I know exactly what you mean, oh, how painfully true your words are. The viscious circle that is my life. The downs seem to out number the ups. I'll push through someone, be momentarily pleased with myself, and then the pain sets in and everything comes crashing down.
More and more lately life has crashed on me. I can't see anything positive, I'm tired of hurting, I'm starting to sleep alot in the day time, I can not fathom a future like this ... the list goes on and on. What am I doing about it? I'm talking to my doctor Monday about anti-depressants so I can wage warfare on my emotions. I can't live like this anymore or I'll find myself in a very dark place.
There was a time in my life when I would have buried myself in my work, but now I can't. The old "labor of love" or "loving my labor", however you want to look at it, is gone. I can remember going outside and getting lost in the simple act of pulling weeds and cleaning the yard. Between oodles of foul weather the last few weeks and no longer having the ability to pull weeds without putting myself in dibilitating pain, I don't have many options. IT's gotten to the point where I don't know what to do anymore except seek professional help.
Admittedly I'm hiding this from my family lately; if they knew how depressed I was they may only try to smother me with attention, which isn't what I want. Also I don't have the greatest track record ... I had some issues in my early teens, and as a result when my depression hits a certain level my family starts to watch me like a hawk for /other/ warning signs. Those days are behind me. At least I'd like to think they are. It's hard some times though to see the light at the end of the tunnel, given every time I think it's a light it turns out to be a bloody train. All I can do is dry my tears at night and hold myself and know that tomorrow is a brand new day.
Originally injured 10/26/2007 - Initial diagnosis; Tendonitis
Spent next year seeing specialist after specialist; Bone, Muscle, Hand, Neurologist, Chriopractor, Physical Therapist...
Went through a battery of tests, multiple MRI's
11/16/09 I was finally diagnosed CRPS - Stage 2
Permanently disabled, on Percoset.
February 2011 successful SCSU trial
No surgeon willing to do my SCSU Implant