It is good to hear from you. I had noticed you have not posted much and I hope it means you are recovering. I see now that your body, just does not want to cooperate. What you describe is something that we have all struggled with at one point or another. You asked very specific questions though so I will try hard to answer them.
So does anyone else struggle with this cycle also?
I used to. I had to see a pain psychologist right away. Remember I was 27 when it all began, I am 30 now. So to fully grasp that I was no longer "me" and that I had to create the new "me" took a lot of work. I was very young and I just kept thinking," By God, I am 27! I CAN push through this.." The bad part of course is that my body pushed back and I found out how little I really had control over.
What do you do to overcome it, or change your outlook to positive?
Like I said above. Therapy. A very long time. I still have evaluations. After care and support group plays a pivotal role as well. Also, I am very content most of the time. I really am. I hear often "How do you stay so positive?" I often ask the obvious "about what?" "Why not be positive?" It always seems that the ones asking those questions are looking at my medical problems, my limitations and my... not so good outlook for a year or even two years in the future. I really don't think of it that way too often. For instance when a friend asked me the other day.. I was very happy with the warm sun and the gentle breeze. I love early morning coffee. So the question caught me off guard as I was happy in that moment. I am happy in the moments. I just don't think about the future too often. There is nothing I can do about it. Pondering the future doesn't help. Thinking about the pain doesn't help. Besides when I do reach my level 9 I pass out and vomit anyway. Then I am just grateful for a glass of water... Do you get what I am saying? I live in the now, the here, the present. I occasionally ponder the future here with all of you... but I rarely think of it on my own.
Do you ever find yourself pushing through activities only to suffer later both physically and emotionally?
In the beginning I did. Now I do as much as I possibly can. Then I keep attacking my goal until it is done. Some goals take a while and require quite a few breaks. Others take days and excess naps. I'm Im like the goat that keep challenging the ram. I know I will reach my goal one way or the other. As long as I keep at it, it will come in time.
Am I the only one struggling with my self-esteem and seeing myself as worthless at times?
I don't think I am worthless. On the contrary.... I think of myself as rather useful. Okay, so I am not high powered accountant anymore. As I have adapted my life and who I am, I found I was very useful in many many other things.
Now.. self esteem. I need to get a recent photo of myself. I will make it a point to do so so that everyone can see what I look like. My right hip is rotated out toward the rear of my body and rotated up towards my ribs. My chest is pushed out, likewise my shoulder blade sticks out and my collar bone is uneven. It is plainly obvious I am a spinal deformity. I might as well have a huge sign over my head. Now everything else though is perfectly manicured. Hair, nails, skin, clothing, social skills, lifestyle.... I just happen to have curves. By God if I am going to look like this I am going to make darn sure I look great and feel great on the inside. I go out of my way to look good even for myself when I will only be home all day. You have to enjoy yourself and the way you look / feel while you are alone, before you can exude that around others.
I really hope you are doing okay tonight. I hope you are able to get plenty of rest.
~~> Pain Linked to Emotions
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood Chronic Pain ModeratorMail