It's Friday and I should be happy....

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mama6
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 3/11/2011 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so depressed. I am over this RA stuff. I start methotrexate for the first time tomorrow. It gets to go with the plaquenil and predisone I have been on. I did not want to ever start this. I had heard bad things and read bad things over the last year about it. I posted on the RA Forum and they gave me such good advice about it and how it may make me sick and when to take it so I can keep working an taking care of my kids. Even though I just woke up today and threw my diet out the window. I am so tired. I know it's depression. I haven't felt it in a long time even with everything I have been through. I dreaded this day. The day before du du duhhhhh..that's how I feel. like I'm in a bad horror film that I know the killer is right around the corner lurking and yet I knowingly am walking right into it.(pretty dramatic I know) I want to scream at myself " Hey you don't walk around that corner." I have to though. the other meds aren't stopping the RA enough. So I have to. I hate being in a situation like this. My body aches, and hurts, doesn't move right, is to fat. I'm a let down to my family..they don't have to say it, i feel it. I am not me anymore and it sucks!!!

Some of my fear started with everything I saw my mom go through this year.
Background info, some may remember that my mother went through a double mastectomy this last November after dx with breast cancer. I have seen what the meds have done to her. She is so drained and not herself. The only good thing in her case is she doesn't work and has no-one at home. It's depressing in one sense but not having those responsabilities if she gets sick from the meds she can go back to bed. Does that make sense? No it sounds mean. I don't mean it like that. I love my mom and miss her everyday. 2000 miles away from me makes me ache. Even though we talk4-5 times a week I want my mommy.

sad UHGG I am just rambling at this point. I just wanted to vent. I know all of you have so much more than this going on, and that makes me sad and depressed too. cry
My hubby is taking me out tonight for dinner and drinks or something as a last call type of thing? confused Which is nice but i don't feel like it. I am going since he is being so thoughtful and am going to try to enjoy myself before D Day. Hope all is well. take care. Heather shocked
Big Hugs, Mama6

DX. w/ Low thyroid, Low Vit. D, Low Iron, Fibromyalgia, Narcolepsy, Rhuematoid arthritis , Osteoarthritis, Torn rotator cuff(2 year old work injury)

Meds: , Cymbalta, , Hydrocodone 5/350,Hydrocodone 7.5/Nabumetone,thyroid med, vitamin D, Iron,methocarbamol,muscle relaxer, Methotrexate, Plaquenil, Predisone

Mom to 5 great kids,who give me the strength to fight another day!

BigLucy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 413
   Posted 3/11/2011 4:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Quick response to say: I hear you and understand. Try to remember there are no "should" or "normal"--something I'm slowly learning as I mature and hopefully get wiser. Go out tonight for your husband and you will reap the benefit of his joy.

JCG32
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 62
   Posted 3/11/2011 5:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry but can relate. I have nightmares about my pain and things happening. A few thoughts. Do you and your mom talk about what went and continues to go on with her and how you feel?
I guess for times like this I just try to get through the day and hope better ones are ahead. I try to find things even if small to comfort me. Is there anything to cheer you up or comfort you?
I hope the dinner and drinks in the long run lift your spirits

momtofourangels
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 3/11/2011 7:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Heather I'm so sorry that you're going thru all this. Depression is so horrible. You're not a bad person. Like someone else said, you are a sweet, caring person. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you have are are enjoying the night out with your husband. You take care. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. Just think, it might not be as bad as you think it might be.

love and hugs
Loretta
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees

_Christina
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 3/11/2011 7:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I felt some of the same things when I started MTX about 2 years ago.  One thing that helped me was that I thought of what RA was going to bring.  I scared myself into taking the MTX and being glad for it by learning all I could about the disease.  I looked at the pictures.  I learned the history.  I learned the science.
I'll tell you, I scared myself silly, but I'm more scared of untreated RA than what the drugs might do to me.  I feel like I will trade longevity for functional time. I've poured over this decision, and this is the first time I have ever told anyone about it.  It's not that I would want to cut anything short, and I am not a fan of "right to die" choices, but I will take 20/10 of "good/bad" years over 15/25 anytime. Functional time is what I look for.
When I take the MTX I sit there and look at it in my hand for a long time.  Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to get up the nerve to swallow them.  Sometimes I swallow the water and the pills don't go down and I choke just because I have worked myself up into it.
You will find a way to deal with it because you know you have to.
 
As for feeling like you're letting your family down, I feel the same way with my family.  But you know what?  Every childhood is different, and those who see strength and pain and determination are stronger for it.  My daughters are the most compassionate people- and it's not just me who thinks so, other people tell me this. 
Strength is passed down to your children, and they will think and see differently than other children do, and it will be good for them.  Give them a safe place, and a mother who hears them, and tell them that they are loved.  Be honest with them while leaving out the scary parts if you can.  Let them help you.  You will give them a gift that you never would have been able to if you were healthy.
 
Think about standing at the edge of the pool.  You know that water is cold.  You know it will be a shock.  Take a deep breath, a big step and push off with both feet.  You can't swim, or even tread water, till you first take the plunge.

mama6
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 3/13/2011 1:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks everyone for all the support!! yeah All of you have made me feel so much better.
So I took the methotrexate last night. I fell asleep at 9:00 which is pretty early for me on a Saturday. I slept 12 hours, so I guess I needed it. I woke up tired but not sick. So I got up to fix food for the kids. about 5 minutes in I started getting sick to my stomach, so I had to go lay back down. My wonderful 12 year old daughter finished making food and i fell back asleep. So now I am just tired and woozy. the fun of meds huh?
Well going back to the couch to lay down and watch movies. Hope this Sunday finds you all doing well. Take care. Heather
Big Hugs, Mama6

DX. w/ Low thyroid, Low Vit. D, Low Iron, Fibromyalgia, Narcolepsy, Rhuematoid arthritis , Osteoarthritis, Torn rotator cuff(2 year old work injury)

Meds: , Cymbalta, , Hydrocodone 5/350,Hydrocodone 7.5/Nabumetone,thyroid med, vitamin D, Iron,methocarbamol,muscle relaxer, Methotrexate, Plaquenil, Predisone

Mom to 5 great kids,who give me the strength to fight another day!

_Christina
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 3/13/2011 1:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Were you given an anti-nausia to go with it?

mama6
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 3/13/2011 8:03 PM (GMT -6)   
_cristina,
He didn't give me an anti-nausea med. I do have some from when my migraines first started so bad. I din't take one all day because it hadn't been so bad unless I stand or sit. I have work tomm. so I may end up taking one then if i keep feeling blah. Only thing is they make me tired. I may have to take half and try to get through. I am tired but am having a hard time sleeping?? I figure that's normal?/ Heck, though who knows what's normal anymore! Hope your doing ok, Heather
Big Hugs, Mama6

DX. w/ Low thyroid, Low Vit. D, Low Iron, Fibromyalgia, Narcolepsy, Rhuematoid arthritis , Osteoarthritis, Torn rotator cuff(2 year old work injury)

Meds: , Cymbalta, , Hydrocodone 5/350,Hydrocodone 7.5/Nabumetone,thyroid med, vitamin D, Iron,methocarbamol,muscle relaxer, Methotrexate, Plaquenil, Predisone

Mom to 5 great kids,who give me the strength to fight another day!

_Christina
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 3/14/2011 6:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Heather,
Try ginger tea or ginger snaps to snack on through the day. A lot of the morning sickness "cures" do a little something for this type too. Ginger pills make me burp ginger, and that makes it even worse.
hope you feel better.
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