If you have kids, how do cope (with your pain)?

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flower123
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 856
   Posted 4/13/2011 3:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Everyone. Okay. Thinking about having kids. I know how difficult it will be. Actually, I am sure it will be much harder than I imagine.

Hubby really wants them, as do I. So, lets say, God willing, I have a successful pregnancy. Are there things you can do to deal with your pain and your child? I don't even know what I'm asking here. Any tips I guess for any of this. We both definitely want kids. I'm going to follow doctors orders regarding everything while I'm pregnant (if I can get pregnant).

Hugs,

Flower

Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 4/13/2011 4:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Flower....
 
I swear I'm going to bed after this last post :)  I've been on here way too long tonight....!  Insomnia is terrible. 
 
Anyway, you've been around and read my posts re: my kids, illness/pain and so forth.  For the first 10 years or so of having kids - I had migraines and we just learned a system of coping.  When I got really sick, though - things got very complicated, to say the least.
 
I'll answer any questions regarding pregnancy and all of that.  But I think it sounds like your questions really surround how to cope with a baby/child while having chronic pain.  Is that right?  Let me just say - it IS possible.  I could give you a zillion tips - but the main thing I would say to someone is just learning to have flexibility. 
 
If it's a bad day....and you have a baby/toddler/etc. - you put a blanket down on the carpet (or outside) - throw down some toys, books, etc - and you rest.  As they get older, you teach them that there are days when mommy hurts and they need to play quietly....or whatever.  You try to build a support system in whatever way possible - family, friends, church, etc. 
 
It's about getting organized.... and just being prepared for the harder days.  When they are babies - you can put everything you need in one room - diapers, clothes, snacks/food for you, etc - and just take care of your needs, too.  Again, it's all possible with a bit of planning, some organization, lots of flexibility - and letting go of any "expectations" of what it "should" be like.  I look back to my first couple of kids - and I wasted so much time worried over the most stupid things...and exerted energy that was just pointless.
 
I've said this before - through my health issues - my kids have learned patience, compassion, resilience, how to cook/do basic cleaning/etc - and how to put the needs of others before their own.  Oh, they are still kids and sometimes get frustrated and just want me to be healthy and well, of course!  But, all you can do is the best you can do.
 
If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask.  There are other moms here, too, that have done it... so it definitley is possible.  I think you'd make a wonderful mom, Flower, just from what I know of you here on the board.    Hugs - Tina
Many, many health and pain issues.
Many meds - including Atenolol, Effexor, MS Contin, Dilaudid, Actiq (oral Fentanyl), Soma, Vitamin D, Iron (for anemia), Synthroid...and on the list goes.
Personal: I'm a Christian wife and mother; I have six sons and identical twin daughters.

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 4/13/2011 4:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Flower....
 
One last thing - from experience.  Many OB's don't have a clue about treating a pregnant woman who has chronic pain.  I'm sorry - I can't remember what your specifics are right now, what your meds are and so forth.  But I would really encourage you to either interview a couple of different OB's and get their views on treating a pregnant, chronic pain patient OR get a consult w/ a perinatologist (high risk OB). 
 
Again, if you have further questions or whatever.... ask away or always feel free to e-mail me.
 
Take good care.... and good luck to you. --Tina
Many, many health and pain issues.
Many meds - including Atenolol, Effexor, MS Contin, Dilaudid, Actiq (oral Fentanyl), Soma, Vitamin D, Iron (for anemia), Synthroid...and on the list goes.
Personal: I'm a Christian wife and mother; I have six sons and identical twin daughters.

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 4/13/2011 10:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Tina has wonderful advice, Flower. Do what you can do each day. Life with children is ever changing and can be the greatest joy and job you will ever have. You are going to be a wonderful mother when the time comes. Just try to be flexible with yourself.

