Here is what I said at roll call, with some added comments at the bottom. I wanted to present the story here because I would like feedback on it and roll call is not the place for that.
I started the week with new pain meds that I thought would be "just the thing" for me. I was building up on the dose and on Monday got to what the script was going to leave me at. With the changes I had a great dose of HOPE that went with it. I felt great. I still had some breakthrough, not not enough to keep me from doing what I needed to. On Thursday I was supposed to call the PM nurse to say how things are going, and I forgot for a couple of reasons, but mostly because the pain was low enough that life stuff had my attention instead of the pain. Saturday I had some more breakthrough pain, enough to cause me to use all sorts of topical and still have to slow down with pain I could still feel enough to stop me from doing what I wanted to do.
On Sunday I had LOTS of pain despite taking the medications and all the topical and wrapping and cooling and heating and sitting with cushions and stuff. it felt like a betrayal of what the new meds were supposed to do for me. I know that this is a process, and it is a long months/years type process not a days/weeks type process, but the feelings persisted anyway. I stayed upbeat for my family and friends through the day, but when my husband woke up after sleeping off work at about 7pm I cracked and cried and got a speech on how I need to stay positive and it was a low dose and I need to call the PM office in the am to let them know about it. I know this stuff and he doesn't know how hard I pushed to keep it together all day because he was asleep all day.
I have seasonal affective disorder along with bipolar, so I typically become like a "bottle rocket" at this time of year and my moods become on the higher spectrum. It usually has happened already, and my pain levels decrease when it happens because i just don't notice it as much in the higher moods. (also depression hurts itself, so higher moods hurt less) Well it hasn't happened yet, and that's weird and I wonder if it is the increased pain or the increased pain meds that are doing it. Either way I am back to guessing what is going on instead of having some idea based on what previous years have been like. Also, I having minor mood fluctuations that make me More or less able to cope with stresses and pain tolerance. I am unable to predict what it will be like from day to day or even from hour to hour. I am unable to control it, and my friends and family are getting annoyed that I seem to seesaw back and forth on the same issues and they can't tell how I will be from day to day.
As the pain increases I am losing holds of the control of my bipolar issues. I want to hide from it all and escape the stress and (terror?) of constant instability.
I do not want to die, I want to hide or sleep until I'm more under control, but I am scared that I have been asking myself that question seriously and increasingly regularly and I don't know the answer until I have thought about it for a little while. I am near the end of what I can handle by myself and I don't know where to turn to give the reins to someone else. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I will tell her all of this (probably print it out for her to read) and see what she does.
I called the PM this morning and had the tramadol increased from 50mg every 12 hours to 50mg every 8 hours. (but that doesn't help me NOW!)
I went to a dietitian today because my PCP wants me to lose weight to put less stress on my load bearing joints so that they will last longer since I have RA and have lots of pain in them. The dietitian basically said everything that I already know, already do, and suggested that I eat smaller meals throughout the day rather than 3 meals when I remember them and count calories to keep within limits. ha, I was hoping for something a little better than that.
I hurt so bad right now my stomach is soured. In all the major joints in my body.
I think about whether I should check myself into a psychological program at the hospital, and if that would help or hinder my pain control process. My pain tolerance and mental status is so connected, it's hard to tell what is causing which symptom.
I feel unstable, and confused, and scared, and mental and physically tired. I need an escape hatch.
Post Edited By Moderator (Mrs. Dani) : 3/29/2011 10:43:10 AM (GMT-6)