So as some of you may know my sleep habbits have been really off lately. Unable to get to sleep at a reasonable hour, up early to take care of my son, and then frequently I nap in the middle of the day. It's become a vicious cycle that I am attempting to break. I've been lighting scented candles or fragerencent oil in my room at night, practising my meditation, trying to find my center, my calm place, to quiet everything around me.
Of course then my pain gets in the way and that kinda shatters any attempt at peace and quiet. One night I remember I had to grab a spare pillow to rest my arm on. Normally I can drape it up over my head, but with my shoulder becoming such an issue I took to draping it over my body. Well, that didn't work either, again the shoulder, so I had to keep it out and relatively strait so the elbow didn't start in either; feather pillows are wonderful for this. I may have to invest in a body pillow at this rate.
I saw my PM doc on Monday, and we've got the meds back under control as far as my pain is concerned. He gave me some reassuring words of advice about the surgeon he's found me, and I'm actually a little excited to meet with him as a result. I may yet get that SCS unit I want. He asked how my pain was since I had the trial removed last month and I just shook my head; "Night and Day, doc... night and day."
So the night before last was worse then usual. I haven't had pannic attacks in forever, but I remember what they feel like. I'd done my meditation before I went to sleep, got my arm comfortable, and started to drift off, my hand resting atop my cat, her purr soothing to my pain. I don't know how long I was asleep till the first panic attack hit, but it woke me up; my temp spiked, my heart started galloping... I got myself relaxed and went back to sleep. It happened probably a half dozen times that night those panic attacks. I couldn't figure out why, and the lack of sleep put me on the verge of a major migraine. So I tried to catch a nap, tried being the word. In the span of an hour I had 3 more panic attacks. I gave up at that point; what's the point of trying to sleep if your body won't let you? And the nap was taken on my favorite couch with a blanket, as the weather was cold yesterday, and my hand was in agony from the biting weather.
Last night I tried to put the panic attacks out of my head, doing my relaxation exercises as usual. I had talked with my boyfriend online before going to bed, and this is the part where I hit confussion. He asked how I was, I mentioned about the panic attacks, wishing he was here to hold me; aside from that night when I had the bad pain flare up I almost always sleep better when he's around. I told him this, told him I missed him, that I wished he was here. So I asked if he was coming out this weekend, (he lives an hour away) especially given I'd be going to stay with him mid-week when I went to meet with my surgeon. He said no, that he'd be out the following weekend. I was confused and expressed my confussion, he replied that he was planning on cleaning his house this weekend. I was utterly confussed at this point. Currently he's unemployed, and our weekends are usually our time. I had even asked him what was going on this weekend that he wasn't coming out, and when he told me because of cleaning I just boggled. Technically he could clean any day of the week if he would just motivate himself to do so, he knows I'm not sleeping well and that I'd really love to have him here. The only thing that prevents me from going there instead is the fact that I can't afford the gas to make two trips out there given I have to go to to his town on Wednesday for an early Thursday morning appointment. I guess I'm just being selfish and need to suck it up, understand and accept it. It's hard from the stand point that he has somewhat championed his cause to get me to open up and depend on him more, to learn to lean on him, that he's there for me, and now when I need him, he's not there... and this is exactly _why_ I didn't want to get dependant on anyone other then my family. My own fault, I guess. I just need to stop whining about it and cope.
And yes, I did have another panic attack last night shortly after I went to sleep, but I only remember having one, and near enough I can figure the only real source of possible stress to be causing them so suddenly is the fact that I am meeting with this new doctor for the first time next week, the man who could, or could not, end up doing my SCS implant for me.
Sorry for the rant and the whining... guess I need some cheese to go with this post.
Originally injured 10/26/2007 - Initial diagnosis; Tendonitis
Spent next year seeing specialist after specialist; Bone, Muscle, Hand, Neurologist, Chriopractor, Physical Therapist...
Went through a battery of tests, multiple MRI's
11/16/09 I was finally diagnosed CRPS - Stage 2
Permanently disabled, on Percoset.
February 2011 successful SCSU trial
No surgeon willing to do my SCSU Implant