Mindy

NiNi53
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 816
   Posted 4/13/2011 6:22 PM (GMT -6)   
i  wish you much luck having children, with me at least my cp happened after i had 2 children, also when i was first injured in 1989 it was slow going at first and didnt interfere with my being a mom. you also seem to have a great partner so you will have help, i am and was a single parent. but as i said it was a slow progression until around 1994 then it had much more impact on my girls. by the time i became disabled in 1998 my girls were in 9th grade was the youngest and my other daughter was in 11th grade. on a less serious side, just know once you have children you will never, and i mean never go to the bathroom by yourself, have a conversation on the phone without constant interuption, get dressed by yourself, as a matter of fact i cant think of anything that once you have children that you will be doing alone. but then maybe thats the best part of having children huh? they continue to be the lights of my life, and now i have 2 grandkids ages 5 and 9, and so it begins again. there truly is no greater love.
degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy, lumbar laminectomy july 1998 no help, rechargeable neurostimulator unit low right back w/lead wires to left side and right leg unit not working just sitting there.i am 57 years young in may will turn 58. i have 2 grown daughters, 25 and 29. i have 2 grandchildren, 9 year old grandaughter and 5 yr. old grandson

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/13/2011 11:09 PM (GMT -6)   
The advice given is certainly good, however I want to point out one thing. There are some things when it comes to caring for a child that you can't put on hold at all no matter how bad you are hurting. Such things include feeding them, especially when they are very young, changing diapers, tending to their "boo-boos", etc.

I don't want to discourage you from having children I just want you to think about these things and make sure you can do it or at least have a good, highly reliable, support system in place on days when you can't.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 4/14/2011 12:42 AM (GMT -6)   
When you have a child.... no matter how bad the pain is - and trust me - I live w/ a constant 7/8 pain (on meds) and have heart issues.... you are right, there are things you can't put on  hold.  It isn't easy - and maybe that's what you were trying to convey, Jim.  But it can be done. 
 
I've got twin babies that I'm doing it for right now.... and, no, I'm not supermom, not even close.  Everyone says "Oh, but you've got all these helpers" (my six sons).... Well, their job is not to raise babies.  Yes, they occasionally help out - which is what a family does - but it ultimately falls on me. 
 
Just food for thought.
--Tina

Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 4/14/2011 9:40 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with everything "Momto8kids" said, it can be done, it'll just be a little harder.
Raising a child is equal to a full time job and that child will come first...and no one is
a supermom regardless, you do the best you can and no regrets...You'll do good mainly
because you asked, which shows you care...but also know not all babies are born normal,
my daughter was born with a heart condition (which in not on either side of the family)
and she had to have open heart surgery at 12 days old, it was the hardest thing for me
to go thru (heart conditions do not always show up on ultra sounds), but hopefully
your babies will be just fine, that'll be my wish to you, to have normal babies...
My daughter is now 20 and at University, doing good so far....
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Flower123)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Make sure to take a folic acid supplement and eat oranges before and during your pregnancy...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/14/2011 10:07 PM (GMT -6)   
My comments were not really directed towards anyone in particular, and I certainly do not recall much of anything Flower has posted about her condition(s), but I have seen many posts on here by many members saying how their pain gets so bad some days they can not get off the couch, out of the chair, or out of bed, which is why I made the comment I did so that potential parents would think about those times when they are going to have to either put their pain on the back burner and/or make sure they have a good support system in place. In no way did I intend anyone to think having kids or being a good parent is not possible when you have special issues. It is possible, and many people with all kinds of issues do it every day.

I have 2 kids, one is almost 21 and the other is 5 1/2. The youngest one I have been a 24/7/365 caregiver to since he was 6 weeks old, and I started having major health issues from the time he was about a year old, including chronic pain. Just wanted to add that because I know in more "traditional" homes the Dad's understanding of what child care really entails is less than the Mom's due to not having to do it all the time.

Personally I would like to commend Flower for taking the time to think about this and ask questions. It shows she really wants what is best for any child she has and that kind of care, love and compassion says a lot for what kind of parent she will be when the time comes.


Organization: Set things up so they are easiest for you.
Teamwork: Have your spouse do the things that are rough on you and help make sure everything is ready to go at the start of the day before they head off to work.
Support: Make sure you have several people you can call to help you if need be while your spouse is away if need be.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 4/14/2011 11:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Jim,
 
I get what you are saying.  I do.  I just guess it was just the wording or something that made me respond.  I think we all know - no matter how horrendous the pain and/or our health - that the basics need to be done.  The kids need to be fed, diapers changed and so forth. 
 
All of your suggestions were very good ones - organization, a support system and down the line. 
 
I guess what I wanted to convey is that someone w/ a chronic illness/pain sometimes needs to throw away that "ideal" picture of what things need to look like.  Not every day is going to be a trip to the park, dancing around the living room, going to the zoo, visits to friends/family - and on down the line. 
 
