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momtofourangels
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 3/9/2011 12:03 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't know what to name this, so i put question marks.

I wish I was close with some of you like a lot of you are close to each other.

I'm really in a lot of pain and I'm really depressed right now. I just don't know what to do. These are times when I wish I could just go and be with my babies. I'm not sure if you know or not, but I lost three of our babies due to miscarriage and our daughter at 20 weeks pregnancy. I wanted to be a mother ever since I was young, seems like all my life. I got pregnant three times and lost all four babies. My last pregnancy was with twins. I was too scared to try again.

I'm in so much pain right now. physical pain, emotional pain. I just don't know what to do. :(

I guess I needed to come here and see that I'm not alone.

I don't know what else to say. I will let you all go now. Take care.

Loretta

MsBunky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1097
   Posted 3/9/2011 12:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Loretta, I am so sorry you are struggling with so much sadness right now. Chronic pain is such a thief...it steals our lives away from us...at least, the lives we should be living.

I'm sad for you that you've had to experience the loss of your babies. I had a miscarriage during my first pregnancy, but I truly can't imagine the losses you've had to live with. I can certainly understand why you're feeling the way you are right now.

I'm not sure if you've considered counseling, but it might be a good idea for you. Talking to someone who is "outside" of your life is usually the best way of figuring things out for yourself. Your counselor is there to guide you along, so you can see things in a new way. I hope you will consider it - no one should be feeling as sad as you sound right now. I know there are online places to call for help - hopeline.com is one of them.

Regarding your physical pain, are you currently under medical care? Have you talked to your doctor about your feelings, as well as the increased pain you're having? You need to be honest with your doctor - if what you're taking isn't helping, then the doctor needs to know that. Are there therapies you can try that might help - massage, a hot tub, chiropractor, etc?

Hang in there Loretta...I know it feels like the end of the rope is near, but you know the rest, about tying a knot and hanging on. Please don't give up (my motto is " There is ALWAYS Hope!"). You know you can always come here for support.

Gentle hugs,
Pam
DX: Fibromyalgia, Severe Myofascial Pain, Chronic Pelvic Pain, Surgical Adhesions, IBS, IC-PBS, Carpal Tunnel (both wrists), FAI, Type 2 Diabetes, Reynauds, Visual Migraines, Drug Related Hot Flashes, Hard Start for IV's, Unable to vomit due to surgery.

Meds: Oxycontin, Tramadol, Tramacet, Cymbalta, Cesamet, Flexeril + Vitamin D + Multi daily

mrsm123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1235
   Posted 3/9/2011 12:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Loretta,
I'm truly sorry for your losses. Loosing a child is so hard, no matter how much time passes and everything someone offers as comfort does little to bring any. I know, I've been there. I spent most of my 20's trying to concieve and carry a baby to term. Spent countless thousands of dollars to different infertility drugs, and tests. I did manage to get pregnant and lost that baby at 18 weeks. I almost bled to death from hemorraghing and for many years wished that I had. I didn't even know that I was pregnant until I lost the baby.
I couldn't see babies in stores, and couldn't go down aisles in stores that had diapers or baby food for a long, long time. I finally, for my own sanity gave up on the idea of ever having a child.
Many years later, I got pregnant on my own, and a few weeks after finding out, miscarried that baby too. I got pregnant a third time, and spent the entire pregnancy on either bed rest or daily trips to the hospital to stop preterm labor and bleeding the entire time, pre-exlampsia, eclampsia and much more in the way of complications. We tried for two years after our oldest daughter was born for another child and wound up back on fertility meds and IVF procedures finally worked and we were pregnant with twins. More complications, including preterm labor, placenta privea, and hemorraghing yet again, diabetes, pre-eclampsia, and a lot of other things. I lost my second child's twin and almost lost her too a week later. I had a total of 3 pregnancy losses before I gave birth the first time, with the blessed assistance of some wonderful fertility specialists, perinatalogists, and nurses who took such excellent care of me, that they got me through some horrible circumstances that could have easily become another loss. There are 6 years between my youngest daughter and my oldest son. There were more 5 losses and more heartache.
If you need to take time and let your body and mind heal from your losses, there is no shame in doing that. I know many couples who have struggled to concieve and then had losses of their babies who have had to take a break.
It may happen all on it's own and it may be that when your body is ready and your heart has healed some, that having a child is in your future. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and someone out here does understand your pain and offer an ear to listen.

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 3/9/2011 12:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Loretta,
 
Just wanted to let you know that you are really not alone.  There are a lot of us out here that know where you are and feel the same way.  I'm 45, divorced, a chronic pain sufferer, and always thought I would have a family at this point in my life. 
 
