1/14/2011 4:05 PM (GMT -6)   
My mom is the exact same way. I finally have struggled to learn not to tell her much of anything. Sometimes I even lie about when my appointments are. If my appt. was on the 15th, I'd say it was on the 25th. Then I'd either say I was feeling better & canceled my appt. or that I had to move it up due to an emergency. Other times I'd pretend I only had to go once every 3 months so she'd stop asking about it for a while (course she kept asking if I was feeling okay & if I didn't need to go earlier -- she could drive me [yeah, right. *sarcasm*]). Or I'd say I could drive myself.

I asked my church for help getting to appointments. I used to love to help people get to appointments when I was younger. My church split it up so no one person was "burdened" with having to take time off work/out of their schedule to help out. Someone volunteered to set up a schedule for rides to appointments & church and they rotated through different people to make sure it was all covered.

You just need to find good people and surround yourself with them. No more relying on mom. All that's doing is adding to your stress.

Pete trips again!
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1899
   Posted 1/17/2011 7:58 AM (GMT -6)   
MM I think you took a BIG step cutting your Mom off when it comes to getting rides! You already know she's gonna get mad but it's either that or missing or being late to your app's! I think it's a no brainer! Good for You! I also know what it's like to have family get unruly for what they think is "Being Rude" by not including them in your life when it comes to my own health. It's none of their Biz! As long as you can get a ride by someone else, I would continue doing so! Your Mom will get over it and if she can't, it's sad but it is her problem, not yours!!!
Good luckm and keep us updated!
When I was young & stupid I broke almost every bone in my body and I'm paying a heavy price now but I'm still here and so glad to see my two sons grow up to be fine young men, both are in the Navy. I'm so proud! My biggest health problem>> I'm a certified Luny~Tune!!

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/17/2011 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Pete, Dani and Frances~
I have church members and friends helping now. I allowed myself to get stuck in that situation again, but have learned now just to take care of rides myself. We don't have Medi-Cab, but we do have a van system that goes through our county and the next, which will help with the monthly appointments that are close. Thank goodness I only have 1 of those!
It was a surprise! When I asked for help, it was there. What a blessing to have friends close by, and friends here at HW too!
Thank you all!
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