Case in point - I felt awful today.  I have about 3 days a month where I'm in bed/on the couch.  But we adapt.  Sometimes my mom/mother-in-law can help.... but today I had to do it alone.  I had help preparing bottles this morning so that all that was needed was warm water.  I had diapers/wipes/changing pad within reach.  Their basket of toys.  And on it goes.  Even if they were 3 or 4....I would have done the same thing - had snacks, food already together in the fridge....confined us to one room....played games, read books, coloring books/crayons, etc. 
 
It was more of me letting go of the perfect little picture of what a parent does - the proverbial "mommy/daddy" guilt.  When my first several kids were born...and before I got so sick.... I was a neurotic perfectionist.  There was no way my kids could EVER miss a bath, are you kidding?  Everything was scheduled.  We had play dates, mommy and me classes, we did crafts every day, etc etc etc.  Ahhhh, it exhausts me to think about it.  Don't get me wrong - there were some amazing memories..... but it was an exhausting schedule to keep - and I was healthy then!!!! 
 
Getting so sick taught me the true priorities of life.  The needs of kids are really darn simple.  They just want to be played with, their basic needs met - and loads and loads of LOVE.  Missing a bath is ok!  Staying at home is ok!  Shoot, even being bored is ok! 

Sorry if what I said came out wrong before, Jim.  And, yes, Flower - I think you are very wise to explore these issues now.  It shows your heart and your caring.  If you have any other specific questions, please feel free to ask. 
 
Hope this all came out as intended.
 
Love, Tina
 
Many, many health and pain issues.
Many meds - including Atenolol, Effexor, MS Contin, Dilaudid, Actiq (oral Fentanyl), Soma, Vitamin D, Iron (for anemia), Synthroid...and on the list goes.
Personal: I'm a Christian wife and mother; I have six sons and identical twin daughters.

flower123
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 856
   Posted 4/15/2011 3:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow. Thank you so much to everyone. My condition: I was in an accident years ago, and my back is really messed up (disk damage, nerve damage, etc.), and won't get any better. A slew of things is wrong with it.

This is something I have thought about for years. I am already taking vitamins. They are prenatals.

I do have a huge support system. I have a big family, and they all do help me a lot. My husband does so much for me, and he really wants children. We have discussed all of the accommodations that will have to take place beforehand, in planning, and when we have a child. When I say discussed, I mean for hours on end, and for probably the last three or four years. This is something that I don't take lightly.

Momto8, I love the idea of having everything in one room. Hadn't thought of that! I'm sure I will take you up on your offer to answer questions. I think that I will have a million of them!

I guess that I'm just scared. It sucks (for lack of a better word) to be this way. Deep down, I know that I can do it. I know that it's something that I want with everything inside of me, but I know that it will be very difficult. I've been working with children for years (my profession), and I babysit a lot with my hubby for some family members, but I know it's different when you have them at home 24/7:) When we babysit, he does a lot more than me. We have discussed that it will probably be that way when we have kids, but I am trying to find tips to help me to be able to do more (tips like having everything in one room, which I already told him about:)

Can't write more now, but will later. THank you so much to everyone for replying! I really appreciate it. I'm going to reread the thread later and I'll write more.

Hugs,

Flower

Post Edited (flower123) : 4/15/2011 3:35:30 AM (GMT-6)


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 4/15/2011 7:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Wanted to add, and Flower this may scare you, but if your back is messed up,
when your in Labor and Delivery, the first child can hurt the most, having/ giving birth
to my daughter hurt my lower back more than anything, so be prepared to let your
pm doctor know if you want kids as you might need a lot of pain meds right after the birth.
Jazzi, was all lower back and it just about killed me...and so get help with the
baby for after the birth part so you can get some sleep to heal from the birth,
that's the most important part, get sleep before going home, Hopefully it'll not be too hard on you,
the doctor knew my daughter was having trouble fetal heart monitor yet they still made
me do natural birth, and plain and simple it hurts, so maybe consider a c section even,
or look into it, usually the first child hurts the most....Hope this helps it's meant to and
sure hope you'll do okay....
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