Unfortunately, the time was never right for me to have children and I basically ran out of time and ability.  Unless I get lucky(which I'm usually not), and end up marrying someone with family, I'll end up the lonely old lady with the cats.  The thing that has been the most devastating to me has been that I've always been hyper-sensive to my monthly reproductive cycle, as it has always given me problems.  A couple of years ago, I had to have my female "plumbing" disconnected to resolve some medical issues.  Thus, any remote chance that existed for me, any remaining hope I held onto was finally and forever snuffed out by a surgeon's scalpel. 
 
At the time, I was at least in a committed relationship, but unfortunately, that has now gone by the wayside as well.  So now I am completely alone, except for my cats, and am back trying to find someone to share my life with, a prospect that seems to get more daunting as time goes by.  So you see, you are not the only who is struggling with these issues.  I often wonder what my life would have been like if things had been different, but I remind myself that it's pointless to spend time on the "what ifs" since the past can't be changed.  I can only look foward and try to be positive that I can't have suffered all this time in vain.  I'm a firm believer in KARMA, and by all counts, my number is due to come up soon.  Life has certainly got to get better for me.  I have to believe that and I choose to do so.  I hope you can do the same, and I'll keep you in my prayers.
 
Hang in there.
scool  
Leigh Ann
•On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems
•Divorced, 45, spawn-free

"THE WEATHER IS HERE, I WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL." -Jimmy Buffett

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 3/9/2011 1:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Loretta,
 
I wish I could give you a hug right now!  I'm glad you already have gotten some wise, comforting words... in fact, a couple of people who posted here got me through some really rough moments in my own life over the past year. 
 
I don't understand why some have such a difficult time having babies and have so many loses - especially someone like you that I can tell would make an amazing mom.  I've had one miscarriage - and I know how rough that was...so I really can't imagine how your heart hurts.  I'm so sorry for your losses, Loretta.  I really am.
 
The other women have said it all so much better than me... so I'll leave it there.  But I'm glad you posted and shared.  And you are definitely one of us here - part of our family.  Please continue to share and let us support you through the hard times.
 
Thinking of you tonight....Hugs, Loretta... --Tina
 
 
Main Health Issues: Dysautonomia/POTS; CFS/Fibro; Chronic Pain (back issues, migraines, carpal tunnel, among other things); Chronic Hypertension; Hypothyroidism and Hypoadrenalism; Mixed Sleep Apnea (on BiPap); Depression/Anxiety; Vitamin D Deficiency.

flower123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 856
   Posted 3/9/2011 4:17 AM (GMT -6)   
I wish I was close to people here too. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I am so sorry for your losses. I know that words can't offer much comfort for the many tragedies that happen in life.

I thought that I would have a family by now too. I don't know if it will ever happen for me. I think about it every single day, and I just don't know if it will ever be.

Please know though that you are not alone in how you feel.

Sending hugs,

Flower

momtofourangels
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 3/9/2011 5:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Thankyou all so much for replying and sharing your stories with me, and for the support. You just never know when you will run upon a woman that has lost a baby. Since I have lost our's I have heard of many many of them that have lost their's. It gives you such an empty feeling. I have four holes in my heart that are not filled, if you all know what I mean.

I lost our first baby at 15 weeks back in 1997, our second baby at 12 weeks in 1999, and our twins in May and August of 2000. Yes, it's been quite a while, but I still have days that it hurts as much as the day that it happened. I have given up because I don't think I could handle it if it happened again. I'm 45 now and I don't know if I could get pregnant now or not.

I'm so sorry for the losses of your babies too. it hurts like no other hurt when you lose a child. I cry every time I hear of someone losing their child because I know their pain.

I feel better today as far as my emotional side, but I'm still in a lot of physical pain. Last night I felt like that i couldn't go on. I am so blessed to have my HW family to come to when I need the love and support that you all have given me. God bless you all that have replied to me and those of you that I know will read this but didn't reply. That's ok. For one reason or another you didn't, and that's ok.

I hope you all have had a low pain day and will have a low pain night.

love and hugs
Loretta
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees

Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 3/9/2011 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I have emailed you directly Loretta. This issue is very close to my heart and one I hope we can discuss at length.

You are in my prayers.
Failed fusion L5-S1, Pituatary damage, HGH Def, Fibro, Bladder surgery failure, Nissen Failure, GERD, OCPD, GAD, MDD, CTS (Bilateral Surgery completed), CFS, TMJ, Migraines, Vit D, A, Magnesium deficiency, Pre-glaucomic (sp?), HBP, Idiopatic Reactive Hypoglycemia, Edema, too many Drug/Food allergies, sensitivites, and current meds to list.

momtofourangels
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 3/9/2011 7:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you retiredmom. I will read the email.
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees

mama6
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 3/9/2011 9:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Loretta cry ,
I can feel your pain right through my computer.It makes me feel for you so much Don't ever think you are alone..WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU!!
I was pregnant with twins at one point and lost them as well, in that way I can relate to the pain of your loss. I wish I could give you a big hug right now and say something that would help.

