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Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 3/22/2011 8:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey everyone, I am so glad to have a computer back!!!  I crashed my old one, so hubby got me a new one so I can be back in the tech world =)
Over the last few months, life with pain has gotten darker and more bleak.  I was fired from job over my "disability" (yes I am fighting it), I now have no insurance, no job, no social life really.  I wake up in pain, wait for meds to kick in, do what little I can do around the house in intervals, and then wait for kids and hubby to come home, and then its cook dinner, help with homework, etc. 
Last night, hubby told me that I have become a cold, distant person.  =(  That I never talk anymore, and that he doesn't know what to do.  I was stunned!  I am not cold and distant, but stifling my pain and hiding my hurt so that he and our boys don't know what I am feeling.  They don't need to see it.  I literally shut myself off after our conversation, and cried myself to sleep. 
I feel worthless enough as it is, and now I am told I can't even be social and am a cold hard person.  I feel lost in this sea of pain and dismay.  I don't know what to do.

Screaming Eagle
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 3/22/2011 9:47 AM (GMT -6)   


        Hello Fyrfli!

              I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, and it can be a rather common occurrence between a spouse and or a relationship involving a person suffering with Chronic Pain.

      One thing that I noticed in your post was your admitance that you were hidding your pain so that your husband and boys don't know how your feeling. That in itself can be cause for part of the problem. Communication is key in dealing with Chronic Pain within a family setting.

       For many of us, we tend not to want to burden our loved ones with this constant battle of pain. On the other hand, some of us dwell on it 24/7, and our loved ones never recieve a moment of rest from us talking about it.

      I do remember at one point, I was complaining almost every moment to my wife, on a constant basis...and I do mean all the time. It had consumed me completely!

        At times I really do wish that families would get some sort of counseling when it is determined a member is suffering from Chronic pain.

          I'm wondering if you are on ER med's or IR med's? Are you seeing a PM for your pain? I can tell you that for me, once I recieved the ER med's (Oxycontin) my demeanor certianlly changed for the better. My wife noticed it right away, as I quit complaining 24/7, and I engaged in more of a normal conversation with her, and the complaint of pain was absent for the most part.

        You're feelings are normal, and we also tend to recluse into what looks like, what you just described to the members here.

          I encourage you to seek an Appointment with you're Dr and see if an adjustment is needed with your medication dose. And I would also encourage to sit down and visit with your Husband, and explain excatly what your feeling.

              Take care,

       SE wink         

Post Edited (Screaming Eagle) : 3/22/2011 10:03:12 AM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 3/22/2011 10:41 AM (GMT -6)   
A lot of us here are dealing with things/emotions that you are dealing with and I would urge
you to go and see a pain management psychologist, first go by yourself and then include your husband
in a visit. Chronic Pain or any Chronic condition can cause many problems with our lives on
so many levels, but to me it seems like your hubby wants to know and is caring, don't turn away
from the ones you love, they do care and they do know something is up, hiding your pain is not
going to help, (just my input in no ways do I mean this in a bad way).
Hope you can get a low painday soon.
Healing Hugz
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

Miss Blossom
Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 3/22/2011 11:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Fyrfli,
I am really sorry to hear that things have been particularly difficult for you lately. I can relate to shutting yourself off. I spent most of the winter by myself and I am typically a very outgoing person. I just thought that I was not very good company. All I seemed to be able to talk about was my pain.
I don't like what the isolation is doing to me, so I have made a goal to do something social at least once a week. Also I realized that if my friends are still asking me to do things that they still like me and are empathetic to my struggles. I can't decide for them what they can handle and how long they can handle it for. I just have to let them be my friends.
So I am reaching out again. I have also come here, so I can share and vent in another setting. Getting things off my chest here helps free my thoughts for other things...
You aren't cold or distant. You are clearly loving and protective, but they can't see that if you don't let them. I know it can be hard to hear negative feedback from your loved ones, but at least he started a conversation. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't care.
 I agree with the other posts as well - there are resources available, so you don't have to do this alone.
Good luck and keep sharing!

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 3/22/2011 2:23 PM (GMT -6)   

I am sorry that your husband said that to you. I agree with SE, that hiding your pain can cause our families to feel completely disconnected from us. I have a fiance and 2 sons, 11 and 12. They felt the same way about me around a year ago, that I was cold and shut off from the world. I too was devastated at the time.

I learned that some men do not want to be spared the knowing our pain. My sons and fiance love to help me, hear about the small successes of housework that I get done or do not get done each day. Some days are worse than others and I can't share or do much of anything. When they understood the level of my pain, things became easier. They could better understand why I was quiet or isolating myself. Things have improved for us now with counseling and time. My fiance enjoys feeling needed and knowing he helps reduce my pain with assistance, supporting our family, and helping with the home and family when I need him. It took us time to get to a new give and take than what I had been giving and taking before my pain became unbearable. Some days we succeed. Others we don't.

I will pray for you. It hurts, I know it does. I pray you come to a better place soon and that you have some pain relief.


Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 230
   Posted 3/22/2011 3:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm so glad you're here, Fyrfli. This is a wonderful place to come and talk with others, about many aspects of what we all deal with.
ScreamingEagle is very right, in that frequently by hiding your pain you are shutting your family, especially your spouse, out of your life. I know from my own personal experience that I put on my brave face and hid my pain for a number of reason. I didn't like getting accused of whining or appearing weak. But that was only when I went out around strangers and around friends. My close friends know the truth, to an extent.
My son is the tough one. He's already very protective of me, but I don't need to cause undo worry. However when he does forget about Momma's bad arm then he can be to rough on me, or get frustrated when I can't do things with him he really wants to do. Only then do I remind him of my bad arm.
Your spouse is another matter though. Your front line of support needs to know what's going on with you, the good days, the bad days. It's hard not to let pain govern our lives, but to make it easier we need to remember how to smile, and find those things we can do that don't cause pain that we can enjoy with that special someone in our life. Would you like it if you knew something was wrong with him but he didn't say anything to you about it? Shutting someone out, even if it's only one aspect of our lives, is still shutting someone out.
Also by not knowing when you're having a bad day you're hurting yourself by cutting yourself off from your number 1 support person. How can he help you, even if by nothing more then holding you and letting you cry when you're frustrated or hurting, if you keep him in the dark all the time?
You're not a cold person, on the contrary, you're a very loving and caring person; you are obviously trying to spare your loved ones from having to feel helpless because they can't do anything for you. But they can do things for you, but they have to know. They will not think less of you for being honest and open with them. I don't think your husband meant to hurt you with his words, that's just how he's feeling; hurt that his wife is shutting him out, when all he probably wants to do is help.
Originally injured 10/26/2007 - Initial diagnosis; Tendonitis
Spent next year seeing specialist after specialist; Bone, Muscle, Hand, Neurologist, Chriopractor, Physical Therapist...
Went through a battery of tests, multiple MRI's
11/16/09 I was finally diagnosed CRPS - Stage 2
Permanently disabled, on Percoset.
February 2011 successful SCSU trial
No surgeon willing to do my SCSU Implant

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 3/22/2011 10:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I realize what your husband said hurt, but at the same time it would be wise to hear what he is trying to say to you.

You yourself said you are trying to hide how much you are in pain, and I think that your husband may very well be misunderstanding what you are doing as also walling yourself off from everyone around you that loves you. It sounds like he may be hurting a lot too, emotionally, because he does care about you and is at a total loss at what he can do to help you through things.

One thing to keep in mind about men, is that they, we, are fixers and doers. When something is wrong we want to fix it, make it right, and when we can't or don't know what to do we are like little kids lost in woods.

At this point I strongly suggest sitting down with your husband and talking to him about what you are feeling, what you are doing, why you are doing what you are doing etc. Help him to understand and tell him what you need him to do to help you. It is times like this that can either drive a relationship apart or forge it so that it is stronger than ever.

And the suggestion of seeing a counselor who is knowledgeable is pain issues is a very good one, IMHO.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 3/22/2011 10:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Fyrfli - thinking of you. It's not easy to hear a loved one say such things :(

CRPS since 1999, diagnosed in 2005 and since spread to full body, spasms, dystonia & contractures, gastroparesis, orthostatic hypotension.

On Oxycontin/Endone, Topamax, Mobic, Magnesium, Florinef, Somac, Cipramil. Have a spinal cord stimulator, intrathecal pump with baclofen & bupivacaine and doing physio.

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/23/2011 12:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel each and everyone of yours pain. My husband has said more than once to me over the last 2 years your just not the same person anymore your a miserable person to be around... I am like no kidding you try taking 20 different pills a day and that is just to try and do a few things and I am still in pain.. ((((hugs)))) to each one of you and know you are not alone and things may not get better as soon as we hoped and for some of us this is as good as it gets but we all have each other for a support... I am thankful for all of you.

Oxycontin. oxycodone. nortriptylne, gabepentin, coumadin.. artficial disc at L4/5 cage at L5/S1 torn illiac vein during surgery. now Chronic severe DVT in left leg and will lose foot in the next 5 years..

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16779
   Posted 3/23/2011 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I really have to agree a lot with what Jim has written. I am notorius for hiding how rotten I may feel. By doing so I am really sending and giving off some bad signals too. A lot of mine is just the fact of being tired of talking or hearing about it. It is not a denial thing either, I am way past that one, lol.

I hope you canl get a better handle on this soon. Take care.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 3/23/2011 6:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions!!! I needed to hear it all =) I hadn't even realized that I was shutting them all out by hiding my pain and misery...I wasn't looking at it that way, and I needed to!! I had a good long talk with my husband, and told him why I have shut down, and even though he understood, he still wants to be there for me, and to hear what I am feeling. I have to find a middle ground, somewhere between shutting him out, and constantly

Jim, you are right, and my husband said almost those exact words, about fixing and doing. Even though he knows he can fix it, he wants to help in whatever way he can even if it is to be my shoulder to cry on.

I am so glad I have you all to talk to, otherwise I would still be pissed at what he said, and not looking deeper at the situation.

Gentle Hugs to all <3
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