harley57
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 4/15/2011 8:02 AM (GMT -6)   
I have read these posts with interest. All of you have given wonderful advice. My children are 18 and 14 and truly the greatest blessings in my life. I had my 1st hip replacement when my son was 6 mos old. I was unable to walk for several months. But we adapted and I realized that I had to accept help from my husband. I couldn't be supermom using a walker. But I spent months snuggled with with my super handsome son. What more could a Mom ask for? I have been sick almost all of my kids lives. And I guess that they just accept it as our normal. I attend as many of their functions that I can regardless of how I feel. But I also have missed many field trips and games. But my children understand. I spent 18 months in a wheelchair unable to walk and in constant relentless pain. My husband had passed away and it was just me and my kids. My son took on many responsibilities. He took his sister back and fourth to school. My kids took over the grocery shopping and running errands. My son missed school taking me to doctor appointments and for my infusions. We ate a lot of sandwiches, cereal and fast food. But we made it work. Our home might not always be the cleanest but it it always full of love and laughter. We might not live the traditional family life. But what we have is real. And my illnesses have only tightened the bond that I have with my kids. I learned that I couldn't do everything and that I had to swallow my pride and accept help. But my children are both happy and healthy. They both are honor roll students, play sports and they both have very active social lives. So just know in your heart that there will be good days and horrible days but in the end it is all worth it.

fish29
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 70
   Posted 4/15/2011 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi,
This post resonated with me so much. I'm 34 and we are getting to a point in our lives where we need to seriously think about children. I have a progressive neurological disorder which involves the spinal cord, and I was just recently diagnosed with central sensitization- something like fibro. It has been a very hard 1 1/2 years for me. I'm on narcotic pain medication as well as anti seizure for nerve pain, and a few others.

Every day is a struggle to get out of bed and work full time, but we have goals- new house, savings, baby...

I was told I would not be able to have a vaginal birth because of the spinal cord, and I can't have an epidural because there is no space in my lower back! Needless to say I'm shocked that I will need a c-section and sedation. I always thought I would have a "normal" birth.

I think it's great that you are asking around, and you need to get a very good physician. I agree you should interview a few of them. How do they feel about narcotics/pain meds during pregnancy (just in case), how many high risk mothers have they worked with in your situation? What do you need to do NOW to prepare?
We are planning for 1- 1/12 years, and I am starting to take vitamins and workout a bit.

Please e-mail me if you ever want to talk, it seems we are in the same boat.
I'm wondering how your husband/partners feel about this whole thing? I was very upset when I told my husband that I would need a sedated C-Section, he did not seem too concerned about it. Stuff like that- are men really able to fully grasp and support you?

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 4/15/2011 10:56 AM (GMT -6)   
No disrespect at all.... but I didn't really understand some of your post, Dani.  Maybe it's me and I'm just exhausted today.... I'll come back and read it later.  I know the majority falls on you in regards to your home and kids, as it does for me, too.  On a really bad day - why can't you stay in bed?  Not everyday, of course.  Maybe not even the entire day.  But - trust me...I average about 3 hours of sleep per night and the mornings are he**.  And sometimes, I gotta lay back down. It will all be there  tomorrow,as it does NOT go away (housework, laundry and so forth)!
 
My kids just know that mom has medical issues.......I have a progressive illness, different from what you have, but similar enough that it gets worse each year.

I hae more to say, but I gotta go.  Again, not trying to be argumentative :)  Just trying to understand more.  More in a bit.
--Tina
 
 
Many, many health and pain issues.
Many meds - including Atenolol, Effexor, MS Contin, Dilaudid, Actiq (oral Fentanyl), Soma, Vitamin D, Iron (for anemia), Synthroid...and on the list goes.
Personal: I'm a Christian wife and mother; I have six sons and identical twin daughters.

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 4/15/2011 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I wrote a long response....but it got lost in computer land somehow :(  I'm going to try for later. 
 
My main point, though - and please remember tone is so hard to convey w/ e-mail.... I mean this w/ truly good intentions and just curiousity.... was just a couple specific things that were said:
 
"My life and resources differ vastly from you...."
and
"Our medical problems are different from one another"
 
I'll explain more later why those two comments hit a nerve w/ me.  I guess it's mostly that I don't share 99% of things here, beyond my pain issues. 
 
Oh, and also having almost 4 teenagers now.... I do think it gets easier.  Of course, it's "different" and there are still issues and so forth - but it's definitely easier to manage w/ older children.
 