I have days of not wanting to fight and hurt anymore but you have to stay strong, for you. I know how easy that must sound but it's what you have to do. It is not fair!! All of it. Your losses, your pain and the spiral it takes you down. You are strong though. Strong enough to come here and open yourself up to strangers and say this sucks!! I commend you for that. Hang in there we are here, take care of you. Heather
Big Hugs, Mama6

DX. with Fibromyalgia, Narcolepsy, Rhuematoid arthritis and Osteoarthritis, Herniated disc 3x in last 7 months
Meds: , Cymbalta, , Hydrocodone 5/350,Hydrocodone 7.5/Nabumetone,thyroid med, vitamin D, Iron,methocarbamol,muscle relaxer,

Mother to 5 wonderfull kids.
Allow me to be strong just another day.

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 3/9/2011 11:53 PM (GMT -6)   

 

   Dear Loretta,

   I am so sorry things are so hard right now. I do not know about your medical history... but I know that there are many children in the US in foster care that would love to have a Loving Mom and a stable home. I am terribly sorry that the hurt and the pain is haunting you. Out of 5 pregnancies I only had 2 live births. 2 children and 1 short term adoption. I feel very blessed! But the hurt and longing for what I lost so many times is still very real.

     I hope you are doing a bit better by now. Know we will say an extra prayer for strength.

*hugg*
   dani


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator
Mail

Rhaevin
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 230
   Posted 3/10/2011 12:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Loretta,
 
*hugs* I'm so sorry about your pain, both emotional and physical. I know lately it seems to be going around, this bleakness that attacks our souls and makes us wonder if tomorrow will be brighter, and makes us ponder ... why do we go on? Why do we get out of bed every day? What does tomorrow hold? And of course .... Why us?
 
I feel so sad in my heart to hear about the problems you've had in regards to children. I would happily loan you mine for a few days if it were possible, but I some how doubt UPS would let me over night express him to you. I am lucky to have him, admittedly, though some days with my pain I feel like a failure. At 8 now he is having to take care of his Momma, having to help open things I can not, and having to grapple with the fact that he can't rough-house with me the way he'd like to, that I can't afford to buy him a pony ... and I no longer have a horse safe enough for him to ride. I wish I could get him a puppy, but where I live I can not. And I wish I could give him the greatest gift he longs for; a brother or sister. But due to my bizarre allergy I can not have anymore kids. To do so would kill me. Just carrying him to term nearly killed me, and infact I went into full active labor three months ahead of schedule as a result. I spent the following two months on strict bed rest and still delivered a month early. I was extremely luck with him, lucky that we both lived. I feel sorry though... he has a father who wants nothing to do with him. The one time he met him (as he left us when my son was three months old) it was strictly to 'use' him to convince his new fiance' that he was a great "father" given she had a son also.
 
You are closer to people here then you realize, and alot of us are just a click away; you are always welcome to email me if you want or need to.
 
Remember, you're not alone. *hugs*
 
Yesterday is History. Tomorrow, a Mystery. But Today is a gift... that is why it's call the Present.

momtofourangels
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 3/10/2011 9:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry if I leave someone out.

Dani. I'm so sorry for your losses. you are really blessed to have your little girls. My husband and I want to adopt, but it's just too expensive. Selling babies is what it feels like to me, and that's horrible. I would just love to go and get one and bring it home with me.

Rhaevin. I'm so sorry that you almost lost your life and your little boy. What kind of allergy would cause such a thing? I've never heard of anything like this. I'm so glad that they were able to save you and him.

Thank you to all that have supported me while I was under so much stress, etc

God bless you all

love and hugs
Loretta.
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 3/10/2011 11:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh Loretta,

  Adoption isnt expensive. It isnt about "selling babies" *hugg* Here is some real facts about foster Care.

~~>  Adoption Facts

~~>  The National Foster Care & Adoption

   See? It is much different than you think. Just a thought.

*warm hugg*
       dani



TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator
Mail

Rhaevin
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 230
   Posted 3/11/2011 12:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Loretta.... are you ready? My allergy... it's well, please, by all means, blink, snicker, laugh, hoot and hollar; I do. Infact I often get a kick outta new doctors when they ask if I have any allergies, cause they always do a double take as if maybe they misheard me.
 
I'm allergic to estrogen.
 