More soon, Tina
Many, many health and pain issues.
Many meds - including Atenolol, Effexor, MS Contin, Dilaudid, Actiq (oral Fentanyl), Soma, Vitamin D, Iron (for anemia), Synthroid...and on the list goes.
Personal: I'm a Christian wife and mother; I have six sons and identical twin daughters.

harley57
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 4/15/2011 4:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Momto8kids. My children are now 18 and 14, and it did get easier for me as a parent. I was widowed young and for the last 8 years I have raised my children alone. I have Crohn's Disease, arthritis and I am a breast cancer survivor. My kids have been by my side through 5 major surgeries and countless rounds of chemo. We just learned to embrace the good times and ride the bad ones out together. My kids have learned patience, compassion and empathy because of my illnesses. I know in my heart that I have done the very best that I can with them. Sometimes my best was a bowl of cereal or a ham sandwich :)

Screaming Eagle
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 4/15/2011 4:39 PM (GMT -6)   
I was working on a response to this as well, and from experience in a way I agree with Tina, in that it can be easier if your children are brought up to be responsible and understand Teamwork. Many company's drill this concept into their employees, and for a reason. These lessons start in the home setting, and if so, the transition can be easier into employment.

I too will post more later.

Dani, also I can tell you that many a remarriages can involve adopting children on either side. I took on 3 children that were not my own and at least one of them is a special needs child. You are correct in that it may not be easy, but with life experience of having already successfully raised children of my own, I can tell you that taking on a child at 52yrs of age may be easer than say taking on a new adopted child with problems at the age of 22.

I really want to contribute to answer Flowers question, so will post later after I get some much needed rest.

Good Post Flower123!

Thanks

SE

wink
"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

Post Edited (Screaming Eagle) : 4/15/2011 6:23:28 PM (GMT-6)


Screaming Eagle
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 4/15/2011 5:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Dani I dont think anyone has forgotten this, and we all know and understand that you are a very committed mother.

I think as parents our situations are different at times, but on the other hand, many here have already successfully raised their children, and have a ton of wisdom to share with Flower123.

I hope we can do that in a positive spirit as we explore others views here.

SE

wink
"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

Post Edited (Screaming Eagle) : 4/15/2011 6:21:59 PM (GMT-6)


Mrs. Dani
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Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 4/15/2011 5:29 PM (GMT -6)   

 

   I am respectfully withdrawing from this conversation. All I can do is share my experiences. My life. My struggles. For this I seem to have offended members. Which was never, is never my intention. I apologize to any who are offended by my experiences.

Respectfully,
Dani Henson


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator
Mail

Screaming Eagle
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 4/15/2011 5:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Dani this is an open forum, and no one asked you to withdrawal your opinions. I hope that we can continue in a positive spirit for Flowers123 sake, as she plans for a new family.

Yes, these types of conversations can be a bit sensitive, but I trust we are all adults here and can explore new ideas and life experience's

Sorry you felt the need to leave, as I was looking forward to dialog with you.

Sincerely,

SE
"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 4/15/2011 5:48 PM (GMT -6)   

 

 Dear Michael,

   You got my email address! You can always diaglog with me. Oh, and thanks for the links. I am hoping to talk my husband into the sleepmate 580

*hugg*
  dani


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator
Mail

Screaming Eagle
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 4/15/2011 6:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Just a quick note the 980 has two speeds for only $10 more.

also, I have sent you several emails and never gotten a response from you. It makes me think my computer is messing up or its on your end.

I did get your response today on the spammer though! Thanks!


SE
"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

Post Edited (Screaming Eagle) : 4/15/2011 6:47:34 PM (GMT-6)


Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 4/16/2011 12:25 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree Tina, the "guilt" that builds up from not being able to a Norman Rockwell parent is often the hardest thing to deal with. I am rarely totally "bed bound" but even so I know I each day I have to spend my "spoons" wisely and also that one day I may have 20 and another I have 5.

In some ways it gets easier as the kid(s) get older and in other ways it gets harder. With my pre-k kid I no longer have to deal with diaper changes, getting him in and out of the crib, or even really bathe him any more (I do supervise though), etc, but now I have to deal with him wanting me to go outside and play with him, take him to the park, etc all of which use up more than one spoon at a time and there are days I simply can't which leads to feeling guilty.

On those days I spend more time doing less physical things with him. While I read to him everyday on days I am not up to much I will read more to him, sit with him on the couch or at the table and color with him, or we will pick out a movie and cuddle together and watch it. I also try to include him in most things I do like cooking supper, doing the laundry, etc. Not only does it give me some help it also is teaching him valuable life skills and most importantly it adds time together.

IMHO it is not so much what you do with your kid that is important as it is being with the child and making your time together full of quality by giving your child your love and attention.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Screaming Eagle
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 4/17/2011 9:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Good morning Flower123!