Yes, I'm allergic to being a girl.  smilewinkgrin
 
It's nothing serious at this point in my life. I manage my natural estrogen levels with a progestron based daily birth control pill. I also manage my weight carefully, avoid soy like the plague, and can't have any more kids. It also means avoiding stuff like deprovara shots and the implants for birth control. Not unless I really wanna do myself in by injecting all that estrogen into me at once. It was explained to me that elevated levels of estrogen in my body caused an excess production of biosalts that my liver simply couldn't handle ... in turn causing my liver to shut down and slowly kill me. The first time it happened, and we had no clue, was no fun. There's several months of my life that are just missing mostly because I spent them in a near comatose state, waking barely long enough for my mother to shovel oatmeal into me before I passed back out again. 6 months into my term with my son all the same symptoms started back up again and that's when my OBGYN discovered what was wrong with me. Nomral liver panels are in the 60's, mine were in the 600's. Just a lil on the high side. My only concerns now is how this will affect my body as I near that time in life when everything should start shutting down and cease to work, but so far I've yet to meet anyone with the same issue.
 
That's me... I just gotta be different. tongue

momtofourangels
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 3/11/2011 9:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Rhaevin. I've never heard of such a thing. I guess it is pretty rare to be allergic to estrogen. Wow. That's really strange. I was wondering at first if I was reading this right. I'm so sorry that you went thru such a thing. How scary and I'm not laughing. How did they figure out what it was? Is your son ok? Did it do anything to him? Have you searched on the internet about your condition? If I were you, I would be finding out everything I can about menopause and what it might do when you start perimenopause. I would be talking to my dr. about it. How scary for you. What do they call your condition? Just an allergy? I'm sorry you can't have any more children. I'm glad you didn't try again.

love and hugs
Loretta
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees

Rhaevin
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 230
   Posted 3/12/2011 1:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Loretta,

I'm not sure if they have a name for it or not. To date I've never met anyone else with my condition. Usually they just file it under "allergies" on my paperwork. I've never done a search about it before, but with my age creeping towards menopause, I should start doing as much research as possible. I know though that I won't be taking any hormone replacement therapy! Most of the OBGYN's I've spoken with are really stumped. When I went in for my last annual the doctor I saw that one was the first one to actually give me the advice about managing my weight, as for some reason obescity causes a eleveated estrogen production. Same thing with the soy thing.

The first time I got sick they did a quick test and was affraid I might have HepC. They ran blood tests for my liver pannels and that's when they found the elevated levels, but they couldn't figure out why. I was on a daily estrogen based pill, and though I had a history of having issues with it, as well as my mother, they dismissed it. They were talking liver biopsy when I said "you know, how about I just stop taking these pills and see what happens." and sure enough about a month later I was showing signs of improvement. A year later and I was given a clean bill of health; everything was normal again. They prohibbited me from donating blood (I'm O-) though due to not knowing what caused the problem. When I started having all the same symptoms again during my pregnancy I had all my files from that time in my life transfered to my OBGYN. He did the liver pannels again and ran a few other tests, and that's when he figured it out.

Thankfully aside from the fact that I went into full active labor 3 months early, which they stopped, and then had to be on strict bedrest with meds to keep my labor from starting again, my son was unaffected by all this. I was grateful they were able to stop my labor, though I got the standard steriod injections for my son's sake regardless as a precautionary measure. He was born a month early, and other then being a little jaundiced (typical for alot of Colorado born babies from what I was told) he was fine.

My main concerns these days are just as you mentioned; how is this going to affect me for perimenopause. From what I understand the women on my Mother's side of the family tend to start early, or at least my grandmother did; my mother ended up having a hystocrectomy due to ovarian cysts. Most OBGYN's seem to think it should be a walk in the park for me given my estrogen levels are already supressed/lowered. I tell you what though, worst mistake I ever made was stopping my progestrone based birth control pills. I had no medical insurance at the time and was single, so I felt there was no reason to worry about having my pills. I was about 35 at the time. about two weeks after my pills ran out I was a wreck! Between horrid mood swings and having mild symptoms I all but raced off to a Planned Parenthood so I could get a new script written. I'll never make that mistake again. Of course now there's also a study I've heard about pain and pain meds and it's affects on hormone levels, so I'm sure that wasn't helping the situation either.
Originally injured 10/26/2007 - Initial diagnosis; Tendonitis
Spent next year seeing specialist after specialist; Bone, Muscle, Hand, Neurologist, Chriopractor, Physical Therapist...
Went through a battery of tests, multiple MRI's
11/16/09 I was finally diagnosed CRPS - Stage 2
Permanently disabled, on Percoset.
February 2011 successful SCSU trial
No surgeon willing to do my SCSU Implant
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