Hey!....planning for little ones is one of the greatest highlights in life. Not much more exciting than that! smilewinkgrin

I can see right now you will make a great mother as you are preplanning and giving this some careful consideration to this life long responsibility. (yes even after they have flown the coop, they still need some guidance)

You know....my children are gone and I now have grandchildren, but I inherited 3 more since I married wonder woman here!

I have a terrible time remembering members DX's and for some reason your's slips my mind, but if you are dealing with constant pain, and I'm sure you are, or you would not be here with us, it could very well rob you of some of the little joys that a healthy mother might experience. However, there are quite a few success stories, and I would think Tina could write a book on it. Of course as was written above, everyones experience can be different and for several reasons, one of which is, the difference in DX's and pain scales.

My grandson is right at 25lbs and it is the max weight that I can lift. Soon, I will not be able to pick him up anymore, and I hate that, as these are the bonding months and years. However, adjustments can be made in leu of this disappointment.

Your fear, and concerns are justified rightfully so! It is a hard decision that only you and your husband can make, and you will have to weigh the pros and cons of this difficult decision. Without sounding negative, one thing you might keep in mind is that many of, if not all of us, have degeneration type conditions, being... that over time we will get worse. How much worse and how fast is anybody's guess!

Aaaaaaahhhh!...lets stay positive though! Flower as a parent myself, there is no greater joy than raising a child from birth, or even adopting, as some do! I have no doubt that you will make a fine mother, because of the careful planning you are doing at this time. Children are resilient and will make the adjustment with their parents as changes occur with your health, so I'm guessing you are seeking some answers as to how YOU will deal with raising a child and living in pain all the time. Of course you are!...it was you're original question! :)

How do you take care of your husband? Are you able to care for him? Well that's not really a fair question is it? Why? Well..this I do know!....a mother will often mustered up a lot more strength when it concerns her children and family. Us Dads feel we are pulling our weight by working a full time job and bringing home the bacon, but I have learned over the years, just how hard a mother really works. Dads don't ever try to compare yourself with a working mother! Trust me! I have a few scars from this silly notion! :)

Many moms work a full time job and then come home to again work their tails off, taking care of the children and their husbands. Cooking , cleaning, up all night with sick kids, changing diapers, grocery shopping, tending a calendar full of school activities, washing cloths..and hubby's cloths as well!.....and the list goes on and on!

Now I don;t want to rob the modern husband here! (Yes, I'm from the old school!) There are an awful lot of stay home dad's playing Mr. Mom these days, and they need to be commended as well, and many do a very fine job of it. Quite a role reversal isn't it!

Now we also have single parents too!..... and of both genders! We certainly can't leave them out. This is one of the most difficult jobs on earth as far as I'm concerned.

Here is the deal though for you Flower123!....you have a husband, and I'm assuming he is a great guy as you stated he wants children as well. In my book we call that a team! A marriage should be a team, acting as one entity.
One thing I have learned over the years is that a marriage is not always a 50/50 proposition. There are days that one or the other spouse can give 30% and then other days 80%. Marriage is rarely a 50/50 effort for each other.

One thing to bare in mind as your health worsens, your husband may find himself giving quite a bit more than 50% most of the time. It's possible, but not a given, and as I said before a mother will muster up a lot of strength when concerning her children. Dani made this point, and we all know she has very serious health conditions.

Out of curiosity, I asked my wife, to get her view on this ever so important question of yours. Her answer was similar to Dani's in that you have to find the strength and somehow you will in most cases. My wife did bring one thing up that I over looked though, in that....when we are in pain we can become pretty cranky...not only with our spouses, but with our children as well. Her quote is "Its hard to be Happy when your Hurting" I guess it would be well worth taking a peek at our demeanor when we are in a lot of pain. This can effect your children greatly and might affect several aspects of their lives. (Schooling) If this is the case, then I would suggest addressing this issue.


Flower123, I sure hope you you have found some useful answers here in all of our reply's, and I know how important this is for you. We wish the very best for you, and I'm confident you will succeed just fine. Just keep in mind that everyone is different and we cannot really determine what is right for you and your husband. All we can do is support and share our experiences.

Here is one last little thought for the both of you.... "We do not make life! It is a gift" ....receive it with great appreciation...nurture, protect and and above all.... "Love what is given to you!"

Good luck and bless you both!

Note: I will certainly see to it that Catz4 gets your message! Thank you!

SE :)
"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

Post Edited (Screaming Eagle) : 4/17/2011 10:12:12 AM (GMT-6)

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